Letters to the Editor
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Discounting marriage
The writer made completely valid points, and I completely respect her decision not to get married. I too find it disgusting that I can enjoy a benefit that many of my friends, merely because of their partner's gender, cannot. But to declare it a mere "piece of paper," is to dismiss the very real protections marrige provides you.
What comes to mind for me is the Terri Schiavo case. Had she and her husband eschewed that "mere piece of paper" she would still be tragically attached to life support and suffering.
The idea that my parents would be able to make such life and death decisions for me in the event of a similar situation is part of what prompted me to shout "YES" when my husband popped the question.
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Yes, condescending, but she was provoked
(Sorry but sometimes I just can't turn off my inner bitch... my first reaction to her "I don't need a white dress to feel pretty" was: Hon... that's good 'cause a wedding dress wouldn't do a thing for you.)
Why is this anyone's business? I think some of her arguments are pretty silly, but I also think the appropriate response to anyone who says "When are you two going to get married?" is tossing the contents of whatever beverage is most readily to hand into the questioner's face. The lady protesteth too much, but that's because she seems to be surrounded by aggressively rude people who have gotten her back up.
Marriage is about, among other things, fitting neatly into boxes. Human beings want other human beings to fit into boxes. If you say, "They're married," then everyone more or less thinks they know what that means. If you say, "They are in a committed relationship," then no one has any bloody idea. Could mean anything. Of course that's threatening to the sort of people who like to put others into boxes. She's responding in what strikes me as a singularly silly way, by standing in the box while saying "I just happen to be standing here, it doesn't mean anything, I'm not in the box in any existential sense." 'Kay, whatever gets you through a day. If you ever break up, you're still going to have to decide who gets the toaster, just like married people.
And yeah, she is condescending. Just one example:
I am Jeff's partner, his friend and his lover, and he is mine. The terms "husband" and "wife" wouldn't even begin to describe our relationship.
Funny, those are the exact terms most people use to describe just exactly that relationship. It's her apparent cluelessness that makes her offensive.
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@ Anonymous, re: divorce rates
Check this
http://www.prepinc.com/main/Docs/what_really_div_rate.html
and this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_rate
We divorce almost as often as the Finns and the Belorussians!
Several times in my life I have been told, by male friends or avuncular acquaintances, "Whatever you do, don't get married."
Never once, not a single time, has someone said to me, "Man, you gotta get married. It's awesome."
I don't begrudge anyone who actually wants to get married, because it makes for a great party that one night, but too many of these capers aren't thought out well or are just done because one or more of the parties feels pressured to do it. Pressured by his partner, pressured by parents, society, the whole thing. Most people are probably just wasting their time. Why can't we admit that?
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There must be an epidemic
I find myself constantly defending the same position, often to my normally rational, intelligent, socially aware girlfriends, no less! It's amazing how limited our society's thinking is around the behavior and thinking of its heterosexual female members.
My partner is just dying to get married. I'm afraid I'll walk in on him mooning over a pile of bride magazines any day now (unless they publish groom magazines?). I just don't see what the big deal is: we plan on having children, purchasing mortgages and generally spending the rest of our lives together so what gives over this ritual and its accompanying piece of paper?
The fact that I'm the one with no desire to race down the aisle has my female friends ready to toss me out in the cold. I've been accused of being everything from commitment-phobic, insincere, immature, you name it.
When men prefer life partnership to marriage, our culture seems to nod sagely and listen to his arguments. When women prefer it, we get read the riot act.
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Huh?
It doesn't make sense to talk about what marriage is or isn't. Marriage is what the two people make of it. A great marriage is heaven and a lousy marriage is hell. I know.
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Regarding marriage
Well, when handing out advise it's always better to say no, no don't do it! Because if you go do it, then if it doesn't work out they can say I told you so. Also, from my experience with my husband's friends who all screamed at him to not get married, permanently single guys by choice friends don't really like watching their pool of friends dwindle for weekend partying and travel because of kids and wives.
Though I have advised my cousin to wait to marry her boyfriend, to really really be sure, she's only 22. I tell her don't break up with him, but really wait to get married until you've been through a lot with him, love is easy when there has been no strife or hardship, there is no rush, you have no idea how long your life is. I know if I had married my husband at 22, we'd probably be divorced right now instead of happily married. When you are still pretty young, I think you need to feel like this is not permanent, I can leave, I can change my life overnight if I want too. I think if you get married at the wrong time, even to the right person, that marriage can feel like a prision, like a choke chain you can never take off, unless you want everyone thinking you failed or something. So everyone has to decide on their own timeline. Plus we really should give family a little leeway, this whole children not getting married thing is new for everyone. Though I did hate having to justify to my mother and other family members why we weren't getting married. People need to stop asking that question to people who are dating or even living together, you shouldn't have to justify why you aren't getting hitched, now or later.
As for thinking marriage is just a piece of paper, well nope, it really is more than that, I can't explain it, other than you have made a concrete decision in front of everyone, that you aren't going to change your life unilatterly overnight. I was like Ms. Ambivelance, never a little girl dreaming of her wedding day( I didn't have some ridiculous huge wedding or 5000 dollar gown) worried that marriage doesn't really work and blah blah blah was fine with never being proposed to, we had been dating for 6 years already, living together for 3.
I can't explain what kind of change in me marriage brought, sort of a sense of security, a sort of whenever there is a problem, is this problem large enough to want to move all my stuff out and get an attorney and spend thousands of dollars to extricate myself from the relationship?
Plus getting double dental insurance when I needed it was nice and saved us thousands of dollars.
Marriage is hard, raising children is hard.
I would never pressure another person to make those leaps, telling other people they just have to make life altering commitment, I just figure is not my place. But if you ask me if marriage is awesome? It is and it isn't. With every gain there is a loss, but those kinda happen in any monogomous relationship.
Marriage and kids, there will always be moments when you want to run away and never look back, being single and never having kids, certainly an easier way to live. Living together and not needing to hire a divorce attorney if you break up, I suppose some people are jealous.
I think some people get really angry and bitter when they see people who took in their eyes an easier path, while their life has been more of a struggle in their opinion.