"But I just KNOW he really loves me!"

Though the husband has never (at least nothing was mentioned) physically assaulted her, I see no moral difference between what he has been doing to her and actual physical abuse.

However, although I agree with the other letter-writers that she would almost certainly be better off without him -- as would the kids -- I also think it appropriate for her to give him a final chance... with an ultimatum, as long as she has the strength to back up that ultimatum with definitive, non-negotiable action.

It is at least possible that his life, and their marriage, are salvageable, and I think for everyone's sake, that possiblity deserves every chance to come to fruition.

That said, though, I got my doubts. Behaviors can and do change -- but character rarely does, and I'm getting the sense (as some other letter-writers clearly have as well) that this boy is too far gone. Be nice if that turned out to be wrong.

Oh sister...I hear ya.

Here's the deal. He won't shape up unless he really thinks there would be major consequences. Actually THE big consequence. You leaving with the kids. Butt bouncing on the curb with his amp thrown out after him.

Also, I hate to tell you that you have had a major role creating this monster. You are doing everything. You let him do whatever he wants, while you sacrifice for the sake of the family. Your parents have sacrificed so that he can reap the benefits of a much higher income bracket than he earns for.He is a spoiled brat. And what are you showing your kids? The martyrdom of mom. Your girls will emulate you and your boys will search fo a sucker, just like mom. Get yourself a good, feminist therapist. Mine helped me locate my backbone, which was good for all of us.

He is wrong to coast, but you are a sucker for letting him. This is only happening because you allow it. I am a SAHM with similar issues, but I have no job, and no parents to call with 100K at the ready. You have much more clout than you realize. You have your income, your parent's charity, your kids and YOU. And If he just doesn't get it, you will have to let him go.

See how much he likes being a STARVING artiste.

Plus no wonder how great he was B.C., you will have him AC for many more years. And he need to learn how to cope, just like you have. Good luck!

I say have the courage to issue that ultimatum! I say that not knowing if I, in the same situation, would have the courage to do so. But you only live once and you don't want to wake up a year or five years from now in the same situation and totally wasting your time in a useless relationship.

I thought Cary's suggestion that the letter-writer do nothing was interesting, and I think it could also be intensely practical if taken literally. Seriously, what if she simply did nothing--naught but the bare minimum to keep the kids and herself alright. That might be a way to test whether her husband is the narcissist jerk face most people seem to have him pegged as, or someone who might be redeemable.

So, if she does absolutely freaking nothing--dishes piling up, garbage not taken out, and so on, (probably a few non-housework related responsibilities ought to be ignored as well since she mentioned he doesn't have much talent for that to begin with so that wouldn't be a good test of his future usefulness as a husband unless that's a major issue for her) and the man actually wakes up and picks up the slack, then maybe there is hope for them. If not though, looks like he's the self-centered child/narcissist/mediocre bass player everyone else has judged him to be. Just a thought.

In general I agree with the points expressed in all the other letters... but a unison chorus always starts to make me worry and look around for the counterpoint.

I have a close friend going through a divorce right now, in quite a similar situation - he was a dreamer and wanted to be a star and neglected the family to do it. But after the separation he realised that he really wanted his family, and was willing to change his patterns completely (I know, I know, most guys will say that and most won't follow through, but in this case I do believe him). But his wife has completely closed the door to any reconciliation and served divorce papers.

I can totally understand her perspective - she's put up with his shit for 10 years, and he's promised to change before and not followed through, and she's enjoying her newfound freedom. If they got back together it would be work for both of them, and there's a lot to overcome.

But I really do think kids need their Dad in their lives if it's at all possible - I'm so glad I see my kids every dy, not just on weekends, and know they feel the same - and shutting the door completely is making a choice for them as well as for you.

Wits' End's guy needs a massive wakeup call, and it might take a separation to do that. But if everyone is right, and he's looking for an excuse to go, then the separation gives it to him, but if a wakeup call will refocus him... I just think it's worth a shot.

A blues bass player? And he talks about "growing" as a musician? There's no where to grow! Anybody ever recall hearing or reading any phrases like "legendary blues bassist ..." or "blues bass virtuoso ...?" It's just not that hard, and not much to do.

Wits' End must absolutlely act right now.

She has children to protect and care for and staying married to a neglectful, emotionally-absent liar who does not keep his promises, does not work to change and does nothing to provide for his family is damaging them. The longer she allows her sham of a marriage to continue, the worse her children will suffer.

There is no marriage. She has no husband. And it is nothing short of cruel to make her children (and even her parents!) suffer for it. All of her children have witnessed their parents' dysfunctional marriage for as long as they can remember. When is enough enough?

She made a terrible mistake in marrying this man. Maybe it wasn't a mistake at the time, but it became one later. WE, either swallow your pride or wake up or whatever, but get your children away from him.

And if he wants to blame you for it later, so what? You should be crowing it from the rooftops! Do you honestly think your friends and family won't be relieved that you finally came to your senses?

Frankly, except for tying yourself to a loser, you sound like an amazing person. Find a lawyer behind your husband's back and learn how to protect yourself and your children through and after the upcoming divorce. Keep yourself in therapy and find out why you were attracted to a charming parasite and learn how not to be ever again.

It can be done, and it will be a lot easier than being a slave to a jerk. We all make mistakes and sometimes the hardest thing about mistakes is admitting them to yourself. Once you admit this one, and the sooner the better, the sooner you'll have a chance to find someone worthy of you and your children.