Letters to the Editor
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Nosy questions
I get asked the "what ethnicity are you?" question all the time. Unlike the person who wrote in, I am happy to answer it. Why? Because I understand that the people who are asking it are either nervous (and trying to make conversation) or are showing an interest in me and may be genuinely interested in things like migration patterns and whatnot. So I tell them: My dad is from New Jersey, his mother was the daughter of Hungarian immigrants and his father was the son of German farmers from Ohio. My mother is from Zanzibar, her parents are both ethnically Indian, but from the Portuguese colony in India.
While I understand the letter writer is frustrated to always answer the question, her frustration seems immature (along the lines of "I'm black even if no one knows it and how dare anyone question me!" followed by stomping her feet.) Maybe people discriminate against me because I look Latina or Arab. My brother tells people his name is Abdul and we get stopped at airports all the time. It just doesn't seem worth carrying the huge chip on my shoulder.
I feel sorry for the people who run into this woman and take an interest in her. I guess she would be better off if everyone just ignored her at parties.
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Nosy personal questions are rude
I'd rather be ignored at parties than deal with the sort of individuals who ask personal questions out of the blue. "What nationality are you? When are you having kids? How much did your house cost?" All these topics might come up in conversation, but they shouldn't be the first thing you say when you meet someone.
I do agree that many people ask such questions simply as harmless conversational filler, but it's just a bad idea. Sooner or later they're going to say "When are you having kids?" to someone who just had her third miscarriage, or "How much did your house cost?" to someone who is defaulting on her mortgage.
Or, they're going to say "So, what nationality are you?" to someone like me who grew up being asked that by racist people who actually meant "I know you're not _really_ an American--so, which kind of foreigner are you?"
Of course one should try to deal gracefully even with those who ask rude questions, and I like Cary's suggestions.
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right on
I totally know where "Not a Caublinasian" is coming from. Growing up in the Northeast I was occasionally made fun of by other kids in elementary school because I'm Indian. After adolescence and into college this never happened and I kind of stopped thinking about this stuff and pretty much 'fit in'. But the older I get, the more and more I see how my race/ethnicity marks me as different in most groups I travel in. How? By the incredibly annoying questions mentioned in the letter and their shocking frequency.
I know most people are just curious and don't mean anything by it, but I can not stress how tiring it is to hear these questions EVERYTIME YOU MEET SOMEONE. The worst is the persistent ones: 'where are you from?' 'new jersey', 'no, i mean where are you FROM?' as if I just didn't understand the question. I was born in the US, have an American accent, and all my understandings of home, culture, society, as well as my past, and future, are in this country. Yet, when I meet a stranger, I feel I have to go through this foundational/immigrant story again and again.
Of course with my friends or even people I've known for a while that I don't like, I honestly don't mind talking about this. I am proud of my heritage. It just bugs me when people feel so entitled to ask me about my family history, the meaning of why I am the color I am, and how it is I got there, immediately, and in a way that seems like they aren't being rude or prying, but just so fascinated.
The previous letter writer might be right, maybe this is all whining, but I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing about strangers' trips to India that I don't care about. I'm tired of hearing about their opinions on India food/movies. And I'm tired of these people thinking its fine to do this because I'm an anomaly, a chance for them to learn and expand, while this is everyday for me. And if I point out how incredibly lame this all is, I'm the asshole.
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Why do strangers think it's permissible to grill me about my skin color?
I think that "Not a Caublinasian" has every right to say something like: "Is it really important to you to know who my parents are?" "Why is it important to you?" "Will it make a difference to you if I'm part African? Asian? Mexican? Latin? American Indian?" There's no good reason why anyone should ask racial identity questions in a getting-to-know-you social gathering, period.
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Cary, you didn't respond to the "international" part
Part of the letter that appears significant that Cary did not address was about the letter writer's circle of friends now including many more people who are not from America. (I think that's what the letter writer means by "international people".)
In America today, we know that race is a sensitive issue to many people and won't ask strangers about it -- much like we won't ask strangers about why they are obsese or have bad skin, for example. Experiences in other countries and cultures may be very different, and the letter writer's new friends may not realize that they are crossing into no-man's land when they ask about her skin color.
It's much harder to retrain someone into understanding on a personal and historical level why a subject is sensitive to you -- Cary's suggestion to lightly brush aside the subject is perhaps the best you can do. When your new acquaintance becomes a close friend, you can revisit the topic.
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get used to it
People are going to ask where you're from regardless of race - there seems to be a universal human inquisitiveness to know where you're from based on your looks. I've got red hair, green eyes, the whitest skin you can have, and a totally neutral mid-Atlantic accent and still I get "where are you from? You must be Irish" at least once a week. I've been asked this question in the US by people from many many different ethnic backgrounds, and also when I�ve been abroad and have been the different-skinned foreigner (e.g., Japan, Kazakhstan). I don�t take it as an insult that they initially think I�m Irish and not American, and even though it may be boring to rehash my story yet again, it usually segues into a genuinely interesting cultural exchange with them sharing with me their backgrounds (Kazakhstan for example has dozens of distinct ethnic minorities that outsiders generally are clueless about). I just feel that there�s a huge difference between fundamental curiosity about �where are you from/what�s your background?� versus flat-out inappropriate �how�s your sex life?�.
While, yes, I've got some Irish ancestry in me from way back, I consider myself a 100% all-American mutt (not Irish-American or any other hyphenated American), even though I am proud of and follow some of the cultural traditions from each of my various backgrounds. It just so happens that all of my family's recessive genes got triggered in me. This is how I usually explain why I look the way I look. And even though the question gets tiresome after being asked it for a lifetime, I do not feel insulted by it or feel that the questioner is being rude. If anything, it opens up avenues to great conversation about what it means to be American, how America is a great melting pot, etc.
Heck, I fell into this trap yesterday. I was getting my hair cut and the hairdresser was clearly of some Asian ethnicity and had an accent that I couldn't place. So I asked her where she was from. I was probably the umpteenth person to ask her that, but she took it in stride and told me (she's originally from Cambodia, came during the war, in US for 31 years, now a US citizen and considers herself and her family to be Americans, has never been back to Cambodia b/c she's still too scared). Her story was absolutely fascinating and I told her so and she seemed sincerely touched by my interest. She did not feel that her American citizenship was being questioned or insulted by me asking where she was from originally. Naturally she then turned the tables and asked me "where are you from? are you Irish?" and I duly related some of my family's history (not nearly as dramatic as hers though). It turned out to be a very interesting 45 minutes or so and we both learned something new from each other.
You don't have to get over it, but get used to it. If you think the person is being ignorant, it�s the perfect opportunity to educate them. And you can always turn the tables (even if they are white) and ask where they are from � you might get a very enlightening story in return.