Make him laugh, get him comfortable with you. Not all guys are adonises with ample experience laying females. Some guys need to relax around you women to let the chemistry flow. Why is ti always on the guy to do these things?

"The Case for Marrying Mr. Good Enough," is that women should settle rather than holding out for some ideal man. I like that Gottlieb is chipping away at the old poisonous myth of "The One."

That is the problem, women's 'list' of characteristics is flawed. Rough gems need not apply. But that guy, the one that approaches you, well, he MUST be the one, even though the reason he approached you was that he knows exactly how to do it to maximize his PROFITS, basically you being Miss Number 968 and he will scram after he gets inside you.

Women, decide what you want, not hot, but decent guys. Decide you will nurture the relationship, make the first move. I cannot say how many times I have heard that women making the first move was the best move they made, because that guy would NEVER have approached you, yet he is 'perfect' and perfectly sweet once you get to know him.

Drop the 'easy pick up' loser artists. Quit playing the role of victim. WHERE IS YOUR INNER AMAZON? 90% of guys are flattered when a woman asks them out-- Were the odds so heavily in favor for men when they do the asking.

So passion bad, chemistry good. The passion comes AFTER you get to know him, not because he is spreading magic pixie dust around you after five minutes.

Not to be too cranky about it, but you 30somethings are in your fourth decade.

Now me, being 40, I will enter my fifth decade when I have my next birthday.

Math is fun!

Good!

/who cares?

I used to be conflicted about the same issues. Then I realized I never, ever wanted to be part of suburbia and so life hasn't given that to me.

But ultimately it is subjective. You should think about what you really want. Part of the agony is not making that decision.

Once you decide on your path, you will feel great.

Fortunately this isn't Jane Austen's England anymore. Bravo to holding out for passion and frienship with an appreciation for human faults. Boos to generalizations about men and womens motivations from Gottlieb or Brightstar.

When I was 30 I married a guy who was plenty good enough. Not "perfect," but who is? I don't feel I was "settling," but rather that I was being realistic about who I wanted to be with and about who wanted to be with me. Who cares that he has a gut and that I contracted a weird stressed-induced illness (that I eventually got over). Who cares that I freak out if I get lost or that he purposely mispronounces some words for reasons known only to him. It's all about give and take, and making a life together.

And then on our 11th wedding anniversary he announced that he was going to divorce me so he could date younger women.

Just goes to show there are no guarantees, no matter if you find "The One," "A Really Good One Who I Love and Respect," "Mr. Good Enough," or "Mr. Wrong." Go live your life and don't let your mother or Lori Gottlieb tell you what to do.

Abandoning a superficial list of meaningless achievements in favor of developing true intimacy with a real, live, messy, complicated, endlessly fascinating, actual human being who leads you question your own assumptions about what a "quality" human being is, which in turn allows you to relax and become more comfortable with yourself = Extraordinary!

Well, it's been too long since I've been 30, so I can't comment on how "every" 30-year-old feels about marriage. So I'll comment on "every" late 40s and early 50s married woman I know: They're all really irritated about being married.

Bad, Bad, Baaaaaad. There has got to be some passion between two lovers. Otherwise life would be like Leave it to Beaver and that would suck, Right? Seriously it would, if there isn't some hardcore crap holding the two of you together and sparking the ignition, how are you gonna work it out through the tough times? Because there are always going to be some very rough times. Then if Mr. Right shows up all the heartache that will happen to you, to your husband, to the Mr. Right, it's just not worth it.

Don't settle for some fantasy of suburban life and the perfect family, and perfect marriage. Because it doesn't exist. The real thing is a whole lot messier and a whole lot more intense and a lot sexier I might add.

The point Gottlieb seemed to be trying to make is that in the long run, marriage is about partnership. When you are young, the point of relationships is that helpless sensation you get when you think about your lover. As you grow older, hopefully you have had that feeling, and what you need is a partner to handle the complex lives we live and want to live, with family, friends, work, and social action. The feeling of true love isn't going to do you any good if your spouse doesn't hold up the other end of the stick from youra. It goes away with familiarity anyway. So, what Gottlieb calls settling may mean nothing more than moving directly to the partnership stage of a relationship, without the necessity of that movie sensation.

I have been business partners with the same guys for many years. We pull our share of the plow, and starting from nothing have developed comfortable working and friendship relationships, that have proved profitable. Gottlieb points out that running a marriage is a lot like running a small non-profit business, and you need that set of skills and relationships to make it work. Men and women would both benefit from this kind of calculus, rather than assume that their needs at 40 are the same as their needs at earlier ages.