I rarely write letters. But this letter and the response both struck a chord in me. I've been through a similar experience with two other women on two different occasions when my daughter went through surgery. Neither friend showed up at the hospital to support me. Because I am single and both women were close friends this was especially hard and angering. Neither friendship in fact survived. Neither of these women have children and I suppose neither could quite grasp the level of pain and terror one feels when one's child is sick and in danger. In fact the terror is so great you hardly dare speak of it for fear it will make the situation more real. I did confront one woman, but by then the list of my grievances was long and frankly I did not want to spend too much time discussing my daughter with her. I did not, metaphorically speaking, trust her with such a tender subject. I tried even more briefly to discuss the matter with the other woman too. Neither really grasped it. The inability I have come to see lay with the narcissism evident in them both. I think airing the grievance is a very good advice. But don't expect any satisfaction. The same qualities that made this woman unable to come through will also make her clueless. What can you do? Pick better friends. Learn to read the signs of narciscism and stay away.

I think the offer of space is one of the most telling things in this story. To the friend, the entire friendship (and probably the world) was about her, and her pressing problems.

The friend probably really thought she was being aware and selfless to offer space - which didn't mean refraining from crowding the author with her well-meaning presence, but instead meant not bothering the author with everything that was going on, as usual, in her own life.

It suggests that what went through her head when she found out the author was going through so much wasn't an understandable "how can I help - I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of what she's going through and don't know how to be useful - maybe I'll just be in the way" but instead "oh no - I guess it's inappropriate to talk about MY problems at a time like this - I ought to be a good friend and give her some space."

Any time a friend offers you a break from the burden of their friendship when times are tough for you, it means she's not a friend worth maintaining (a word that's particularly relevant to this kind of relationship). It's a clear sign that in her mind, it's all about her. What's so sad about it is that it's not just an inexplicable betrayal of a valued past, but a complete corruption of all the years that came before. She took away a friendship, but also retroactively stole an incredible and irreplaceable amount of the author's time, energy, and emotion.