Letters to the Editor
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AKA Smith, Nagging IS a form of abuse
While not all nagging falls into this severe category, make no mistake, nagging can be a form of verbal and emotional abuse, indicative of a controlling dominating personality.
Likewise, another typically "female" strategy is the silent treatment as well as the withholding of affection and sex. These too are forms of verbal and emotional and mental abuse.
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Nagging can sometimes be a form of abuse. Let's solve the problem right now.
Example #1
"Dear, you said you were going to fix the sink this weekend."
"Dear, you said you were going to fix the sink last weekend."
"Dear, you said you were going to fix the sink last month."
Solution to nagging: "Dear, since you didn't get around to the sink, I called the plumber. The bill is $330."
As you see, nagging can be unnecessary. I tell all my women friends who complain about the things their husband's don't do to just hire it done if they are not able to do it themselves.
Example #2
Poor communication via nagging:
"This is your weekend to do the laundry."
"Are you going to do the laundry?"
"It is 10pm on a Sunday night. What about the laundry?"
Better conversation:
Him: "Why don't I have any clean underwear?"
Her: "I don't know. Did you wash any?"
Him: "How come you have clean underwear?"
Her: "I washed mine."
Him: "Didn't you wash any of mine."
Her: "It wasn't my responsibility."
I agree. Nagging can sometimes be abusive. Moreover, it is a waste of time and energy for the nagger. That is why I never nag. I like my solutions much better, don't you?
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women can't hide their disinterest as well as men can?
Uh...I spent a year listening to someone talk about a.) insurance claims and b.) electric guitar solos. Neither of which I have any interest in (unless of course the insurance claim was MINE).
Interested in the person? Yes. Interested in what he talked, talked, talked about? HELL NO! He was quite upset to find this out, too.
Sorry. Men don't have a monopoly on patiently listening to Chatty Cathys (or Chatty Carls, as the case may be).
We just call it "nodding and smiling and letting you think you're right."
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i agree with you about nagging, if people can't come to an agreement and stick to it without nagging then they can handle things seperately
do their own laundry, pay to fix things, (with their own money or money voluntarily pooled, although the shared pool might tend to shrink if these disagreements happen frequently) where it gets tricky though is when things can't be split, like kids.
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women CAN and in the days of being dependent on men commonly did hide their disinterest
now though they have less reason than men to bother.
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"where it gets tricky though is when things can't be split, like kids"
How did we get from nagging to children?
Are we talking about responsibilities for the care of the children? Clearly, early on they cannot care for themselves.
I guess that puzzles me a bit because no one ever had to nag me to care for my daughter. I loved spending time with her and I did not mind the more chore-like aspects of caring for her, although when my health was bad it was more difficult.
I am probably not the best person to give thought to this. My daughter and I were on our own from the time she was three. No child support was forthcoming after she was five and I did not go to court to resolve the problem.
I really don't get it when people don't want to take care of their children. The most cherished memories of my life involve my child. Maybe my thinking is colored by the fact that she was planned and very much desired. She was an absolute joy to parent. (Except for one minor marijuana incident.)
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because it's a subject where there is no very effective way that I can see to stop talking when you can't agree
assuming there is continuing involvement by both people which may be one reason why there sometimes isn't.
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I'm not suggesting that it is the only or the most common reason why parents split up
however. I just mean that when a couple doesn't have kids they can handle or do things separately when they can't agree but when it comes to kids that is much harder to do
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You know when I was a CASA, most fathers in the cases were nowhere around.
Also, most cases involved the poor or the working poor. Usually it was a matter of the father's disinterest. Or it may have simply been poverty. It is hard to say. With the group I was with, we avoided divorce cases. Those are usually ordered to mediation by the courts if people cannot agree.
As I think of more solvent working class divorced people and middle class divorced people that I knew in my social life, things did seem to break down for children and parents based more upon financial necessity or remarriage that required relocation. It seems to me that couples often agreed to joint custody but, when that changed, it did not usually seem to change because one parent did not want the other involved. It usually revolves around practical issues. People have to make a living. They have to move on with their lives.
I've had four women friends whose sons lived with them until they (the sons) were about ten and then they wanted to go live with their fathers. Usually these women were pretty broken-hearted but they accepted the change. I have also known of teenagers who played both parents off against each other with great glee. Mostly, unless there was abuse involved, these parents still made serious efforts to keep communicating for the sake of the children. They probably did a better job of this once divorced than they did when they were married.
Only very selfish or troubled people don't care about what is best for their children.
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Only very selfish or troubled people don't care about what is best for their children.
Yeah, no shit. Tell it to Broadsheet and NOW as they lobby again to keep fathers from the children. http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=895
Also, so the sink is clogged, and you think the only solution is:
a) Get your husband who is not a plumber to fix it
b) Call a plumber who is an expert to fix it.
Are you forgetting another solution, Ms. Women can do anything a man can do?
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News Flash: lots of women can repair plumbing problems.
Um...if your reading comprehension were a bit better, you might have noted the qualifier "if they are not able to do it themselves" in AKA Smith's comment. Operative word being "if." I'm a woman, and, hard as it may be for you to wrap your mind around, I'm pretty good at dealing with plumbing. I have learned how to do wiring, plumbing, and all kinds of carpentry over the years, as I have worked on various building projects. I have quite a few female friends who are just as handy as I am, or even more so.
Actually, I was surprised to learn how relatively simple plumbing is to understand and work on. Not hard at all, nor mysterious in the least, as some men like to make it out to be. A little tricky to get right sometimes, but very straightforward and doable.