Letters to the Editor
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The Over-Extended Ovary: A Male Primer on the New American Woman
She says: "You've got great taste in design."
She means: You are a fag. I would rather fuck your dog.
You say: "Thanks. Don't touch the bed sheets."
You mean: You are a man. I would rather eat a pube.
She says: "You are such a quiet person."
She means: I will make you my bitch-boy.
You say: Nothing.
You mean: I'm already fucking your co-workers, She-Ra.
She says: "Come talk to me."
She means: Fix my computer, geek boy.
You say: "Just a minute."
You mean: Maybe in 2011.
She says: "Can you fix my computer."
She means: Do my ec problem-set, too, or I'll kick you in the balls.
You say: "Sure."
You mean: I-bankers can be finnicky. Society will be better served if you refine your blow-job techniques.
She says: "I love to explore the city."
She means: I love eating at new restaurants that I can't afford.
You say: "Great. There is a new place in SouthEast."
You mean: It will be cheaper to get mugged in the alley.
She says: "I love my two-year-old nephew."
She means: My ovaries are clocking over-time.
You say: "He's really cute."
You mean: The net-present inflation-adjusted cost of a child (excluding negative social externalities) is slightly less than the national debt of Mozambique before they floated their currency.
She says: "Boys will be boys."
She means: Men smell like horses, but they have smaller cocks, and they won't eat out of my hand.
You say: "Your fat ass is blocking the television"
You mean: Your fat ass is blocking the television.
She says: "Thanks for your message but I've met somebody else and I want to see how it turns out."
She means: If I could press a button to kill you instantly and nobody knew I did it I would.
You say: "Honey, I'm having some problems at work, I may be here awhile."
You mean: I am paying $24.95 a month for this dating service. If I have to fuck the fat girl who wants to take riding lessons, so be it, but I will get my money's worth one way or the other.
She says: "Just be yourself."
She means: Nobody will ever steal my little boy if he still dresses like a 12 year old.
You say: "Okay, mom."
You mean: Please don't forget that I like Skippy Smooth a lot better than that organic stuff you make yourself.
She says: "What a cute puppy."
She means: I would settle for a gay-boy like you if we could have cute babies and live in your brownstone.
You say: "His name is Rocky. He's a very good boy."
You mean: In six weeks I will have him trained to lick my balls on command. You will never do that.
She says: "Watch my place in line, I'll be right back."
She means: I have large mammary glands so I don't have to stand here like everyone else.
You say: "Sure, no problem."
You mean: When you return I will require you to get back in line behind me so I can casually caress your nipples with my shoulder blades.
She says: "Buy me a drink."
She means: You are a poor excuse for a man.
You say: "Bartender, bring me a scotch on the rocks. And a Shirley Temple for the lady."
You mean: I would rather give head to your mother.
She says: "Abortion is homocide."
She means: I was raped by my born-again step-father in a trailer in West Texas after church and gave birth to my brother-in-law who is now a leading Republican Congressman.
You say: "Too bad."
You mean: This country is going to hell.
She says: "I am a lesbian."
She means: I am the over-privileged daughter of wealthy liberal parents who understand that I'm just going through a phase. You would have been perfect for me six weeks ago.
You say: "Really."
You mean: You have a weird face but if you kissed a girl I'd probably do you.
She says: "Do you have a light."
She means: You are so hot I want to set myself on fire.
You say: "Um, uh, I don't think so, no."
You mean: I am so fucking sexually repressed that if you pulled your pants down right now I would cry.
She says: "Um, do you know how to get to the library?"
She means: I am licking my lips and playing with my hair to give you a hard-on.
You say: "It's right here."
You mean: In my pants.
She says: "My boyfriend is shopping his novel around so I decided to take this writing class -- but it's not about him."
She means: He will never get published so I'm looking for an upgrade.
You say: "I'm writing a novel about a misunderstood man who experiences a sense of alienation from the world."
You mean: You've got a very pretty face but you'd hate me.
She says: "My lesbian friend said never date women. What do you think?"
She means: You are slim, single, and over 30, and you dress very well. Aren't you gay?
You say: "I agree."
You mean: You're nice, but you are too fat to introduce to my friends.
She says: "I had four kids with my ex, all by c-section."
She means: I am 45 and I haven't had sex in three years, but my pussy is tight as a drum.
You say: "Wow."
You mean: I would like to fuck you right now but I find your fecundity frightening.
She says: "I'm really a bitch."
She means: I will treat you badly but I will make up for it in bed.
You say: "Let's go."
You mean: Now.
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To Blackpaw and anonymous again!
News flash; if the chick's drunk, you don't have to (and should not) f*ck her. If she's drunk or your drunk, walk away.
Why do I get the sense that you feel that you can't get laid unless the chick is unconscious. Probably because you can't get laid unless the chick is unconscious. I'm pretty sure even hookers would stay away from you.
Seek help guys, if you are in fact different people.