I know at least two grandmas who only take care of their grandkids under extreme duress, and even then will complain about all the stuff they're missing because of it.

So a trend? I don't know. But it happens.

it is a sacred trust

My mother died when in 1978 and still childless, but she made it abundantly clear that she would NEVER babysit if I ever had children, and she lived a mile away from me at the time. I don't know if this is a "trend," but I'm sure there have always been child-hating women like her who felt once their duty to their own kids was over, they weren't having any more of it.

The irony is that she was a Julliard-trained classical musician, and my son is now a music major in college, so I think she might have actually liked him.

My mother-in-law refused to care for my child. However, she made this decision in the interests of keeping the family peace. My sister-in-law decided it was not fair for my wife and I to get an occasional break (we both were working full time, remodeling a house and going to grad. school) when she didn't. The fact that my sister-in-law could afford to forgo employment because her house was paid for by her parents didn't register with her.

My mother babysat my niece whenever my brother or sis-in-law asked, and they happily abused the privilege. It didn't matter that my mother had just gotten off of a nine-hour overnight shift and hadn't slept--they wanted to go visit a friend and not have the baby for a few hours. This happened at least five times a week, NOT during working hours. (At one point, they came into the house while my mom was in the shower, put the baby in the playpen, and left; my mom walked out of the shower to find my niece there.)

On the other hand, I had a friend from China who was shocked when her mom-in-law told her that when the time came, she wouldn't babysit unless it was an emergency. For her, it went without saying that grandmothers helped out this way.

I can see both sides. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be a free nanny service, but I also think people need to stick together and help each other out.

I don't think this is a trend. I am willing to bet many women have been like this. They are just different, not necessarily hating.

My mother was one of them. She was not "into" babysitting her grandkids. Although I can see it as a loss...I can also see that she didnt "hate" them. To the contrary, she cared for them, she just wasn't into kids all that much.

I don't think it should be assumed that all grandmas do this. They are individuals like anyone else and should have a choice how they want to spend their time. If you want to go out, hire a babysitter.

This id oddly relevant to a conversation I had just today, with a professional nanny. She used to work for a oouple of my friends, competently taking care of the children, cooking meals, the whole nine yards. She never played lip service to the whiny needs of we yuppie moms -- she was always no-nonsense, extremely reliable, and full of wry humor, if occasionally somewhat detached and cool. In any case we adored her even if we sometimes feared her. She helped see my friend's daughter through the death of her mother, my friend, so she and I have a special bond. Anyway she's now working with a new family and I ran into her on the street this afternoon. We paused and had a friendly chat as her current three-year-old charge sat placidly in his stroller. This hard-working nanny informed me that she's told her sons she will NOT take care off any children they might have without being paid. "I'm a professional," she said, simple as that. "I don't do it for free." "Oh come on," I teased her. "Not even occasionally?" "Nope," she said defiantly. "You do it once and next thing you know you've got the kid for three days at a time." So there you go. This Bahamian nanny living with her trucker husband in deep Brooklyn has no plans to take care of her eventual grandchildren.

My father's mother lived far away, but my mother's parents were local. During the summer, we saw them all the time, but only occasionally were they actually babysitting. During the rest of the year, I knew that if I wanted to stop by after school to say hi, I was welcome... but again, they weren't usually babysitting. We had a couple "real" babysitters for when my mom was busy. My grandparents handled big things like watching me when my brother was born, when I stayed with them for a week, but they weren't at my mom's beck and call. They had their own lives, and that was okay; we have a great relationship anyhow.

Every family is a little different. There's no one way a grandparent *has* to be. If grandma refuses to watch the kids even in the middle of a medical emergency or something, okay, that might be newsworthy. If grandma just doesn't want to get stuck being the default babysitting on Friday nights when she wants to have a life of her own... I don't blame her.

I've heard lots of stories of women who can't be bothered to take care of their grandchildren. My own mother gets huffy about it from time to time, with no other excuse besides she just doesn't feel like it (and don't get all finger-pointy, this is so I can go grocery shopping, not get my nails done). I get that it's not their responsibility, but where is the desire?

I attribute it to Baby Boomers. It's always been All About Them. All my parents' boomer friends want to do is globetrot and drink wine. Am I jealous? Absolutely. I'm just saying, they're redefining what it means to age, and redefining grandparenthood right along with it.