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• Friday, July 10, 2009 07:54 PM

  @suspendedisbelief

  You ask some good questions, but let me turn your question on its head. I think the question unmarried couples have to ask themselves is why NOT get married? If the answers really speak to their beliefs and the life they envision, then their course should be pretty clear.

  I think what puzzles me are some of the assumptions I have heard over the years about the advantages of the unmarried state. I have lived long enough to remember when "shacking up" was still a pretty scandalous option. But what I do remember about some of the pioneers of that time is that many of them could be very clear about the legalities of their situation, and dealt with them. For example, I knew one couple who knew from the get-go that they would have to have a total separation of income and material goods, or else they would be bickering over the division of property in the event of a split, just like any married couple. So each had their own bank accounts, they made a list of who had paid for what furniture, they each had their own credit cards, etc. It might sound cold, but this couple stayed together longer than many marriages and their split, except for the initial emotional distress, was fairly easy.

  My children are both young adults, so I have talked to them and their friends about adult subjects for years. I'm concerned about the assumptions they make about living together. They think that just because a couple is not married, they can walk away with no hassles.

  Well that depends, I guess. How does one get back the money from the credit card you let your boy/girlfriend use? Who gets the furniture you both paid for? What happens to the partner whose name isn't on the lease or mortgage papers? Seems a lot like the makings of a mess that is just as bad as any divorce.

  Don't get me wrong. I don't think marriage is for everyone, but living together cannot be approached with a fuzzy head either. Divorce can be nasty, but at least there are laws in place to settle many of the arguments. These laws don't always apply to the unmarried and I've seen their splits get just as messy and tragic as any divorce.

  By the way, my post is only about childless couples. Add children to the mix and you have a whole different set of issues.

  —flyover52 Read flyover52's other letters
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