Dear Ms. Clark-Flory,

Well,....Thank you for the very interesting, balanced, & genuinely thought-provoking article.

It's odd...but,as for a woman's saying "I'm seeing someone else right now" (rather than any of the many & much-more direct variations on "Stop It Now"), I considered that this is a world all-too-full of guys who interpret that comment as an indication that the woman is, all done & said, AVAILABLE....closing the deal will just require a bit of pushing and, if necessary, bargaining.

Not so very long ago, a female friend went through that situation (and experienced a similarly disquieting lack of cooperation). I told her "Well, of course....but as long as you're LYING, don't tell him that you're seeing someone else 'RIGHT NOW'. Make up a brief story about some recent break-up, and tell him that you're still angry and not 'ready' to date ANYONE for a long while.

That always worked for me with guys (do I need to explain this?)

Your article also made me recall one of the many truths I learned in gradskool. I waited tables in a very posh restaurant and quickly learned that there was no point in politely informing most white men who walked into the restaurant "I'm sorry, but we're holding that table for a reservation."

It would all get very territorial, as they accessed their inner Donald Trumps.

all you would get was mild-to-surprisingly overt bullying (or hectoring, which would involve their standing in the entry, huffing and puffing, and coming back every ten or so minutes to declare "Well, they're not HERE yet..why can't I have that table?"

I used to tell training-waits "Tell them, simply, 'I'm afraid that table's not AVAILABLE.....don't preface it with an apologetic 'I'm sorry, but..'... and DON'T mention the reservation or give them a time-table to play with..."

As for the earlier referenceto white men (I happen to be one, myself).....all I can say is that, when something is done to you on a regular basis in an environment which is chock-a-block with all sorts of people, you do tend to notice when only one sort of person does it. At least I do, but, then, I've never been markedly forgetful or forgiving.

In any case,thank you very much for the refreshingly thought-provoking & good article.

sincerely,

David Terry

www.davidterryart.com

Is this research concerning Rape or Annoyance?

Is there some suggestion here, that this miscommunication leads to anything other than annoyance on the part of the woman,and eventual embarassment on the part of the man?

The woman says "let's be friends" and a guy hears "I like you and want to spend more time with you".

That interpretation might lead to eventual hurt feelings but likely not a rape situation.

So what are we to take away from this study? That women are often indirect in a misplaced attempt at diplomacy? That men are likely to perceive things from their own perspective?

Although that's interesting, I could have learned the same thing from open mike night at the chuckelhut. Now, why women continue to opt for diplomacy when dealing with men, despite their constant request for honesty, that might be an interesting study.

In the end it's a reiteration of conventional wisdom that has little bearing on real issues. It's unlikely that a woman would make a statement of let's be friend, and a man would interpret that as have sex with me despite their further protestations. So it's really just confirmation of the observational humor of Jeff Foxworthy.

Perhaps next they'll quantify the factors that result in self identification as a redneck.

You requested something from me about a week ago. If you're still haunting this letter thread, let me know and I'll post it here.

It's off-topic, but I'll make it work with a strained analogy.

I'm still here. I would love to see how you connect a soup recipe to this letters thread. Perhaps your willingness to do a favor for a fellow cooking enthusiast is actually evidence that you are a whipped, downtrodden man?

That does really suck that your friend did what he did. It doesn't mean that the woman would have dated you had he not approached her, that unfortunately you'll never be able to find out. But dating her when he had no intentions of it being anything lasting, knowing that you were interested, is pretty shitty. If he was really interested and so was she, you really can't stop mother nature by calling dibs. Heck, I was a bridesmaid in one of my closest friend's wedding to a guy I was the first to hook up with and really liked. But in your particular situation, it does sound like a back stabbing, especially him rubbing it in about her not being girlfriend material while he was still doing her, knowing that you were really interested in her for more honest reasons.

Not sure what to say about it for future situations though. Expressing interest in someone to your friends is a natural thing to do. You shouldn't have to worry that doing so will make the other guy now want to win her. In your case I think you just happened to have a very jerky friend and others in his situation would have respected your wishes and given you a fair chance of asking her out. Its what I would've done.

As for your Rod Stewart reference, I'm not familiar with the other singers so I can't quite comment on why women prefer what they do. I know that I personally don't find Rod Stewart attractive or BS65's favorite example Brad Pitt (with the exception of Thelma and Louise when he had that nice, long hair). Although I do think David Spade is the bomb. But my friends say I have odd tastes when it comes to white men. I do like the more classically hot black man and they say I should just stick with that. Maybe you might want to have people expand on their thoughts that you try to befriend the wrong types of dates. Maybe you are mis-reading cues.

I've always liked your posts and find you an interesting and intellectually thinking type of guy. There's got to be a girl out there for you, especially since you don't seem to exude the "nice guys always finish last" vibe that BS65 is so well known for. You're not bitter in any way so maybe you just need to be more assertive. Like, with the most recent girl, maybe you should have just asked for her number the first time you met her, before the friend was able to get to her the next time he saw her. I may have the scenario wrong, but thats what it sounded like. That he ran into her again a few days later and worked his charm and without a number, the woman didn't think you were interested. Now that she's with your friend, her rejection of your advances may have more to do with that since it can be weird dating a friend after just seeing another one. Or maybe she wasn't interested. But its too late now to ever know so next time just go for it.