You don't babysit your own children. You never hear that a woman is 'babysitting' her kids when her husband is away, right?

Just a pet peeve.

I even get uppity when I catch my own friends referring to their husbands as 'babysitting' their kids. I usually reply (obnoxiously, I freely submit) 'you mean, being a dad?'

The article was written by a woman, Araceli Cruz. That doesn't surprise me. Part of why men don't do their full half of childcare and cleaning is because women don't expect them to.

I've lost count of the times I've heard female relatives and friends talk, with a bizarre sort of pride, about how they do all the cooking, cleaning, and non-Kodak-moment childcare because "it's just easier".

I have long corrected my children and other people when they reference dad's time with them as "babysitting-" It's DADDING forcrying outloud.

I found, living in NYC and first getting the hang of two-parents-working-child-at -school game - while my husband was a working graduate student, that every infraction (forgotten lunch, late for pickup, not dressed for "pajama day") meant I got the call. But when my husband, 1/2 of the same scatter-brained duo, escorted my son to school, he was always treated as a hero - and commended.

Now, years later, with three kids - my husband still gets kudos from other moms who cluck "my husband would NEVER..." whatever it is. Drive the gymnastics car pool (he works at the school where the girls need to be transported from! It just makes more logistical sense for him to take the hour out of his schedule than for me, on a busy day, when I only work three days a week and gymnastics falls on the one of the days I work...), attend the field day, take a child to a birthday party...

It's just bizarre, now that we nominally have different standards for dads than when we were kids, and there is a broadly-circulated notional sense of 'co-parenting,' how much it is assumed falls to the mom. I find this odder than the actual fact - that it does often fall to the mom.

My last blog post was about my actual absent father growing up - I love that my husband is available in spirit and in body, with the only questions asked around schedules and logistics and NOT whose 'job' the parenting is.

"Babysitter" is a casually demeaning term used quite frequently, particulary by women in my experience, throughout the years I've been staying home with the kids. "Oh, you're babysitting for the day!" would usually be accompanied by a patronizing smile and the sort of attitude that said, "Aren't you just so clever!" I found the best response was simply, "This day and every day."

...defines "mothering" as taking care of someone and "fathering" as getting somebody pregnant. I spend a fair portion of my week caring for our two year old, and I can't tell you how many times I've been congratulated for "giving my wife a nice break." Read any parenting magazine: pretty much every article assumes that mothers have sole responsibility for their children's well being and make all decisions regarding health, safety, education, etc. Look in any bookstore: the parenting books aimed at women fill shelf after shelf; you'll be lucky to find two books specifically written for fathers. And nobody ever talks about men balancing their parenting responsibilities with their career.

I know that there are other men out there who have fully embraced their role as parents. I think it's about time that we started making some noise in the culture.

CatrinkaS - I fear this dynamic as my children get older because, yes, I am that tedious feminist who will repeatedly remind teachers that little Johnny has TWO parents, that both of us should be on all call/e-mail lists and that, no, I'm not the default volunteer/PTA member/etc. I am a pretty easygoing person generally, but I am really no fun when it comes to that kind of thing. My husband doesn't ask to be let off the hook and parents just as much as I do, so why on earth should I engage in some bizarre conceit with strangers in which I'm the primary caretaker, even though my job is as challenging as consuming as his is?

I could go on. Suffice it to say that I'm continually astonished at how retro things continue to be regarding parents.

Here in West Texas, the assumption is often that a single man who takes care of his own kids is gay. When I go shopping with my daughter, it never fails that people are surprised that I know how to fold a shirt, or would subject myself to the humiliation of . . . buying clothing for my daughter. I quite regularly must explain to people how it is I came to possess these arcane skills and obscure knowledge.

This is a subject that is too often neglected, that is, that men are expected not to take an interest in their children, and if they do are assumed not to be competent to independently care for them. And, in my purely anecdotal experience, women are the worst in this respect. Gay men hit on me, straight men sort of shrug their shoulders, and women are incredulous - not all, but many more than I would have expected. Furthermore, in my romantic relationships - and again I am a sample size of one, here - my parental responsibility is a serious impediment, to the point that I've more or less given up dating until my daughter goes to college. Single men just aren't supposed to be encumbered with a kid.

Part of this is, of course, that especially in a place like this, men who are both willing and able to take responsibility are not the norm, not by a long shot. But I cannot help but wonder if at least some part of the apathy many men show stems from these rather oppressive gender expectations; in my own case, I was lucky to have grown up with a powerful and independent woman who taught me to care for myself, but upon my divorce I realized that even my mother had not prepared me in the slightest for raising a child as a single parent, and the learning curve was steep, and intimidating.

I read articles like this one, and I am reminded that even those of us who are ostensibly enlightened and tolerant cannot escape the pressures of social expectations, especially as regards gender roles. Foucault, anyone?