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• Saturday, November 22, 2008 01:04 PM

  miscommunication and learning from mistakes

  @Renegade Iconoclast

  That we never get hit on... unless we're in a relationship.

  Um...not to be a total killjoy here, but one of the most notorious miscommunications between the sexes is that when women are actually trying to flirt, a lot of men read it as her merely being friendly, and when women are trying to be friendly, a lot of men read it as flirting.

  It's possible that this is what's happening here. Taken men seem "safe", and it's easier to be nice to them. You don't think you have to worry about being hit on. When I found out that men and women miscommunicate this way, I stopped being nice to taken men. Makes life a bit colder, but it's probably better all around.

  Others who have mentioned general relaxation and evidence of social skills also have good points. It's also true that taken men tend to be more relaxed, and that overly wound-up single men can come off as sexual predators, whether they really are or not.

  @eclipse

  Monkey see, monkey do.

  My son's father's second wife is a spectacular mess (but she's hot!), and I'm glad to find that some boys can learn from Dad's mistakes. My son is disgusted with both his stepmother and his father. He doesn't want to grow up like Dad, not in that respect anyway, and so far, the girls he likes are pretty cool. We'll see what happens when the hormones kick in fully, but right now, he has good taste.

  I've also taken care to point out men we know who had crappy examples in their fathers but grew up to be good men. We know a few, so it's possible.

  I think one of the hardest aspects of this is that life can reward bad behavior, depending on what you value. We try to cope by creating a legal system and a penal code, but it doesn't always work and can't be applied to every aspect of human life without getting draconian.

  So the lesson learned may depend on what's important to each boy, and I don't know where that comes from. Are values innate or learned? When I was younger, I would have said learned, but as I age, I'm beginning to wonder. There were so many things I could have done differently, and I don't know why I did them the way I did. I don't regret them because I think they were the right thing, but I know I wasn't taught to behave that way.

  It's like the hot chick and douchebag thing. The men entangled in it insist that they just can't feel it for anything but hot chicks, even though they don't want to be douchebags. This is why I no longer think that saying, "Wait, there are other women out there!" is productive. They're right. They like what they like, and perhaps the best thing for them to do is let go of whatever ego they have wrapped up in being a Nice Guy, so their inner douche can come out to play.

  —Anonymous_Too Read Anonymous_Too's other letters
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