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• Friday, October 26, 2007 06:33 AM

  @Anonymous / "Define Abuse"

  "Is there a couple alive who hasn't had a loud shouting argument that they regret later" (or whatever your actual quote was-- I'm too lazy to go back and copy-n-paste it..

  I'd say "Yes, most definitely". My wife and I rarely fight and when we do its generally pretty civil. And we're usually pretty good about saying what we need to say and listening to what the other one is trying to say-- not necessarily agreeing-- but at least trying to listen.

  I should also point out that we are both financially able to support ourselves, have outside jobs/careers w/responsibilities that we have control over, and have both had previous marriages and opportunities to get our "ya ya's" out, so to speak-- so our marriage is very much a partnership of equals.

  Recently we've had a new baby boy whom we both love and adore and take turns taking care of and doing all the things that need to be done. It can get tricky at times balancing a career with family, but we are both committed to it, and family comes first (at least with me anyway :)

  We have issues, same as anybody, but we rarely lose our cool about it-- in fact, in thinking back, I'm hard-pressed to think of even one time.

  So I would say to anybody who is having a different experience, WHY are you fighting? What good does it do you? Does anything change? (For the better?) Or do you just hit the same old notes and sing the same sad songs over and over?

  There is a difference between an ARGUMENT-- which does not need to involve yelling, cursing, name-calling, intimidation, ultimatums or physical violence-- and a FIGHT, which typically includes many/most of those things. If you find yourself yelling, or engaging in any of those behaviors-- you're probably not "ARGUING" but "FIGHTING" and you should take a deep breath, remember who it is you're there with, and take a time-out, step away (even if it means "loss of face") and come back later when you're less upset. And if the other person won't let it go-- stay away for awhile. Do whatever you need to do to get OUT of the situation until tempers calm and cooler heads can prevail.

  If you profess to love someone, why would you want to hurt them by fighting? If you love them, walk away until you can just talk it out.

  —Mr E Read Mr E's other letters
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