DurianJoe:

Contrary to the article, being told by a woman that she only wants to be friends is one of the worst messages a horny guy can hear. It's worse than a direct, "Let's just stop." It's, "Let's just stop and never get physical again." Game over.

Exactly correct. Overtures from the woman after that is an invitation to be used as a meal ticket or a crying blanket or some other unworthy purpose.

AirFlow:

The trouble is, women find it hard to be "definitive" with men--don't know precisely why

Because it limits their options. Women often want a man for reasons other than sex - for example, as emotional backup in case the Object of Her Heart's Desire doesn't work out for them, or for many other reasons unrelated to genuine interest.

Women often use sex, or rather, the potential to get sex, as motivation to obtain male services other than sex. Why do they do it? Because they can. And because guys let them. It works for women. Many attractive women learn early on that male desire for them is a kind of personal power, and that a woman can still use the promise of sex to get what she wants even if she has no real sexual interest in him.

I may have misunderstood what you said (being of the opposite gender and all that), but I disagree that being "the Perfect Gentleman" is the best strategy. Gentlemanliness involves a lot of behaving the way one believes one should, which I think is part of what gets us into this mess. From my perspective (a woman now long married but who came of age in the freedom of the '70s), being too polite can result in one's partner not knowing what the hell is going on, regardless of the gender of that partner. Rarely did I hear, "I want to have sex with you," and as a result, I spent hours in awkward dances. If they had been direct with me, I would have found it easier to be direct with them. They probably felt the same way, but it was then, and is now, less socially acceptable for a woman to make the very first advance.

Another point that hasn't arisen yet is that sometimes we really *don't* have a final answer just then. In a long relationship, we often have the freedom to say, "I don't know whether I want sex or not; let's try and see what happens"; (later) "I'm not really getting into this; can we postpone it until a better time?" or even, "You know, I'm not really into this right now, but what can I do for you?" in the secure knowledge that we'll get ours some other time. It's hard to let anything unfold when you have to worry about it getting out of hand or even growing violent, but I do think it's important to say, when it's the truth, "It's not that I'm not interested; I'm just not ready to make a decision yet." When a relationship is new, or when there's no relationship at all, it's much harder to take a long view of parity. There really is no good substitute for trust.

Loud & Proud Women: we need to help our less forthright sisters learn how to speak their mind and say what they mean. I've seen good guys have screaming torch bearing mobs go after them because a girl failed to express what she wanted/did not want. I've had girlfriends complain to me about the sweaty grinding they endured on the dance floor instead of telling a guy to %^&* off. If we're going to be equal, we need to take equal responsibility for making it clear what we are and are not comfortable with.

I'm not blaming the victim. My own mother is a rape survivor so the issue is close to my heart. Of course a women speaking out doesn't always end the abuse. But we have to stop being afraid of being labeled "not nice"? Why are we so afraid of offending someone who is making us feel uncomfortable?

Young women need SERIOUS consciousness raising sessions. Not in college, where they often get a lackluster version of it when they are incoming freshman. It's too late by then. We need to give this to girls when they are in 7th, 8th, 9th grade. It needs to be fun and led by older girls they respect and identify with. We can do this! We can make younger girls not afraid of being labeled a bitch for saying clearly "these are my boundaries: do not cross them"

Just my 2c

I think it is related to the "men can't multi-task" thing.

Back away from the keyboard slowly, because you're opening a new front. Speaking only for myself, if I didn't know how to multi-task, dinner wouldn't be ready and the cats fed and the lunches and coffee set up for the next day and the litter boxes cleans and the papers recycled and the Daily Show set up on the DVR, all before my wife came home from work a little bit after me. We men can multi-task, and then some. Y'all just don't see it -- kinda like you think the house cleans itself while you're away. :)

This direct/indirect communication minefield has caused most of the problems in my relationship with my boyfriend (for the most part outside the bedroom, but I think the basic issue is the same - I have trouble being direct and he has trouble understanding how harshly I often hear direct messages). We have started to work on it in a clunky but ultimately illuminating way. When one of us suspects we've had a miscommunication, we'll say "you said x, y, z, but I heard XYZXYZ." The most interesting thing I have learned from this exercise is that I often hear things he says that, if I said them, would be hints ("I'm hungry for lunch" become "make me lunch"), but if he meant them the way I hear them, he'd say them directly (not that he tells me to make him lunch... but you get the point). Obviously this sort of thing seems unlikely to work in a casual sexual encounter, though if anyone tries it I'd be curious to hear the outcome!