Letters to the Editor
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The Over-Extended Ovary: A Male Primer on the New American Woman
She says: "You've got great taste in design."
She means: You are a fag. I would rather fuck your dog.
You say: "Thanks. Don't touch the bed sheets."
You mean: You are a man. I would rather eat a pube.
She says: "You are such a quiet person."
She means: I will make you my bitch-boy.
You say: Nothing.
You mean: I'm already fucking your co-workers, She-Ra.
She says: "Come talk to me."
She means: Fix my computer, geek boy.
You say: "Just a minute."
You mean: Maybe in 2011.
She says: "Can you fix my computer."
She means: Do my ec problem-set, too, or I'll kick you in the balls.
You say: "Sure."
You mean: I-bankers can be finnicky. Society will be better served if you refine your blow-job techniques.
She says: "I love to explore the city."
She means: I love eating at new restaurants that I can't afford.
You say: "Great. There is a new place in SouthEast."
You mean: It will be cheaper to get mugged in the alley.
She says: "I love my two-year-old nephew."
She means: My ovaries are clocking over-time.
You say: "He's really cute."
You mean: The net-present inflation-adjusted cost of a child (excluding negative social externalities) is slightly less than the national debt of Mozambique before they floated their currency.
She says: "Boys will be boys."
She means: Men smell like horses, but they have smaller cocks, and they won't eat out of my hand.
You say: "Your fat ass is blocking the television"
You mean: Your fat ass is blocking the television.
She says: "Thanks for your message but I've met somebody else and I want to see how it turns out."
She means: If I could press a button to kill you instantly and nobody knew I did it I would.
You say: "Honey, I'm having some problems at work, I may be here awhile."
You mean: I am paying $24.95 a month for this dating service. If I have to fuck the fat girl who wants to take riding lessons, so be it, but I will get my money's worth one way or the other.
She says: "Just be yourself."
She means: Nobody will ever steal my little boy if he still dresses like a 12 year old.
You say: "Okay, mom."
You mean: Please don't forget that I like Skippy Smooth a lot better than that organic stuff you make yourself.
She says: "What a cute puppy."
She means: I would settle for a gay-boy like you if we could have cute babies and live in your brownstone.
You say: "His name is Rocky. He's a very good boy."
You mean: In six weeks I will have him trained to lick my balls on command. You will never do that.
She says: "Watch my place in line, I'll be right back."
She means: I have large mammary glands so I don't have to stand here like everyone else.
You say: "Sure, no problem."
You mean: When you return I will require you to get back in line behind me so I can casually caress your nipples with my shoulder blades.
She says: "Buy me a drink."
She means: You are a poor excuse for a man.
You say: "Bartender, bring me a scotch on the rocks. And a Shirley Temple for the lady."
You mean: I would rather give head to your mother.
She says: "Abortion is homocide."
She means: I was raped by my born-again step-father in a trailer in West Texas after church and gave birth to my brother-in-law who is now a leading Republican Congressman.
You say: "Too bad."
You mean: This country is going to hell.
She says: "I am a lesbian."
She means: I am the over-privileged daughter of wealthy liberal parents who understand that I'm just going through a phase. You would have been perfect for me six weeks ago.
You say: "Really."
You mean: You have a weird face but if you kissed a girl I'd probably do you.
She says: "Do you have a light."
She means: You are so hot I want to set myself on fire.
You say: "Um, uh, I don't think so, no."
You mean: I am so fucking sexually repressed that if you pulled your pants down right now I would cry.
She says: "Um, do you know how to get to the library?"
She means: I am licking my lips and playing with my hair to give you a hard-on.
You say: "It's right here."
You mean: In my pants.
She says: "My boyfriend is shopping his novel around so I decided to take this writing class -- but it's not about him."
She means: He will never get published so I'm looking for an upgrade.
You say: "I'm writing a novel about a misunderstood man who experiences a sense of alienation from the world."
You mean: You've got a very pretty face but you'd hate me.
She says: "My lesbian friend said never date women. What do you think?"
She means: You are slim, single, and over 30, and you dress very well. Aren't you gay?
You say: "I agree."
You mean: You're nice, but you are too fat to introduce to my friends.
She says: "I had four kids with my ex, all by c-section."
She means: I am 45 and I haven't had sex in three years, but my pussy is tight as a drum.
You say: "Wow."
You mean: I would like to fuck you right now but I find your fecundity frightening.
She says: "I'm really a bitch."
She means: I will treat you badly but I will make up for it in bed.
You say: "Let's go."
You mean: Now.