Letters to the Editor
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Yup, reminds me of my Catholic high school years
Let's analyze the logic here.
Boys and girls in high school shouldn't have sex because it's immoral and the pope says not to.
If a girl gets pregnant, it's shameful. It doesn't really matter who the boy was, because the congregation can't see that. They can see the girl with the big belly and be disapproving.
Abortion is murder, and you should never, never have one.
A girl who is unfortunate enough to get pregnant out of wedlock should always give the baby up for adoption because that's the right thing to do.
Even if she does, we all still know what she did and she's a fallen woman.
If a girl or woman keeps the baby, it's better than an abortion, but not by much. She doesn't get a baby shower or any help, because she did the wrong thing.
But oh by the way, we're the culture of life.
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The Scarlett Letter
I think Salon's book group should do a revisionist reading of THE SCARLETT LETTER. We can include the resident shamers. They'll fit in just fine: Hawthorne despised women writers too.
Seriously. When Hester is standing facing the mob of righteous types, they are upset that she is proud and has embroidered her A. She is supposed to be shamed. She isn't.
And Pearl, despite everyone's choplicking hopes, turns out well. The baby-daddy doesn't.
What WAS Hawthorne thinking of?
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M-O-M
Way back when my oldest child was tiny, a kind-hearted friend asked me if I'd like to volunteer with her in downtown Cleveland for a program called M.O.M. (Mothers Outreach to Mothers). We were both newbies to motherhood and to volunteering (having previously been full-time employed and now not). Anyway, the introductory meetings laid the groundwork for the pair-ups b/t volunteers and new, poor, teenage, single mothers. It was very business-like--how to get them welfare, how to take them shopping for diapers, how to convince them to get the father on record, etc. Not to mention, of course, how to be supportive emotionally at all hours, help with the babies, and all that.
Well, for a lot of logistical reasons we never participated in the program, but my friend later told me that she couldn't stop thinking about the complete absence of shame involved. It bothered her. When I protested that shame has no redeeming qualities, she said, yes, in fact, it did. It was a powerful deterrent. I have no idea if she was right or not but I couldn't really shake her idea. Keep in mind that we were in the throes of our own "baby love" and thought mostly of the babies involved, not the moms. But it sort of made sense to me, that complete societal acceptance probably made individual moms feel better (not to mention helped their babies) but in the long run promoted more poor babies without a real chance. And yet, encouraging shame? I can't really endorse that.
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@Greeneyed
Yep. We shouldn't even think of "shame" anymore. It's just wrong.
But a 25% venereal disease rate among teenage girls? No way they themselves had anything to do with that.
Must be those dirty boys.
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In response
Single mothers are not ruining society, but they are a product of it as cliche as it sounds. I don't think that being poor is the biggest culprit when it comes to an increase in babies being born out of wedlock. In the "old days" there were less babies being born out of wedlock because you DID NOT have sex outside of marriage. Yeah, it happened, but because women had no other prospects marriage was the ultimate goal, and apparently men liked virgins. Today, women can take of themselves AND society says that its okay to have sex outside of marriage. Most people see moving in together as the step before marriage. Naturally, "accidents" do happen. Not to say that all babies who are born out of wedlock are unwanted, but a majority of them are probably unplanned. Unmarried parents probably haven't (or been able to) put money away for a diaper fund or a college education. Babies are expensive and a lot of responsibility. If a man doesn't want to step up and make commitments (planning to keep them) why should he be expected to want to be responsible for a child? I say bravo to Emily. Political correctness is messing so many things up. Don't be selfish! Grow up and think about the future!
On a different note: It's funny---the more we women demand that the cavemen give us rights over our own bodies the less we care for the rights of the people we create.
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please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand
Why are we even talking about marriage? It's a ridiculous outmoded institution that should be abolished entirely. You want to enter into a contract with another human being? Get a lawyer. Your gender, your economic status, your religion shouldn't have anything to do with it.
And shame? Really? You want to know why those girls are getting VD Parson? Abstinence only education isn't telling anyone about how not to get diseases. Only our churches and governments should be ashamed.
And those kids going through those programs... still have sex. With less information.
True Love Doesn't Wait... and it never has.
We need new ways to deal with each other, including raising kids.
Of course, your logic does work in one way... my friends who have kids on their own have a lot of stress... less so for my friends who are sharing the responsibilities amongst two parents.
And my poly friends who are sharing childrearing amongst three or four people are the happiest of all!
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Prudence sucks
I mean honestly, her advice is mediocre at best. Cary Tennis often rambles, misses the mark, throws out duds, etc. But often he manages to answer difficult questions artfully or even brilliantly, sometimes several in a row. Yoffe is usually just a prude and a scold. Her 'advice' rarely fails to disappoint me.
As for whether single motherhood should be frowned upon...
It's taken me a long time to begin to get past my dear mother's grade C- dysfunctional single parenting. I still have no concept whatsoever of what it is to have a father and I don't really pay enough attention to my pets - god forbid that I should ever have actual children. I still envy people with actual parents.
I don't know the degree to which shame made her try to do a nominally better job, or how much it limits the number of single-mothers-by-choice, or how effective shame is at all. Many, many cultures do use shame as an effective social sanction, however; and living in a society that has as little shame as ours does (in so many ways) is nothing to be proud of.