Letters to the Editor
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re: Anonymous
Okay, let me get this straight.
You think that if a woman goes to a guy and mentions that the plumbing is broken, and he says, "No problem, I'll fix it, don't hire someone," but then he doesn't fix it...
She should fix it herself, and it's her damn fault in some way.
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No Allie, read the original example
I think that instead of nagging a person who is not an expert at this three times, and then assuming your only choice is to pay someone $300 to do it, and then going back to that person with a snide, I just paid someone $300 to do it, I think there are lots of alternatives, including,
communicating and negotiating what the issues are and the priorities
seeing if there is some cooperative way to change the priorities
discussing the finances and the issue of the $300 payment and seeing if that is agreeable to both parties
and if it is not, since he knows little more than you do about it, you can either a) change your budget to pay for the repair, or b) pick up the damn plumbers wrench and get the job done.
I suspect if you do it the right way, there will be no problems for anyone and in fact, a better relationship and some welcome thank yous all around.
AKA posited the choices were:
A) NAG SOMEONE THAT IS NOT AN EXPERT
B) JUST DO IT YOURSELF OR MAKE THE UNILATERAL DECISION YOU NEED TO PAY SOMEONE TO GET IT DONE
And then she remarked what a wonderful communicator she is.
You women are soo sensitive and such good collaborative communicators!
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I call bullshit
That is exactly what he said, no twisting allowed.
This is what it must be like living with Dick Cheney - "I'm going to accuse you preemptively of whatever tactic I plan to use myself."
Sorry, not gonna buy it. That's the classic sociopathic tactic - appeal to my conscience, knowing that a person with a conscience feels bad when accused of wrongdoing even when innocent.
I'd say, "Shame on you," back, but it's clear you have no shame.
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you were responding to deering
And deering's example was a man who considers himself an expert and has volunteered to do it.
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See, this is brightstar in a nutshell...
>So - let's make this perfectly clear - you think women should have sex with you, and if they don't want to, it's not fair.<
Yup. As has been noted here before, brightstar (and Ben Dover) is one of those guys who hate women too much to see them as individuals. Women are there to boost his ego and meet his needs, period. Who they are outside of what he wants them to be is irrelevant. In fact, if they turn out to not be what he's imagining, that's good too, because that give him yet another excuse to hate women in general. For example, if a woman is pretty, she should date him. Makes no difference if she's a high-maintenance bitch or difficult--she makes him look good, and that's all that matters right then. When she turns out to be a bitch, well, then, he has an excuse to whine that all women are just like her. Of course, this means no woman will ever be acceptable to him unless she's a robot programmed to his specifications. But that might just be the way he likes it--but can't admit that to himself as yet...:)>
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I'm right you're wrong period
nice work if you can get it.
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Jeez, reading comprehension, eh?
>"There are some domains that guys think are their own..."
Blah blah blah. Because there are no domains that females think are their own and that guys better not touch.<
This is what I _actually_ said...
>Look, there are men who regard house repair as "their" domain, much as there are women who regard cleaning as "their" exclusive thing. Said men want to do all the repairing themselves--or they think doing it themselves is cheaper.<
Did I say "all" guys? Did I not mention that there are women who regard some domains as theirs? You have a nerve putting words in my mouth and saying what I did not say.
>DO IT YOURSELF. Find the Dummy's Guide to plumbing. Put on your Josephine overalls. Fix it yourself.<
And as soon as a woman would do that, the guy in question would say she's doing it all "wrong;" would get angry and ask why she just can't wait till he fixes it--and would find five thousand reasons (again) why the problem can't be solved. No matter what a woman would do in a circumstance like that, the guy would always find a reason to drag his feet. I know a couple like this, and I've seen how this stuff plays out. It is frustrating as hell to deal with because no matter what anyone does to solve the problem, the guy in the case only wants to do it his way, no matter how much trouble, inconvenience, and expense it causes.
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back to the subject
All right, how exactly do you feel that "accommodating men's needs" should be interpreted?
I love the way that when anyone pushes you into a corner with logic and reasoning, you change the subject.
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and
In every example given, the man made a promise to do something.
How can his giving a promise and failing to keep it be blamed on the person to whom he made the promise? Couldn't he - here's a thought - have communicated, instead of making and then breaking a promise? Said, "I don't know how to fix a sink, you do it? I don't have time, do it yourself?" or even "I'm too lazy to fix the sink, and besides you're the one who uses it so it doesn't inconvenience me, so fix it yourself?"
Or is communication only required from women?
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Okay...
>I think that instead of nagging a person who is not an expert at this three times,<
1) The guy thinks he's an expert--or does know what he's doing. But he's _not_ fixing the problem. If he doesn't want to do it, why doesn't he just say so the first time you bring it up?
>and then assuming your only choice is to pay someone $300 to do it,<
If you've asked the guy three times and he won't do it, what _should_ you do? If the sink is clogged up and you can't wash the dishes or run the dishwasher or the washing machine and work is piling up, what _should_ you do?
>communicating and negotiating what the issues are and the priorities<
Why shouldn't the guy say upfront, "I don't want to fix this?"
>seeing if there is some cooperative way to change the priorities<
When something is broken to the point it's interfering with the house functioning, _that_ is a priority.
>discussing the finances and the issue of the $300 payment and seeing if that is agreeable to both parties<
But, see, a guy with this kind of head does _not_ want to discuss squat. He wants to do the repairs himself when he feels like it--not when it needs to be done.
>and if it is not, since he knows little more than you do about it, you can either a) change your budget to pay for the repair, or b) pick up the damn plumbers wrench and get the job done.<
Fine. But said guy has no frickin' right to 1) sulk; 2) bitch about the cost; 3) pull some passive-aggressive crap thereafter. I have no beef with any person who doesn't want to do repairs. But that person shouldn't prevent the other person from getting the job done. You can't have it both ways, and people who are perfectionists about repairs or cleaning always want it both ways--which means nothing gets done unless they compromise or you force the issue.