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• Friday, November 21, 2008 08:17 PM

  @ AKA Smith, Anonymous_Too

  I agree that this isn't really feminism's fault (except if one includes some fringe authors of the Dworkin-McKinnon kind). But I will ask here for some pity for the men--it's not simply that they don't like the perceived 'absence of rules' about how to get the women of their dreams, but it's also that it's true there are good guys out there who don't have the necessary 'dating skills' to approach the women they're attracted to. If they're still supposed to take the initiative (and they apparently usually are, either because 'they want it more' or because 'society says they have to', take your pick) and they feel insecure about it, then they can be positively overwhelmed by the conflicting feelings about being attracted to someone and not knowing how to act so as not to make this attraction (which as you pointed out will always be obvious--why else would he be trying to approach the girl?) look ridiculous. I suppose this is not in itself a man or woman thing--whoever is supposed to take the initiative in this game will be in the same uncomfortable situation, if women were supposed to do that they would feel just as awkward.

  There is some sense in which what is necessary is devising some system of rules that allow people who are attracted to each other to interact on the basis of this attraction without looking either aggressive or stupid--much like common courtesy rules allow strangers to interact normally without looking afraid, insecure, angry, aggressive, or ridiculous either. Some people think that this 'community' or 'Game' may be about giving some of these rules (in the form of 'dating skills') to men who would otherwise not know how to approach the situation with any chance of success.

  I think the problem is that this kind of 'Game' rules make it all look like a war game (with the "girl's virtue" as the target). So negging looks like a revolting thing--deliberately making someone feel insecure for the purpose of creating a weak spot that can later on be exploited to produce a dependence that may lead to 'hitting the target'.

  But something else, something more than just 'be yourself', does seem to be necessary. Some guys are actually good, but unskilled (call them 'brute diamonds' if you will), and would appreciate some guidance. (I know, I was one of them...).

  —Asehpe Read Asehpe's other letters
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