I worked in child protection for 30+ years and worked with many families with domestic violence issues and frankly I was one of those "I'd never let a man hit me" and "Why doesn't she just leave" folks.

Then the man I was involved with for 15 years, a viet vet with problems started spirally out of control after 9/11. His heavy drinking became out of control alcoholism. His temper became erratic. At times, he was emotionally abusive and hateful.

Things kept getting worse and worse. There was a shove, something thrown in my face, a slap. I started Al-Anon.

By this time, he was living with me because he was effectively homeless. My friends all said "Get his sorry ass out! And get a restraining order!". I felt responsible for him and his situation. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless.

And I also knew that if I threw him out, restraining order or not, that he very well might kill me. From my work, I knew that most women who were killed by an intimate partner died AFTER they took decisive action to leave the relationship. Restraining orders only work if someone decides to follow them If a man is out to kill, he doesn't give a damn about a piece of paper. This guy was a sharpshooter in the military and was still an excellent shot.

My sponsor said "When you are ready, you will do what you need to do." Twelve hours later, after he woke me up to harange me about not every having served in combat, I left and had the police remove him from my home.

I felt I was dying slowly with him and I took decisive action only when I realized that I would prefer to have him kill me quickly than to continue to die slowly with him in my life.

So, I understand. . . .

I don't think we will ever find the one single thing that causes victims to stay with abusers or abusers to abuse.

To provide an example of an abuser that was not really very interested in his wife, I will recount this:

A couple I knew in which the wife worked and the husband rarely worked. He was financially dependent upon her. There, for the most part, his interest ended. He was exactly the sort of guy we think about when we want to conjure some sort of male bogey man, the sort we warn our daughters to beware of. He drank, he raped, he screwed around, he had a regular mistress, and he once took his 4 year old daughter to a whore house while his wife was waiting at the hospital to be picked up with their new baby.

Occasionally, he battered his wife. She was not stupid. She was quite intelligent. He, however, wasn't neither smart nor pretty. He'd been in so many bar fights that one eye was askew from the other and his nose was on one side of his face. Mean, ugly guy.

"Why do you stay with him?" I had to ask. Her answer was (paraphrasing), "I have never been slim. In high school, I was the pudgy girl with the nice singing voice. Now I am a fat woman. Who would have me but him?"

Talk about low self-esteem!

He really only hit her to control her. She was his meal ticket. He also informed her that he was going to keep screwing around because "that is what men do."

Why? Anonymous, please tell me why you felt responsible. I am trying to understand. Was he like a child to you?

Ms. Lloyd,

Your lack of empathy and understanding about this issue is disturbing. Since you or a loved one has never been in a domestic violence situation I realize it’s difficult for you to walk in somebody else’s shoes, but in your article there is a huge disconnect from reality that is only emphasized by your condescending tone. I'm currently interning at a domestic violence shelter that provides safety and support for women and their children from abusers. I myself am not a survivor of domestic violence and I admit it is frustrating when women go back because you are scared for them. However, I have come to understand how communities as a whole, from family members to friends to law enforcement to the entire judicial and social service system can work against a woman in her efforts to escape, not to mention how much control batterers exert over their lives. Since you don't understand why they return, you cannot understand the strength that these women possess. Ms. Lloyd, you have lost my respect due to your ignorance and insensitivity on this issue. I would challenge you to stop blogging about something you don't know much about and devote time to working with women who are in domestic violence situations, but honestly I think your sense of superiority would do them more harm then good.

-Kaitlin B.

For one thing, the men in these relationships are not just abusers; they're complex humans who are also at times charming, warm, loving, or funny.

Right, I understand, the same was true about my father. He even had a moral side. He was his union shop steward and he cared about social justice and worker's rights.

It was probably WWII that screwed him up and made him crazy. He was a Marine in the Pacific. His best friend was killed right in front of him.

But -- bottom line -- the reason why my mother's attempt to leave him and start a new life failed was because he was crazy enough to resort to blackmail and kidnapping in order to get her back.

And it was a big factor that the laws did not support her back then. Despite the fact that he broke her ribs, lacerated her liver, broke her jaw and punctured her lung, the police told her his abuse was not a criminal matter, it was a civil matter.

I was there as a child -- I heard the policeman say that. It's a civil matter, ma'am. We can't do anything about it.

And there was no way to get my brother away from him.

The miliary didn't back her up either. Her injuries were treated at the military hospital at the Presidio. I'll bet they treated a lot of wives back then for those kinds of injuries.

Things are so much better now. Today he would be in prison for doing the things he did back then.

Sure, they're complex human beings.

So was Ted Bundy.