Letters to the Editor
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if you let him in the kitchen you won't have the kind of complete control over things that you will have alone
how to have men there for helping and doing what you want but at the same time absent for all decision making, judgement or opinion is a problem that women and feminism haven't solved yet (at least not for all people although there appear to be signs of progress in many cases).
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Re-enactment, or rehearsal?
So what do Broadsheet readers think: Are there times when some good old-fashioned stereotyping makes for better pumpkin pie or bigger laughs, or does it always spring from that dark, stupid corner of our souls?
Another way to ask this question is: do we inhabit these roles psychologically or theatrically? Because we feel we must? Or because we wish to perform, out of some ceremonial, archetypal, or even satirical urge?
This is a question that social psychologists have been asking a lot recently — about BDSM devotees, about drag kings and queens, anyone who consciously and (at least on the surface) solemnly assumes a gendered or sexualized role outside of the social norm. Is it "screwed up" — are these people who are helplessly re-enacting past traumas personal and collective? Or are they engaged in something more like an investigation, like actors rehearsing roles?
I have to imagine that most people in our society are caught somewhere between the two. They don't want to live like a 1950s fantasy (it is to laugh — have you seen what people paid in taxes then?) — but once or twice a year they want to put on the costume and play. Having no easy access to that notion, they cover it up as some kind of reaction against modernity, a tale of how some things are just meant to be, despite our modern politically correct conceits.
At least, some writers appear to, including the ones that Carol Lloyd cites. Maybe I'm going out on a limb but I think even those of us who consider themselves fairly conservative don the apron or grab the carving knife more as actors than as culture warriors.
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Yeesh...
Boy, I just love those "because all the women __I_ know do it, that must mean all women do it" type of stories. And such tales are even funnier when the writer tosses in a dollop of good ol' Southern "tradition" to put themselves on the "perfect wifey" high road.
One hates to burst Neal's bubble but there are a fair amount of women who 1) eat out; 2) split the cooking chores with husband; 3) have family dinners where everyone brings a holiday dish; 4) rotate the cooking with their husbands or other family members. My mother used to be a perfectionist about holiday dinners, but she soon found she was spending the entire day before preparing; the entire day itself cooking; and the day after resting. She had no time to just enjoy the day. Suffice to say, she doesn't do that anymore. ;) And it's a shame Neal seems to think it is a man and son's "right" to relax while she and her daughter slave away. When do they get to enjoy the holiday? Or is that not something "good housewives" and "wifeys in training" do?
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division of labour
My partner and I have a pretty simple system -- I cook, he does the dishes (and we don't have a dishwasher, so this is almost a fair tradeoff... especially when we order take away... he still does the dishes!) It works out best for us because I have more cooking creativity, whereas he just kind of lacks that (eg when I ask him to cook dinner, I have to tell him what to cook, otherwise he frets). Thats our system (wouldn't work for everyone). I'd like to think we'd stick to it on the Holidays.
Maybe more families should do that? The cooks can cook (regardless of gender) and the people who didn't cook (including any children over 12) can do the clean-up. Fon't try that old chestnut and tell me an man is so incapable that he can't do dishes. Thats nonsense. A 12 year old can do dishes/dry dishes/put things away. In my family everyone always pitched in, in a way that suited their abilities.
Women may be the better cooks because thats how they were brought up, but thats no exuse for me to laze about all day on Thanksgiving!
I've also noticed a lot of women who don't get their husbands/BFs to do things because those clueless men just don't do things as well as we do... to which I say, if that's your attitude, you'll end up doing everything for everyone. Be less of a perfectionist, and give the people you want to help out good clear directions on what you want them to do! (No one, male or female, is a mindreader).
I think women will find that a lot of guys are happy to help out and be involved, so long as they aren't dealing with constant citicism that they didn't stack the dishes the 'right' way!
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not at our house
Our Thanksgiving this year was three men, four women. Two of the women cooked; two didn't, but set the table and brought the food out to be served. Two of the men cooked; one didn't, but he cleaned off the table. Everyone cleaned up and divided leftovers into packages to take home. Before the meal, my father and husband and our female friend sat on the sofa while my mom and I and my mom's female friend and her husband talked in the kitchen. Afterward, we all sat at the table like civilized people laughing and talking until it got late and we went home. (We eat late - the game is over before dinner starts - and everyone prefers it that way.)
My mother-in-law's house is a different matter; at her house, the women all leap up after the meal and run to the kitchen to clean as if it were their favorite thing in all the world, and the men collapse in front of the game. Just one problem when my husband and I visit; he has no interest in the game, and I have no interest in cleaning and listening to "girl talk" (in other words, no subject I would ever talk about except in the company of these people) while all the men sit on their asses. In addition, the chatting and inefficiency of her cleaning makes it take as long as the game.
So we tried something new, as a project. Now as soon as the last fork hits the plate, he leaps up with a Happy Christmas Elf smile and says, "Oh, let me do that, you've worked so hard already." The other men look a little miffed, but promptly join him so as not to lose face in front of their wives. The men actually want to SEE THE GAME so the kitchen is cleaned in record time. Then everyone sits down in front of the TV together. Eventually most of the other women decide they hate football and head out to the patio together to talk about shopping. My husband and I avoid both groups by keeping the children amused.
It's probably not hard for readers to guess which gathering I prefer. The conversation at my parents' house touched on more subjects than I can easily list. If I had to imitate the conversation at my MIL's house, it would come out like a Weebl and Bob episode: "Blah blah blah shoes blah blah baby blah football blah blah sale tomorrow football." As a foreign observer in the strange land of traditional Heartland culture, the strangest thing to me is that my in-laws don't seem to have any more interest in what they're saying or doing than I do. They just say what's expected; they don't seem to enjoy it. Whereas at my folks' house, we enjoyed the heck out of ourselves.