Letters to the Editor
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Thank you, meeneecat
for pointing out the role that consumerism plays in all this nonsense. Too many people have embraced the idea that Our Purchases Say Deep Things About Our Special Personal Identities, and again, men and women are equally guilty.
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The Point
The point is that men have lost their identity. Of course, since society was so male-dominated in the past, it had to be torn down to some extent. But perhaps we've gone too far in tearing down the ideal man. What do you say to a group of young men whose only cultural identity is continually demonized? I firmly believe that a very large percentage of unexpected, male violent crimes occur because of this loss of identity (I'm tempted to say white male, as that's almost always the case, but I don't want to exclude).
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@phunkjunky
"Rare is the case that is worth truly fighting for domestically that doesn't involve saving the relationship or involve kids."
Well, there's "fighting," and there's having a difference of opinion. Surely at work, among your friends, with your extended family, you've disagreed on something, yet you can work it out without tears or bloodshed? Why should your marriage be different?
"Once the female is upset, for slights real or imaginary, harmony cannot be achieved until she feels better. This usually involves apologizing (whether right or wrong) and waiting out the storm."
Oh please. This isn't all "her" behavior. You've never seen a man sulk? You've never seen a man hold a grudge? You don't get out much. And it of course it works both ways: when one partner is upset, there is, by definition, disharmony. Instead of rolling over and then resenting it, find a mature, rational way to discuss things!
"I love my mother to death, but there were things that she did that drove my dad and I nuts. She grew roses in whiskey barrels ....."
Was there nothing your father did that drove her bonkers? But she put up with it anyway? Because she loved him?
And anyway, couldn't your dad and your mom worked something out with the whiskey barrels, like go to a local nursery and ask for some tips on how to lighten the load?
"As far as being more involved in decisions regarding decor, most of us don't bother because we've learned that our taste in usually inferior and she is going to decorate how she wants to anyway. Why argue? A couch is a couch at the end of the day."
No, you'd rather be passive-aggressive, and resent her for picking a stupid couch you don't like. Or whatever. So the couch becomes far more than just a couch.
"Look around your house at the furniture, the knick knacks, look at everything and ask yourself did I pick this out or did my husband?"
We picked out furniture for the house together. As in, we went to the store, looked at their stock, had some favorites, and came to a compromise. So, I'm not as crazy about the bed (I wanted a 4-poster, we have a Shaker), and he's less nuts about the dining room table (he waned oval, I insisted rectangle would sit more people and fit better in our dining room). We both love our living room couch. We've picked out art prints together. I've He's sometimes come home with something he bought (a coffee table he loved, after our old relic bit the dust). I've painted and rearranged and done other redecorating things, but never without running it by him. He's never repainted the living room, but he's embarked on home projects that matter to him (making a cat door down to the litter box, which was a huge priority for him, while I was ambivalent).
"Men get married (or get into a long term relationship) expecting the woman not to change, and women get married expecting the man to change" has a lot of truth to it.
People change. And, yet, they stay the same. Your axiom is based on folly.
"What I want at home is often time secondary."
The Humble Abode power dynamic of which you speak probably has its roots in the fact that women were responsible for maintaining The Home, while men went out and earned The Money. It was her job, so her rules had to be the standard. Otherwise, why should she bother? Today it's far more complicated. But the smart couples power-share.
"Maybe that's why we cling to work and our after work routines... We have control there. We can be the kings of the castle there if we want, because when we get home it's another world."
It's that way only if you want it to be.
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As usual
women are engaging in the usual self contradictory double talk, speaking out of both sides of their ass.
they say they do not control us, yet it is not just a cliche, but a supercliche that women constantly play the game with the guy that they are always 'right'.
which is it twerps?
IT OBVIOUSLY cannot be both. That would be IMPOSSIBLE. But to women, who do not have to really live in the real world of honest ideas and responsibilities, unlike men, I can understand why it does not seem like a contradiction.
it is called manipulation. more men are waking to this REALITY.
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Sorry don't buy it Dick
More than half of my husbands friends are single, unmarried. They go to strip clubs, sometimes they use escorts, sometimes they have one night stands, sometimes they see a girl for a few months then dump her. When there is no such lady available, there is this stuff called porn. They have been doing this for over the past 10 years that I've known them and one of his friends long term girl started pressuring him about marriage so he left her.
These are young, fit, healthy men who from what I can tell enjoy and need sex, they just aren't going to depend on a long term girlfriend to get it and on the rare occassion they actually keep a woman around, they certainly don't let her run their lives, they'd rather kick her to the curb. There are always plenty of ways for a man to get laid and masturbation should be able to get you though a few spare months, sex isn't food or water, you won't actually die without it.
So I don't buy men give women all the power in a relationship because of sex, I believe it's because of no backbone. I know one guy who does this and I can firmly say he's spineless. Anyone can push him around, his friends do it, his girlfriends have done it, it's the role he likes. He prefers to complain than to stand up for himself, to anyone. He's terrified if he says boo, she'll dump him and he would never ever dump her, but a long time ago when we were talking and a little drunk he confessed he likes being told what to do, he's a mamma's boy. So he complains about her cause he thinks that's what he's supposed to do, but really deep down, it's a relationship dynamic he wants. Any previous girlfriend he had that his friends liked, seemed fair and normal, he dumped or cheated on her. This one, you can just tell he loves being on her leash and he wouldn't change it for the world, but boy oh boy does he love to complain.
If you fear being alone, well then you've chained yourself to misery and there is no one to fault but yourself.