Letters to the Editor
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Gaining a fan
Good for you: very fair.
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I agree, very fair
When you hear guys complain about "mind games" this is what they are complaining about.
Men expect simple direct orders - think Army. And when sexually aroused it becomes very difficult to pick up subtle social clues.
So you get this frustrating cycle of trying to guess what the girl wants. If you aren't assertive, she quickly loses interest. If you are assertive, you risk being accused of sexual assault.
It's frustrating, complex, and a huge mine-field.
But a direct no is a simple and uncomplicated thing. I had a girl give me a direct no after she had already reached orgasm. Disappointed - yes. But it was fine. Just move on.
Another girl dumped me because she consistently pushed me away (physically) whenever we got into heavy makeout/petting, so I would back off and resume conversation or whatever. This was a pattern on our dates. Eventually after one of these push/backoff episodes, she stood up and announced that she had no interest in me any more because I obviously wasn't willing to have sex. And then she left.
Huh?
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Can't wait
Can't wait to see the anti-women rants this post sparks. Yes yes, we're all eveeeeel and ruined your life.
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Nerdy maybe, but appreciated
At some point back in college, I decided to go with the direct approach because I was paranoid about sending mixed signals. I enjoyed the occasional hookup, but wasn't comfortable with casual sex. So before things got too hot and heavy, I'd just say outright in some form or another "we're not going to have sex tonight". Oddly enough, every guy (save one) I said that to seemed relieved to know what the limit was and so we could continue and have some fun without the stress of "does she want IT or doesn't she"? Some of my girlfriends were mortified that I was so upfront with guys instead of being coy, but it seemed better than risking any sort of 'faulty male introspection',...er...miscommunication.
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It's nothing to do with sex or men
This is just a simple failure of communication, nothing more or less, caused by the inability or unwillingness of one party to put themselves in the other party's shoes and consider how their words will be interpreted, then modify their words appropriately to get the actual meaning across.
It happens all the time in politics, in business, in friendships, even in interactions between complete strangers; it happens between men and men, between women and women, and between men and women. Why should the bedroom be any exception?
Communication with someone who thinks differently than ourselves is hard, and many of us aren't as good at it as we think we are.
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Thank God for Ms. Clark-Flory
You have advanced how men view women. What I mean is, in a culture where anything a women does is ok, and anything a man does is somehow wrong, the courage to actually point out the obvious in this dating circumstances is impressive. (by the way, be prepared for your sisters to attack you with venom).
The truth is, if a woman wants to say no, she does not need a series of signals to interpret. When a woman truly means no, she can and usually does make it clear. There is no beating around the bush (no pun intended) she simply says no, that's enough. Then she stands up and that's it.
So. Congratulations on making a statement about reality. In the world we live in, that has become a rare act.
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Finally
Though I regularly join in the chorus of Broadsheet critics, I can acknowledge a fair and nuanced analysis when I see it. I imagine the usual trolls will still find something to rip apart though. And I just can't wait to see brightstar's take. I could do some critical analysis here, but instead I'm just going to share a story.
When the semester started I met a girl. We started hanging out, a lot. In the first week, we ended up hanging out three days in a row, going grocery shopping, having coffee, and eventually ending up at a hookah bar snuggled together on the cushions. Most other guys would tell you that was enough of a 'signal', but I was looking for something specific - (intentional eye contact, tilting her face towards me, etc) that just never happened. Regardless, the tension must have been obvious because the next day she IM'ed me and told me that she really likes me but she has an old boyfriend in Florida and she's not sure how things stand with him so she needs time to figure things out and would still like to hang out in the meantime.
I'm not stupid - normally I would take this as a polite rejection and move on. But she keeps calling me, IMing me, basically going out of her way to hang out with me more than one would for any normal friend. When we are out with other people from school she constantly looks and smiles shyly at me, to the extent that I later find out that everyone else just assumed we were going out. Then one night she invites me over to watch a movie at her place. Again, same tension, same lack of obvious body signals. Eventually I thought "fuck it" and went for it anyway, only to be stopped with a reluctant head-shaking. Same explanation from her again.
Fast-forward another month and we are sitting on my bed, her telling me that her boyfriend is now casually seeing another girl and she thinks it might be over with them. There is a long silence. Finally I speak:
"Does that mean you won't pull away this time?"
"I...should. I still haven't completely broken it off and I don't want to be involved with two guys at the same time."
"So does that mean you'll pull away?"
"I don't know...I should."
I try and she does pull away. The stagnant cycle continues until one day I resolve to tell her to forget about the whole thing. There is another night of hanging out where, at her suggestion, we first eat ice cream in the park, then walk over the Williamsburg bridge together, then end up at my apartment. We sit and talk for a while until she uses that famous line: "it's getting late...I should go." At this point I take a deep breath and say we need to talk. Before I have a chance, she says that things are over with the Florida guy, but she's not sure what to do now, because it's dragged on for so long that now she feels like I have more invested in this emotionally than she does and she doesn't think it would be fair to me. In further conversation, she reveals that if I had been more pushy and aggressive she would have probably forgotten about the other guy and just gone with it.
In conclusion, it appears that 'no' does not always mean 'no'.