Letters to the Editor
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Coping Mechanism
I'd like to see a study on divorce "clusters". It seems to me divorce clusters around certain families. My extended family has very few divorces, on my wife's side it runs rampant. This author's reaction to her divorce seems almost cliche. He was a jerk, it was all his fault, I was the perfect loving wife, yada yada. Sounds like a coping mechanism that many woman can jump onboard for.
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divorce myths
1. The divorce rate in America is not, nor has it ever been, 50%. This favorite statistic of Dr Laura and other like her is based on a faulty conclusion and a misreading of actual survey results. The true divorce rate in America floats around 35-40% (http://www.divorcereform.org/real.html) (http://missourifamilies.org/FEATURES/divorcearticles/divorcefeature17.htm). Divorce rates were higher in the 1970s then they are now. Probably for 2 reasons: 1. more couples cohabit without getting married, and 2. the 1970s were the first time getting divorced was not an outright Scarlet Letter sentence for the woman.
2. Read this woman's memoir before you start calling her names. Or don't read it at all and ignore the whole thing. Don't forget her ex is perfectly capable of writing his own side of the story (heck, I bet he'd make a huge pile even if he's a terrible writer: the publisher would just love the two-fer-one cross-marketing appeal and publicity, no?) No one really needs to write their memoirs, and no one really needs to read them. Memoirs are a form of entertainment. If getting divorced is such a common experience, I'm sure there are many divorcees would be entertained by reading a similar experience. (How many memoirs are there out there on having children, raising children, getting hooked on/clean from drugs or booze, having a lousy childhood, getting/losing fame/wealth/power? It's all "common" in the end, no?) My understanding is that the thrust of this memoir is not "My ex was such a jerk! here's why ..." but "How I survived a terrible thing that happened in my life".
3. Embarrassing the kid? For writing a book? Maybe. But as a parent, I've pretty much doomed my kids to embarrassment by virtue of my being their mother. And I think writing a memoir is a helluva lot less embarrassing than cheating on one's pregnant wife and walking out on her and one's own infant.
4. The ex is obviously happier? It's a real toss-up. The 50% divorce stat actually more accurately applies to second marriages (there are several stats out there claiming it to be upwards of 60%) . Then again, despite what the trolls her believe, men's financial situations often improve after a divorce, while women's decline. So in the short term, between the extra cash in his pocket and the newish, unpregnant, woman in his bed, I'm sure the ex was living the life of Reilly. But over time? When the new marriage reveals the same, or different, discontents, disagreements, and disappointments as the old marriage? When wifey #2 gets preggers? When the new bartender at the After Work Bar looks so relaxed and sexy compared to old-new wifey? I'm guessing the ex realizes hhe grass isnt' really that much greener.
4a. Why anyone would marry their married lover is beyond me: how on earth do you trust them not to repeat?
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Thank you, Ms. Finnamore
As a woman currently struggling with divorce, this memoir could not have come out at a better time for me. I read it in a day, pencil in hand, laughing, agreeing, sympathizing, disagreeing at points. Of course the book is biased- it's her memoir, not her dissertation! Any kind of grief takes a circular path, and while dealing with a loss we might feel great one day but then awful the next. Ms. Finnamore's memoir made me feel like I might just make it out of this horrible experience not only intact, but with a smile on my face. Maybe it will be a wry, self-effacing smile, but it feels good to know that the day will come when I will smile again.
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I just read "Split" and ......
...one aspect of Finnamore's telling of this tale is the LACK of the typical dichotomy and the usual characterizations. If this were the same silly pathetic crap that you'd hear from some broad talking about her divorce to one of her girlfriends, it would never have been published, never gotten such terrific reviews or the acclaim it has.
The "ex" is not the villain of "Split", but he is characterized as as a kind of clown, and rightly so. Millions of people can identify with the behavior, the lies, the treachery of a cheating/leaving spouse, be it a husband OR a wife. No one was "bashed", but he was painted in full sunlight as the instigator of the breakup. Think that's "anti male"? Tough shit.
READ the actual book, or excerpts.
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Jesus, read the book first, some of you
I'm started by the ammount of vitriol here and wonder if the letter writers have looked at the book. Not only did Finnamore not demonize her ex (they become friends), but she as also bravely honest about her role in the divorce. Finnamore's book is moving, heart-scorchingly honest, and she's also incredibly helpful to any person going through a divorce. What I loved so much about the memoir is that she goes through the Elizabeth Kubler Ross stages of grief, and she does it with incredible grace, wit and yep, there's that word again--honesty.
Great book, great funny article by a smart, terrific writer.
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I loved this
This book sounds truthful, harrowing and hilarious -- I can't wait to read it.
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Thanks for a wonderful book!
One thing I remember clearly from when my own husband left me, in much the same manner as the author's, is he kept telling me to calm down, divorce happened to most everyone. Now I hear the same refrain here, "Hey, get over yourself, you are simply one of 50% of married women who end up divorced." Let me tell you this, it doesn't matter if your marriage was the last to survive in the whole country, when it happens to you it hurts, its personal and the statistics mean nothing. Would you tell someone who lost a child that such and such percent of parents will have this experience, so don't take it so personally? Of course not, what makes you think you can diminish the hurt of being betrayed by pulling out the numbers?
She has a voice and a story to tell that many people will relate to, and do any of you know what kind of courage it took to open this all up to the public? You want to condem her for making money, for airing laundry, well guess what, if you betray your wife, if you turn her world upside down, leave her and your child because you are following your lust for some other woman that you don't have to change diapers with, pay bills with and live a real life with, tough luck buddy if that wife just happens to also be a wonderful writer who finds a way to turn your lemons into lemonade. I thank her for sharing the truth, and for doing it with honesty, laughter and wit. Every woman or man who is just entering into this experience should be given a copy of this book as a lifeline, it will show them that they are not alone or crazy in the emotions that are rolling around within and that it will get better.