I somehow posted this above comment (#83) to the wrong column. Please ignore it.

I find it interesting lately that whenever the subject of domestic violence comes up, I see a lot of very bitter comments by men about how violent and abusive women are, how they don't have equal access to shelters and no one takes their suffering seriously, how feminists have essentially taken over America and so on.

I guess I didn't get the memo. If we've taken over America and now run everything and have placed all men in a downtrodden state, why don't we make as much money as men? I guess we must just be lazy bitches. I guess that also explains why we have fewer representatives in government, why we have to even ask the question whether a woman could be elected president, and why we're still the ones who are blamed if our family homes are not spotless.

When I worked at a college women's center men used to complain to us that they had no center of their own. Actually there was money set aside for men's services--but no one came forward to claim it and create a center, even though we always told the complainers about it.

I think the same dynamic is involved with domestic violence and male victims. Instead of championing their needs and creating a host of shelters and services, why not bitch (no pun intended) about women having some special priority and shelters of their own because they worked hard to create them!?

These women's shelters, by the way, almost always have a waiting list of women and children needing to escape the violence of their male partners. Last summer my daughter left her abusive husband and came to our apartment. When she called the shelter (because we weren't allowed to have long term guests) they told her if she was somewhere safe for the moment they couldn't help her because they had a waiting list. We eventually got evicted over offering her shelter. (Fortunately she now has a small apartment and works every night delivering newspapers. Hard but she's free of violence.)

Yes of course all women are not angels and some are abusive and even homicidal, and they should be treated the same under our court system. Yes of course men should have shelters (I don't think it works for them to share the same ones, imagine the abuser entering the shelter with his abused wife)! So go create them!

As for not overloading our prison system, if we'd change the archaic drug laws and legalize some of the less damaging drugs, tax the hell out of them (which wouldn't make them any more expensive than they are now), and empty our prisons of the drug offenders who just end up getting a free criminal tuition behind bars, we ought to have the money to really focus on incarcerating violent people who demonstrate that they cannot and will not do what it takes to change.

As for women like Andrea Yates, she did not "get off free," she is getting the mental health treatment she needed all along and will likely be in an institution for all or most of her life. Her actions did not take place after years of violent behavior, they were obviously an aberration brought on by mental illness. If her husband had similarly suffered a psychotic break, I'd hope to see him treated the same way by the justice system.

A lot has been said about women being the primary abusers of children--well yes, they are also the primary caretakers, regardless of their propensity or inclination or mental fitness to be so. If children were cared for equally by men and women, one wonders what the statistics would be. In any event, citing some women's abuse of children does not in any way diminish the need to protect some women and children from men. It just means that child abuse also needs to be a major concern of our society and far more resources need to be made available to deal with any and all forms of domestic violence.

Why are we not teaching assertive, non-manipulative communication and good parenting techniques in our schools? Why do we expect people to become parents without any training? Isn't it one of the most important jobs we'll ever do?

No one, man woman or child, deserves to be verbally, emotionally, or physically abused. Our society needs to do a lot more and if we are all so concerned and want to gripe about it, why don't we spend some of this energy at least writing to our political representatives and demanding more funding, more research, and more action? Demand an overhaul of the justice system! Do something! Raise funds for men's shelters! Volunteer in one! Don't just sit around and complain!

And finally, there are happy endings for abused women. Some of us, like myself, go on to have healthy marriages to good men. There is hope! I left years ago and put myself through college. Yes we struggled financially but we lived in peace, and there is no price I wouldn't pay for that. AI also didn't forget my sisters--I volunteered at a shelter and on a crisis hotline. Give back, pay it forward. Take responsibility, and be a role model.

--Been There, Burned the T Shirt, and Moved On

Interest in this thread has clearly died. Even the guy who wrote the book did not come back and answer questions as promised. On impulse, I checked back here.

I just want you to know that your letter is one of the best I have ever read at Salon. It is logical, well-reasoned, and balanced while being a clear call to action for readers. I want to thank you for the pleasure and the meaning I gained from reading it. I know it is too late for it to get the red star it so richly deserves. I just want you to know that my thought is that the red star would be too little. Your words deserve gold.