Ultimately she was the one who decided to end it, not me. I wasn't happy about her cheating, obviously, but I was willing to deal with it. (Er, as long as she stopped doing it after she admitted what she'd done ...) Infidelity in this case was a symptom, not a cause -- she wasn't happy, and chose a rather dramatic means of demonstrating it -- and I suspect that's the case most of the time. Spouses who cheat do so for all kinds of reasons, but not being happy in the marriage is probably #1.

So a marriage has as good a chance of surviving infidelity as it does any other serious stressor -- and based on my observations of couples who have made it through a cheating episode (about equal numbers of men and women, by the way) the marriages which do survive are strong, good ones afterward. Note that I'm not saying that infidelity is good for a marriage, or that Everyone Learns An Important Lesson, or anything like that. Just that it's a test, and that the couples which make it through are the ones who really do belong together.

At the risk of telling more about myself than people care to know, my wife and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage that included infidelity and a separation/near divorce. After deciding to work it out, we are actually happier than we ever were. I don't credit the turmoil for that, but the fact that it forced us to face up to stuff that we had been avoiding, and learn to communicate (with the help of a counselor). So, for what its worth not everyone who survives infidelity and moves on is miserable, and I don't think we are the only ones out there. We don't have decades to show for it, but four years after our meltdown we are doing well and the future looks bright!

Tracy, a "happy marriage" as you define it is based more on selfishness than anything else. And it's ultimately self-defeating, since by bailing out on a marriage as soon as one is no longer "happy", one misses the opportunity to grow through adversity and learn how to stay true to the core of a marriage, and not adherence to some patriarchal idea of fidelity. (Really, I'm surprised at you defending such a thing!)

Life is hard, Tracy. Marriage isn't easy, either, and the more people understand that, the better they'll handle the challenges. Because believe it or not, the challenges are what make life worth struggling over. What the hell kind of challenge is it to say "you're mean and you cheated and I'm going HOME"?

I don't know why it's so flabbergasting that people would want to try to repair a relationship they spent so many resources putting together.

If you didn't want to stick it out through thick or thin with someone else, whether the problem was internally or externally created, then you should probably skip marriage (and having kids with a partner).

that couples who stay together after infidelity are miserable?

Marriage is about the long haul. And about raising kids. Romance is about romance.

No surprise then that many, many people seek sex and adventure outside of marriage. They always have, and they always will.

Are we finally getting real? More tolerance of and awareness of human nature can lead to more stable marriages, and a more stable society, and happier youngsters. The lower divorce rate may mean that we Americans are more adult, less childish about the idea of marriage than in the past. This is a positive development in my view.

I didn't read the article in so much as a defense of marriage than as an attempt to diagnose why divorce rates are down over the last couple of decades compared to the fact that it doesn't seem that infidelity is down at all.

They hit most of the reasons, I think, but left out the fact that at least recently the bad economy certainly plays some part in it.

The one area they did touch upon, and one that I agree with, is that these days people are far more clear eyed about the real cost of divorce after having witnessed most of our parents going through it. My wife and I for instance are both children from broken marriages and it's not something that either one of us relishes repeating. Also, to be a little more blunt, if the saying is that "it takes hard work to make a marriage" is true, then likely we are more aware of this than our parents were, and hence more willing to accept that work - even if it means reconciliation after infidelity.

Frankly, I don't see how marriage needs a "defense", but it is likely that it's making a bit of a comeback as society matures and marriage does not become the "de facto" progression for most people's lives. After all, if just half of the people that should never get married never do, then that would dramatically drive down divorce rates, wouldn't it?

Everyone in this situation has to make their own decision. Women cheat too, by the way. All that's happened is we've discovered we are human. Yes, a marriage can survive an affair. That doesn't necessarily mean the partners are "just hanging in there." And the number of marriages where neither partner cheats, but are consistently satisfying through the duration of the marriage is probably very small. Marriage is ups and downs. Over 30-50 years, you can go through all kinds of cycles, from passion to indifference to companionship and many others, over the course of that time.

Why is it so impossible to imagine that a couple could reconcile -- really work things out and reconcile -- and be happy together after a sexual infidelity? I know people who have done it.

My husband and I are monogamous, but one thing that I've learned from my polyamorous friends is that sex is only one part of a marriage, and that a couple's life together depends on fidelity in a much broader sense. Frankly, I can think of a lot of more unforgivable things that one spouse could do to another.