Letters to the Editor
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@ achilleselbow
I think you saved yourself a lot of trouble. Not that I think that this woman would have cried rape or anything but that, everything you said about her screams high-maintainance in a bad way. I would read that woman as having quite a little drama going on in her head over the should-she or shouldn't-she. Sometimes the ones who seem to want to be pursued only to shake their heads, are women who have genuinely mixed feelings and sometimes they are just plain mixed up.
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this is about miscommunication, not sex
An old joke:
Two southern belles are in rocking chairs on the veranda, sipping mint juleps. The first keeps prattling on about her husband Beauregard, how he took her to Europe, how he bought her a diamond necklace, how he always brings her flowers, on and on. The second keeps responding with, "That's nice..."
The first asks, "Well, what does your husband do for you?"
The second replies, "He sent me to finishing school."
The first asks, "Finishing school? What did you need with finishing school?"
The second replies, "That's where they taught me to say 'That's nice...' instead of 'Fuck you.'"
The problem isn't males, or females, or expected sexual behaviors from either. It's that in our culture the two sexes are reared very differently with regard to acceptable speech.
From the time they can talk, most boys are taught to speak their minds directly even to people who might disagree with them, whereas most girls are taught to "be sweet," which often translates to being very indirect, especially when they are afraid of causing disagreement. You don't undo 18+ years of socialization in an instant.
I used to teach freshman composition--I saw this problem of indirect communication all the time when assigning argumentative papers, and it happened more frequently in girls' essays than in boys'.
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next generation
Other commenters are making really good points here. I often hear from my college students that they're frustrated by mixed signals from potential partners. I've even heard of a young woman telling a man that "no actually meant keep going." It's true that little girls aren't always raised to be direct about what they want--I certainly wasn't. It gets even murkier in a sexual situation, when females don't want to look too eager for sex (even when they want it). It's probably too late for my generation (40-somethings, and from what my students tell me, they were taught many of the same stereotypes about desire and communication.
But their kids can learn, if they don't repeat the same patterns. So potential parents, here's your big chance. Direct communication, respect for the other person's choices--these are things girls AND boys need to learn.
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Men and women do communicate differently, and there's nothing wrong with realizing it.
This Tracy C-F article interests me because I just picked up a book at the library entitled My Answer is NO, if That's Okay with You by Nantette Gartrell, a psychiatrist. (I am planning a visit to the doctor and it has a chapter on how to communicate with medical professionals.) The book is pitched specifically to women. I was amazed at how the book differed from a slew of books written in the seventies about communication and assertiveness for women. Back then, women knew that they often did not communicate effectively with men and with bosses and those in power. The books recommended a really direct approach to communication. This book, on the other hand, begins with the premise that women don't realize that they are not strong communicators about refusals and that there are ways to communicate a no without hurting anyone's feelings. The author's advice is way too indirect for me. However, I noticed that it shifted in the chapter about communicating about sex in relationships, especially new relationships to being more direct. It simply makes sense for women to be more unequivocal about what they want and don't want when it comes to sex. Not to do so risks too much.
But why do I get the feeling that so many women in their 20s and 30s don't get this? No doesn't have to be polite or impolite. No can just be no.
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@aka - I'm glad it recommend being more direct about sex
A couple of drinks is typical on a date.
And then your body decides to dump a pint of blood from your brain into more important duties.
At that point we are looking for a traffic cop. Clear signals please.
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husband's input
My husband and I talked over dinner. His input (in my words):
You're right to be angry with these women who claim that their no really meant yes - because these are the women who are getting other women raped. No needs to mean no. If you want to be taken seriously when you say no, then you lose the right to say no and mean yes.
He also says, regarding the study:
Bullshit - there's no guy on earth who really thinks that "Let's be friends" means anything other than "Please remove that hand from my ass." What's interesting about this study isn't that men are lying about missing signals in order to get laid, but that they're lying ON A STUDY where there are no direct consequences if they tell the truth.
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Saying no isn't always the answer
I tried the direct approach in college. I got raped. He was, indeed, offended, and considered my resistance a kind of threat, which he dealt with instantly and physically. To this day, I can remember the look on his face when he locked the door.
Sometimes young women are wiser than researchers give them credit for.
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On almost all fronts, wow!!
As much as tend to cringe when I'm hit with the steam and ears imagery, I kept waiting for what I thought was inevitable and was pleasantly surprised. Great piece...balanced and consistent.
Kudos to the posters with the courage to share their personal tales.
As for the prescience of those predicting the misogynist venom...
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@ Anonymous_Too
I am really sorry to hear that rape happened to you. However, have you ever considered that he would have raped you if you had shown any resistance at any point? Where does that leave you if you don't want to have sex but don't resist? It means you are still having sex when you don't really want to.
That guy who did that to you is a hard core rapist. He probably did that to other women as well. I know it might be difficult to read, but if you can get ahold of a book called Why Men Rape by Nicolas Groth you will probably be able to lift some of the burden that you feel. Rape -- especially as you describe -- is a crime of violence and misogyny. Rarely is rape a matter of miscommunication.