that men aren't frowned upon as much as women for abandoning their children.

maybe it's easier for them...but their children begin to hate them, the mothers down them in front of the children, the grandparents on the mother's side loathe him....

even if he calls sundays....if he isn't sharing custody...he's a slimeball just like the mother would be.

Finnamore, author of a novel about being engaged, "Otherwise Engaged," and a novel about pregnancy, "The Zygote Chronicles," also wrote about her divorce for Salon back in 2002.

One question that automatically comes to mind when I read about the marital collapse of any serious writer is -- did the writer put too much of her or his private relationship on the public page for the comfort level of the partner?

In Finnamore's case, it sounds like that could have been a factor.

Maybe the guy ended up feeling artistically obligated to leave her, because a divorce book was obviously the next step in her career.

I guess that sounds a little callous, but look, she's divorced and now she has another book to sell.

It's all good, but in a weird horribly painful way.

"When your husband...calls you jealous and insane..."

Too bad we won't be getting hubby's side of the story, here.

I'm just sayin!

What do you think are the reasons that your ex-husband is happier with this other woman than he was with you? Might that have something to do with how you behaved during the marriage? Just because there was another woman doesn't mean that everything he said was a lie, and recognizing that you probably contributed to the failure of the marriage--even though it was primarily your ex-husband's fault--isn't the same as letting him off the hook. Maybe your husband is the perfect asshole that you make him out to be in this interview, but that's a rare occurrence.

Also, your description of the double-standard is way overstated. You have no idea how men who have left their families get treated--not by the media but by regular people--and the suggestion that there's no social disapproval associated with that is just dumb. And the reason they only call every Sunday is often that that's all they can do, because the courts aren't very likely to give them custody.

I'm glad you're so strong and proud, Ms. Finnamore, but you seem remarkably lacking in wisdom. Forgiveness and understanding will ultimately be a lot better for you than arrogance.

Quote:

Our culture defines a woman's success by having a marriage and children. All you need to do is watch television for five minutes to see this. Men can leave home, run off to the nearest Hooter's and get engaged while they are still married; wives and women are frowned upon if they leave their children to go to work. It's not only unequal, it's perversely unequal.

End quote.

Last time I went in for my annual at Planned Parenthood, I asked about a new IUD on the market, asking why I'd need to be married with children like the commercial says it's recommended for. I thought if I asked my doctor she'd be able to shed some light on the matter. Instead, she's lecturing me for not choosing to reproduce. At Planned Parenthood. I thought this was the one bastion of light in a twisted world, but even here they're now buying into the whole be fruitful BS? I don't want children, end of story. Stop treating me like I'm living in some fantasy world because I think it would be a bad idea for me to have children and start accepting that I'm living up to responsibility.

This quote really hit home for me because of how women are looked at as incubators in our society. What ever happened to choice?

Almost everyone I know is divorced or separated.

After reading her original Salon article I really, really hate her ex. What I really want to hear about is how his second wife ran off with the pool boy and half his cash. But I don’t think I could do a whole book.

A couple years ago I picked up Dominique Brownings’s divorce memoir and started out loving her – but toward the end of the book I was so sick of her yammering on about that retaining wall and her ex’s summer place I was ready to divorce her too (kidding Dom, but seriously that wall analogy got super old). The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth because I realized that I didn’t really know what was going on – I was just hearing one women vent. Maybe her husband was a cool guy with a sob story of his own.

So while I love the short articles I think the books are a bit much unless you’re going through a divorce yourself.

Have you read this memoir? Do you know whether, at any point, it includes the author's self-reflection about how she contributed to the situation? Do you know if she takes any responsibility? Or are you just basing your insults on a few questions in an interview?

My ex cheated on me and it really pissed me off. Yes he called me jealous and insane when in fact he was screwing someone on the side and I was absolutely correct.

I have no illusion, though, that I was the perfect partner and he had no reason to take issue with me. Still, after 12 years together, you'd think he'd at least want to talk about it, right? Or be willing to work hard at the marriage counselor's office to find answers?

Whatever my flaws (or the author's) it takes two people to work on a marriage. It can be grueling and difficult to slog through all the crap that accumulates, clear it out, move forward inside the marriage. Her husband apparently chose not to tell her anything specific about his unhappiness (like mine) and instead found someone else.

Likewise, mine chose to lie to the marriage counselor and avoid any meaningful discussion. So no matter how willing I was to work with him, I had nothing to go on. That woman blew up my marriage but the two of us set the powder and the wick.

But cheating isn't a reasonable reaction when a marriage is failing. Talking to one another (not calling them insane) is at least a step in the right direction.