Letters to the Editor
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Housework
"What strikes me is other posters comparing what used to be normal wife roles- cooking, taking care of children, washing stuff- taking care of the home as some sort of slave-like tasks."
No, they aren't slave like tasks, but they can feel slave like if you are expected to do them merely because of your gender.
Its very rare to find a couple that actually shares equally, even when both the husband and wife work full time. I feel that a lot of men I've known resent doing any housework at all. Most men I've known who complain about girlfriends or wives who don't do housework are usually just mad that their significant others don't do all of it. Now, that may not be true of people posting here, I don't know you all. I'm just speaking from my personal experience.
My husband and I share very equally, but people act as if he's doing all of it just because he does half (a lot of which is cooking). But I do the laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, and much of the cleaning up. In addition, I have the higher paid job, and provide the benefits for our family. But people act like my husband is some kind of saint, and talk as if I'm being waited on hand and foot because he does some of the housework. My husband will even correct people and say, in fact, we divide it equally, and we're more reliant on my paid work. But again, most people act as if I'm some kind of spoiled woman because my husband shares equally and doesn't complain.
I do resent hearing men say all they want is someone who will take care of the house. Why should the wife automatically do that? Obviously, someone has to. If I worked part-time, or if I become a stay-at-home mom some day, yeah, of course I'd do more housework. Or, when my husband was taking a class, in addition to working full time, I did well over half the housework because he was busier. Just like my husband did more when he was unemployed for awhile. But my husband didn't get married because he needed soemone to take care of him. He got married to have a life companion. Yes, we take care of each other when one or the other is sick, and take care of our household together. But I'm not going to do the lion's share of the housework because I'm a wife, and its somehow my role. We'll work out those duties between ourselves as we see fit.
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When i say no domestic skills, i mean NO domestic skills
To clarify, I would have been glad to do the cooking all the time, and even the grocery shopping (it makes sense if youre cooking it to buy it- and i do this anyway) its just that i was getting NOTHING in return- she tried to clean up but did an awful job of it. Sounds alot like the reverse of what you would expect from a male female relationship, but i swear i have experienced it repeatedly. Importantly, we werent living together, i was not in LOVE with her, perhaps if i was, other arrangements could have been worked out. I also earn alot more than her and am considerably busier in general. Theres a reason why we're not together, i guess.
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Stereotypes of American Women
I find it disturbing how broad a brush some of these "bitter men" (to quote cosmic mojo) use to paint their image of American women. The sheer diversity present in the U.S. should preclude making any sweeping statements about American women as a group. And as Felicity points out, many young women experience rejection or don't feel comfortable with the dating scene either. These stereotypes about women who only care about money, who have a sense of entitlement, who reject men hand over fist for small things, just don't describe any women that I know and, on the contrary, do them a great disservice. I'm sure there are a few women who are like this, just as there are some men who are like this. But stereotypes almost always conceal or distort a much more complicated reality. If every woman in your life has disappointed you, you are either exceedingly unlucky or the problem is you, not those women.
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Amen sistah!
<<Rebbeca Hartong wrote:
What a shame that this interesting and well-written review has been published on the salon's idiotic "Broadsheet" -- instead of on the site's front page where it belongs.>>
Notice RT's embarrassing (embarrassing for me that I still come to this site, that is) article on Madonna made the front page. It's like the world has turned upside down!
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And then there's...
...the old (2002) article from Arena magazine where writer David Benioff went undercover with the Romance Tour arranged by loveme.com where these guys are going to the Ukraine because American women are too selfish, expensive, insecure, demanding, greedy, hateful and fat. sample conversation:
"I've already gotten with four girls"
"Doesn't count, they were whores."
"Only two of them were whores."
"All women are whores. Some you pay up front, some you pay on the installment plan, but all women are whores."
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Stereotypes of American Women
are usually true. That is why they are called stereotypes! There is no benefit to a man marrying.
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Advice to Mr. ThinkingAboutRussia
"A lot of us good guys are really lonely, girls. I'm an introverted type, but I make the effort to step outside of myself, and I've learned to talk to people. I try hard to be friendly, open, available, charming. I'm not pushy at all. I'm a fairly attractive guy."
As one introverted person to another, it's not easy for us women either! That forced smile or grimace probably isn't directed to you, but is a defense mechanism. From personal experience I'd learned that talking to strangers can end up badly, sometimes it's the crazy drunk guy that won't stop trying to slur something at you, or it's the seemingly nice guy that you meet but then won't back off and gets really angry and violent when you try to leave. Or it's because you've had some guy come up and be all nice to you, but then he just doing it to get laid or it's a dare between him and his guy friends. Or worst of all it's the much much much older guy that you think is nice because he's talking about how proud he and his wife is of their daughter graduating from college and then next thing you know his hand is on your knee travelling up your leg. Yeah, after a few experiences like this you get wary and defensive.
"So, okay, maybe it's just me. Obviously, I am doing something wrong (not sarcastic). I can point out some things. I'm not a great dresser. Computer programmer isn't a very glamorous job, although it does pay pretty well."
When I was dating, I made sure I was nicely groomed...makeup, shaven legs, nice outfit, hair all done, etc. Let's be frank, appearance counts on both sides. So yes, you need to dress nic(er), shower and brush your teeth. I'm a computer programmer also I know it's not impossible to write code and to pick out a clean shirt! If you don't have good dress skills, go to the men's section of any large department store and someone will be able to help you.
"But look, I'm not the only one. I've got several guy friends who just don't ever get any action. Successful, nice guys, who really do finish last. No way am I gonna put the blame on you ladies for this, but can you blame us for thinking it may be a cultural thing? And that maybe, just maybe, women of other cultures might appreciate us for the stable, decent guys we are?"
Hey, I married one of those nice guys, so I can tell you that it's not an impossibility. Plus the majority of my male programmer friends all got married to nice girls, and way before I found my husband. So I don't want to hear that it's just a guy problem, there are lots of 30-something women out there wondering if they should just give up and pick up a load of cats from the local SPCA.
You bring up the bar issue, and I agree, it's almost impossible to meet a person at a bar, especially if you are by yourself. Women of our age have been told again and again to watch out for predators and to be careful about "taking candy from strangers". So what you need to do is build up "references" that means finding dating options through your existing social network. If you only hang around with single guys without female friends, you aren't going to get anywhere. Find some guy friends with girlfriends (or wives), then you get to meet women through them and then you aren't some stranger in a bar, you are so-and-so's friend from the office/gym/religious establishment. When you are out at party or a club, don't just be there because you are looking for a girlfriend, be there to have fun. Most people want to hang out with the people having a good time, not the guy sitting glumly in the corner. And you don't need to completely change your personality, but like with any social outing you will need to do the stupid small talk thing, and stay away from things like:
--how much your life sucks
--your pyscho ex
--conspiracy theories
--your porn collection
--how nice guys always finish last
It's incredibly hard to date nowadays, but it can be done. And it does have it's upsides, that joyous feeling of having met someone new and all the possibilities that it brings. The funny stories about the crazy weirdos that you end up meeting. The bonding with your friends over never finding the "one" and running off together to join a convent.(Okay, you probably won't have that one). But wouldn't you rather want to be with someone that loves you for being you instead of a green card? If you think it's just an American problem, then by all means, go to new country and try to date someone there, maybe you will have better luck, you will have the cachet of being foreign, which does help(only in some cases since I'm assuming you are American) But please don't buy someone, you seem like too nice of a guy for that!
"Constructive advice welcome."
Constructive advice given.