Letters to the Editor
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Define 'abuse'
I think all the stats reported on this subject are suspect, for all the reasons already alluded to in the article.
My wife has hit me a number of times. Is it abuse? It didn't really faze me. Did I deserve it? I don't even recall - I just recall being rather startled and thinking "hmm, I guess I must have really hit a button". I'm a gym addict, and pretty strong. If I ever hit my wife (I never have), would that be abuse? If I really wound up and clocked her? Well of course - she'd probably end up in the hospital. What if it was a slap upside the head? Trickier - but I'd still vote 'yes' - because the scare factor is so much higher. I really could do a lot of harm. It's not a symmetric relation in that respect.
Verbal abuse is more interesting to me. Is there a couple alive that haven't had a overtired stressed out shouting match that they later regret? In my house, the debate usually revolves around swearing. When I lose my cool, I swear like a pirate. It's nothing to be proud of, but it's just what my brain starts doing when it's saturated with adrenaline. My wife will swear also, and can be just as foul, but it's less typical. Her MO tends toward just being mean and demeaning. But she'll do it without swearing, and then try to the moral high ground. From where I sit, there's no real difference. However, just like the physical example above, I feel compelled to at least try to live to a higher standard (not that I succeed), because when I'm foaming at the mouth angry, I'm _scary_, while my wife is just really goddamn aggravating.
I'm wondering what other people think. Should men and women be held to different standards when it comes to bad domestic behavior? I really don't know.
One thing I do believe though - people - all people - behave badly sometimes. We're not robots. We don't get enough sleep, we have a bad day, we are pulled in too many directions, the kids aren't behaving, the adrenaline starts to kick in ... some things you just can't rationalize your way out of - you snap. I don't think that qualifies as 'abuse'. I think it's how you behave in the interim that matters most. Are you just a SOB no matter what? Are you a mean drunk? Can you say "I'm sorry" after you collect yourself and return to earth; or do you rationalize your bad behavior as being justified goddamn it?
--anonabad