Letters to the Editor
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To jello5929
You asked: "Is hidden camera what you would recommend for a woman whose spouse was coming at her with a bat? Take it that first time then get on tape next time? Or maybe try to establish a pattern by taping the first 10-15 incidents where he hits her with a bat?"
If I were married to someone like this, there is no way I would leave my kids with that guy. If I thought there was any chance that a judge might not give me SOLE custody, I would take a few hits for the team.
I'm a Mom. My child -- even though she is now in her twenties -- comes first in matters of life and death and her serious well being. People just don't want to make the serious choices they need to to protect their children.
I don't believe the abusive parent should ever have custody of the children. I believe spousal abuse IS a form of child abuse. Living in poverty is better than living with abuse.
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To AKA Smith
"Earlier in my marriage, my spouse came home drunk one evening. He begged me to please get him up in the morning in order to get to work on time no matter what I had to do. I told him I was setting the alarm clock for him (he was too blind drunk to set it) and that I would do my best to see he got up. Morning came. The alarm went off but he simply turned it off and stayed in bed. "Get up," I said and shook him. He pushed my hands off his shoulders and mumbled. I tried again. More mumbling. However, I knew he was very ticklish on his feet, so I pulled back the covers and began to tickle his feet. That is when he sent the alarm clock whizzing past my head. If it had hit me, it would have killed me."
I believe everything you say, but I am perplexed (have been years) as to how women as intelligent as you obviously are, end up in the kinds of marriages that you described.
The worse thing I ever did to my wife was call her stupid and incompetent (because she had finally broken the garbage disposaler under the kitchen sink through mis-use, after years of my screaming at her how to properly use the thing), I felt horrible afterwards and I still want to pound my head on the table every time I think back on that incident. My wife had every right to leave me after that spat, but I am glad she forgave me, after weeks of my pleading how much more stupid I had been (we got rid of the disposaler without replacing it, and now I realize my kitchen is a lot more safer without it, and the strainer in and of itself has been enough to keep the pipes from clogging up).
Arguing is one thing, every couple does that, but I can't understand why people would stay in an abusive relationship, or get married before they made the determination that their relationship would not be an abusive one.
I decided I am going to impress 2 value onto my daughter; to never married a man (or woman) that she hasn't known for several years, and to never feel that she has to marry someone, even if she accidentally gets pregnant. If worse comes to worse, I'll take care of a daughter and a grand child at the same time. Anything to prevent my children from ending up in an abusive relationship, even if I have to chain them to their beds.
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Correction to earlier post:
I meant to write that the alarm clock could have killed me. With the force that it was thrown, had it hit my head, there is no doubt that I would have been injured. It was aimed at my head.
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@ fetboy
I was only married once. That was enough for me.
Intelligence and common sense are not the same thing. I confess to a healthy IQ, but I don't have a lot of common sense. Also, I married at 19. I went straight from an abusive home to being married. I knew my spouse a little over a year before we were married but he was gone for quite a bit of the time before we were married. He worked far away, travelled riding bulls, and then was drafted into the military. I did not know him well. I once read that in the most sucessful marriages the couples have known each other 2-4 years. I also wish people wouldn't get married until they are at least 25. People really haven't fully developed judgment and a clear sense of themselves until about that age.
Remember that poor self-esteem is the biggest element in whether or not someone will put up with abuse. My self-esteem was really very poor until my late twenties. I really don't consider myself a physically abused wife. Only by the study mentioned in the article would I be one. Instead, I suffered far more psychological abuse from my ex. To be fair, in a verbal quarrel, I am no sweetie. But I am not manipulative. My ex was extremely manipulative and passive aggressive. He was a rare, but memorable binge drinker. Once or twice a year, he really tied one on.
If you protect your daughter's self-esteem and show respect to your wife, most likely your daughter will make good choices.
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are you for real fet, I mean about the beating yourself up for criticising someone for breaking something
it sounds like a wicked satire to me. On the off chance you are for real how many women do you think would beat themselves up over calling their husband an idiot for refusing to use a household object in a way that wouldn't destroy it. Keep talking you make our points better than we ever could.
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Curious about about your thinking fetboy
According to karma theory, don't you think I might have deserved everything I got? Might I not have done some evil in a past life which I needed to repay.
I have chatted with people who though everything was karma. I once chatted with a guy who thought that an abused child should not be encouraged to report her abusive mother but rather should let the karma play itself out lest she incur more karma debt.