without having to live in a world of diminished expectations.

God, the more people exalt the miserable, character-building drudgery of marriage, the less I want to get married. Seriously, fuck it. I can build my character in other ways. Why should I have to go to bed beside and wake up beside a project instead of a lover? Life is hard and character-building enough without actively taking a fun part of life (love, sex) and turning it into hard work that you endure for no real reason other than to say you did it.

marriage seems very appealing but also very constraining...to exist in this pair-bonded state where other people are off limits in certain ways.

Which raises the question: If they REALLY WANT to be together why would they be freaking out?

I think sex is just sex. I'm hoping this article means more couples are coming to that conclusion.

I wouldn't care if my wife had a sexual tryst. Why would I? I know she loves me, and we've been through enough together that she could have left long ago if she wanted to. It's not like she'd suddenly become soiled or less attractive.

Now, if she did that and then had a problem with me getting a little on the side, then that would be hypocrisy - which is a far worse offense than "adultery" to my mind.

If she had a love affair, then that is a bit different. If she's happier with someone else, I certainly would not want to be second fiddle. I'd want her to go with the other fellow.

As I say - I'm an oddball. I'm probably quite incorrect about what this article means. But I can hope.

As an 18 year veteran of a marriage that should either have never taken place or ended by year 2, I share Tracy's ambivalent distress about this study. Just because people stay together doesn't mean people are happy, whole, or fulfilled. If happiness is the desired goal — selfish as that goal may be — marriage is not necessarily the best way to get there.

While I'm all for staying together for the kids, I honestly hate the thought that you're more mature or wise if you just stick with another adult with whom you have very little in common because in your optimistic youth you were a hormonally drugged optimistic romantic. Is that the message you want your kids to have about their their own prospects?

Having NO children, I now look back, after nine years on my own, and wonder why I believed in commitment so thoroughly, for so long. Maybe it had something to do with my parents being married for 65 years and being really happy. I was committed to the idea of commitment because they were. But they had background and values in common. They had four children. They lived in another era. It worked for them.

It was hard re-adjusting my thinking, but in the end, I've been a happier person since my 2000 divorce, and I believe my ex-husband is, too. His third wife, with whom he had an affair while married to me, has married and divorced him twice (I guess she finds him a sexier alcoholic than I did) — but then she's rich — far richer than he or I am — and can apparently afford these multiple efforts. I could afford one divorce; I don't think I could afford another.

When a romance with a married man who couldn't financially afford to leave HIS wife broke up last year I was far more devastated — emotionally, that is. But then, he was clearly better as a lover than he was as a husband. No duh. He was a liar. And there's nothing like lies to put the kabosh on a great romance.

Too old to have children at this point, I doubt I'll ever marry again. Of course, the oxycotin could kick in and derail this prediction. Magic, sex, whatever you call it does have a way of confusing best laid plans. Whatever. I'm still happy I'm not married to my ex or even to my ex-lover. Occasionally fantasizing about future magic is MUCH better than living with men who don't really love me, cheat with other women, and make me crazy loving them. This is a no brainer.

Why was I supposed to be with a man for life? Can someone please remind me?

Btw, I've never even ATTEMPTED on-line dating! That's how little I want to get married again. If I were 30 years younger, I'd like to find an extended family to have children with.

Frankly, Sandra Tsing Loh's article in The Atlantic may be freaking lots of married people out, but I REALLY understand where she's coming from.

People are staying longer together, because we've entered a cultural period where suffering is sexy again. The more people estimate life, adulthood, marriage, as about compromise, endurance, and imagine themselves as not amongst the truly prospering, the truly "selfish," they'll feel more entitled to the gains they now enjoy, less vulnerable against others' turn against all things "egotistical," shiny and good.

You're right in your rant. Those who insist on more will be targets, though.

The point of TCF's comment is the original article treats staying together as good, without seeming to care about the quality of the salvaged relationships.

One poster stated other ways couples hurt each other. That's certainly true, though if they are continuing, without trying to make them better, those would also seem to be reasons to leave. Marriage should not be a license to treat the person you vowed to love worse than you would treat a neighbor or a co-worker.

All of that is different than saying the moment you feel "unhappy" you leave.

Pretty shallow assessment of marriage in her comments.

Kinda shows that her need to make sure she's following the feminist rulebook is interfering with her ability to really connect.

My wife and I have been together for over half of our lifespan. We know each other better than we know our parents or siblings.

That's a lot to throw away.

Hopefully not a bridge we cross. But if things are so black and white, it means you aren't really a couple yet.

Important questions would need to be answered. For instance: Was it another girl? Can I watch?