I get asked the "what ethnicity are you?" question all the time. Unlike the person who wrote in, I am happy to answer it. Why? Because I understand that the people who are asking it are either nervous (and trying to make conversation) or are showing an interest in me and may be genuinely interested in things like migration patterns and whatnot. So I tell them: My dad is from New Jersey, his mother was the daughter of Hungarian immigrants and his father was the son of German farmers from Ohio. My mother is from Zanzibar, her parents are both ethnically Indian, but from the Portuguese colony in India.

While I understand the letter writer is frustrated to always answer the question, her frustration seems immature (along the lines of "I'm black even if no one knows it and how dare anyone question me!" followed by stomping her feet.) Maybe people discriminate against me because I look Latina or Arab. My brother tells people his name is Abdul and we get stopped at airports all the time. It just doesn't seem worth carrying the huge chip on my shoulder.

I feel sorry for the people who run into this woman and take an interest in her. I guess she would be better off if everyone just ignored her at parties.

I'd rather be ignored at parties than deal with the sort of individuals who ask personal questions out of the blue. "What nationality are you? When are you having kids? How much did your house cost?" All these topics might come up in conversation, but they shouldn't be the first thing you say when you meet someone.

I do agree that many people ask such questions simply as harmless conversational filler, but it's just a bad idea. Sooner or later they're going to say "When are you having kids?" to someone who just had her third miscarriage, or "How much did your house cost?" to someone who is defaulting on her mortgage.

Or, they're going to say "So, what nationality are you?" to someone like me who grew up being asked that by racist people who actually meant "I know you're not _really_ an American--so, which kind of foreigner are you?"

Of course one should try to deal gracefully even with those who ask rude questions, and I like Cary's suggestions.

Part of the letter that appears significant that Cary did not address was about the letter writer's circle of friends now including many more people who are not from America. (I think that's what the letter writer means by "international people".)

In America today, we know that race is a sensitive issue to many people and won't ask strangers about it -- much like we won't ask strangers about why they are obsese or have bad skin, for example. Experiences in other countries and cultures may be very different, and the letter writer's new friends may not realize that they are crossing into no-man's land when they ask about her skin color.

It's much harder to retrain someone into understanding on a personal and historical level why a subject is sensitive to you -- Cary's suggestion to lightly brush aside the subject is perhaps the best you can do. When your new acquaintance becomes a close friend, you can revisit the topic.

I have no idea about the best response for this person. Each Jewish holiday I have to respond, "My Dad was Jewish, OK?" I agree that it's damn rude as an ice-breaking question but living in America I'm very curious about people. Eventually I have to ask and I generally phrase it as, "do you mind if I ask, what is your family heritage?" It may be a little lame but its a small attempt to turn the focus away from judging them as an individual.

I happen to be a very light-skinned caucasian, Canadian citizen although born in England. (Irish, English and Scots background; is sorta-Celtic an ethnicity? Maybe 'Union Jill'?) I emigrated to Canada as a child, so, except when talking with my parents, sound pretty Canajun, eh? Several times over my 41 years, I've had people air their less than complimentary opinions of immigrants in front of me. Their faces usually turn unflattering shades of red when I manage to interrupt the speechifying and point out I'm an immigrant, too. To make matters worse, the commonest 'apology' is for them to explain that they don't mean me because... well, as the Inuit kids used to tease me when I lived in Nunavut, I'm real easy to lose in a snowstorm. Racism is certainly deeply entrenched, and Carey's advice is one of the few polite ways to deflect queries. While I suspect that the querents don't realize how truly offensive they are being, it is long past time that we all did.

Years ago, I managed to get on the air on NPR.

The discussion was in re racism.

The guest was some fierce African-American Woman, a real Gil Scott Heron every White owes us reparations type.

As much as anything I wanted to stir the pot and opined that no progress would be made in the US until the prevalence of Racism in all facets of society is acknowledged.

And then I brought up some of my favorite zingers:

1 That I had had a real epiphany in re Racism during the ethnic clashes in the former SSRs as they were all Pollacks to us and later with the Tutsis and Hutus as they are all ignorant Africans.

2 The Paper bag test among African Americans. Which, incidentally, the guest denied any knowledge of and the host told her she was being evasive.

3 The use of Irish Immigrants in the antebellum south for jobs too dangerous to use valuable slaves on.

4 That America�s fascination with Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe centered on his not being white. When the guest got her back up about that, I was able to slip in my opinion that for much of the US Frank Sinatra was the first white Italian.

Moments after going off the air a friend called wanting to know if I knew the host; he was amazed that I got the whole sketch in. This is a guy who�s family has been in the US for some 350 yrs and delights in asking Jews who make un-PC comments �Oh, do you consider yourself white?�.

Here�s my problem. I can�t understand why Halle Berry, Walter Mosley and Derek Jeter are considered African-American. Figures don�t lie, to paraphrase the great Mark Twain- [who is either a racist DWM or an accurate portrayer of the mores of his time] you and them are predominately EuroAmerican. I�m � Spanish- Castilian and there are pictures from my father�s side that had my IrishAmercan mother gleefully explaining the Moorish invasion.

Had I more time I would comment on my time in Asia where I found that the Japanese were as racist as Afrikaners.