her use of the work grok seems correct.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grok

Also, people who know something about domestic violence are not of a hive mind on the issue. We get to have differences. You can ask both "Why does she stay?" and "Why does he hit her" at the same time.

Because the behaviors of some of us are not easily comprehensible to others of us does not imply a lack of sympathy. I believe the question "Why does she/he stay?" is a truly legitimate one to ask in order to try to figure out how to solve the problem of domestic violence. After all, the abuser can't the victim if the victim is not there.

As to the very real, scary, and sometimes life-taking violence that occurs when women do try to get free, I concur that our laws and public attitudes do not do nearly enough to help victims be safe. Orders of protection are really useless against someone determined to kill you.

I can think of several practical ways to keep victims safer who have truly determined to leave. One way would be to recognize that domestic violence is not just a threat to the victim but also a threat to the community. Neighbors can be drawn in, bystanders can be shot, other family members who try to intervene are at risk, and the children in these families ARE in an abusive situation. The couple could be ordered to stay away from each other until both achieved a satisfactory result in therapy.

Futhermore, when women try to get away, is the state doing all it can to facilitate the exit. Hardly. Courts can still order the couple to remain involved with each other despite the risk to victim through a court mandated visitation order so that the victim is still tied to the abuser through their mutual children.

As far as I am concerned, if there is spousal abuse and there are children involved, witnessing the spousal abuse is a form of abuse for those children. Getting stronger criminal penalties against abusers provides the leverage to force them into treatment. If not treatment, then prison!

As many of the letters have stated, when you are in an abusive relationship it is not all cut and dry. It takes guts to confront what is happening to you physically and emotionally. I can say this because I was in an abusive relationship some 18 years ago with the father of my children. When you find yourself in that situation it is not always easy to leave. You have been accused (in my case) of being a slut, whore, stupid and also told that no one wants you, you should be glad you have me. You have been monitored – miles you put on the car, time you spent at the grocery store, etc. and anything out of the norm is an excuse to accuse you… I found myself alone in a town with no family; no friends and my neighbors heard/saw everything and said hey sorry we can't help you. If you leave we have to still live next door to the jerk. It also did not help that I brought up as a child to think that people who had this kind of thing happen to them were kind of trashy, (my mothers thoughts on this whole issue) so I harbored this feeling of shame that went along with it…. So you find yourself alone, scared, no place to turn, no place to go and you have two babies to take care of.

It did not hit me that I HAD TO LEAVE or I was going to die until one day when I got off of work, headed to the baby sitters house and my children were not there. My x-husband had picked up my 2 children earlier (which he never did) and had taken them to his mothers. I went to his mother's house and she said I should go home, he wanted to talk to me, and he had made me a nice dinner for me. I knew that this was weird and something was wrong so I told her no, I was not going home that I would stay at her house and if he wanted to talk he would have to come there. To make a long story short later that night he got drunk (his favorite past time) and beat chunks out of a tree in our front yard. Needless to say that beating was intended for me. I never returned home, I called my parents and moved out with my babies a week later. I was then forced to realize that the happy family and white picket fence would never exist with this guy. He was damaged and there was nothing I could do to change this.

I now fast forward my life 16 years and after many sessions of therapy and paying my own way through school with two little kids my life has made a 360 degree change.

Do some of the women/men a favor that have been abused and ask your self, what can I do to help out at a community shelter. How can I reach out and educate my community about abuse, instead of asking the question why do they stay???….

Get your head out of your a**.

I wanted to know more about how the danger of abusers are assessed. It seems that police departments have done (and are still doing) quite a bit of research on this because they are on the front lines of having to deal personally with abusers every day.

Summarizing what I found out:

The first and most important thing is the recidivism rate. Few crimes have such recidivism. So if an abuser hits you, you can bet it will happen again. Also, guys who show a propensity to violate conditions of parole and court orders are more likely to escalate abuse.

Which brings us to escalation itself. If it is getting worse, it is going to get worse still.

Among other behaviors that dangerous abusers show are a propensity to child abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, other altercations with the law, possessiveness and jealousy and monitoring, and threats of suicide by the abuser.

Dangerous offenders often have a juvenile record.

Abusers who show a willingness to sexually coerce, use weapons, or abuse by strangling are more likely to kill.

However, of the guys that actually kill, it seems that psychopathy is a really BIG factor. In their own modest way, psychopaths are the world's biggest control freaks.

So why do I bother with this summary? Maybe someone will see it and it will help that person see that leaving is truly the best option.

How you do it, when you do it, -- that is all strategy. Giving up your job, your children's schools, your home, even your identity is NOTHING compared to being dead.

Oh yes, it does happen in "nice" families as well. One reason we don't hear about it so much then is that so-called "nice" families tend to have more financial resources.