Letters to the Editor
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I am asking that time honored question: What Do Men Want?
Actually, I was asking quite seriously. And I was asking Rob in particular. This is because I hear this lament often and only from American men. Not in particular from European men, including Western European men, including European men who date American women!
A perhaps small but sizable proportion of American men think a) American women don't want them and 2) American women have all the power in relationships. Being an American woman myself, I find this really bizzare because it doesn't reflect *my* experience... I have wanted plenty of Americans in my time, and if I had all the power I certainly didn't notice.
But nonetheless, that's what I'm hearing. And almost exclusively from my countrymen.
I do say this: I find it hard to date a lot of American men because there is so much free-floating resentment out there. The chip on their shoulders of past rejections and relationship failures - to say nothing of hostility towards All of Feminism - is just too much weight to carry. Guys from other countries are not perfect, but they're just less angry about the whole boy-girl thing.
So what gives?
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Anna What Men Want.
Just so you know, women do hold the power in relationships, I do not think that is uniquely American, but it is true in America as much as anywhere else.
Unless you are a rapist or a frequenter of prostitutes, the ability of a man to have sex with a woman is based solely on a man's ability to prove himself "spongeworthy" if you will.
Likewise, as it is usually the man who initiates any romantic interaction it is always the woman who has the right of first refusal. If a woman does not agree to let you buy her a drink, then there will be no relationship.
This is not to blame women, or state that they have it so much better then men, but from a man's point of view, they are always the pursuers and never the perused. Even in gay bars. You have no idea the sorrow some men may feel after going a gay bar and realizing no one is interested in buying them a drink.
Now from the feminine point of view, obviously, the opposite problem is true. They feel powerless because they can't "just go up to a guy and buy him a drink" although I have always disagreed with such a notion, many women hold it to be gospel. So essentially what you have is a select group of the most desirable members of the sexes competing for each other's attention.
Beautiful women get hit on by average guys, and rejecting them, and handsome men passing up average women to hit on the beautiful ones.
I have always said it is a few idiots who ruin relationships for everyone. Women get passed up by handsome men, and they see all men as superficial jerks only interested in perfect bodies. Men get rejected by beautiful women, and they then see all women as only interested in millionaire investment bankers with perfect bodies.
The obvious way to solve this is for everyone to lower their standards. Sure we all want Brad Pitt to hit on us, or to be accepted by Halle Berry, but really, who do we think we are?
Average women, the next time you see a shlubby guy, buy him a drink. And Average Fellas, the next time you see a pretty girl, offer to buy her best friend a drink instead.
You'll both be glad you did.
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Now I get it.
Reading diligently only for a short while, I was never quite sure why so many posters loathed and disrespected LeCastor until this.
"do you mean the investment bank where i work, or my upper east side apartment?"
What an arrogant, bitchy thing to say. No reason, no intelligence, just 100% self congratulatory put down. So sad. I wanted her to be smart, thoughtful and interesting.
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Wonder Woman
Her comment might have been snide, but did you *see* what she was responding to? Parson Jim has been unconscionably insulting to her.
Parson Jim, please, please stop saying stuff like that. It just makes this place so nasty. If you take issue with something LeCastor says, please respond to her without using cruel slurs. The thing is, you often have interesting things to say and yet you finish up your posts with something mean and unnecessary that ends up negating a valid point.
Please just stop.
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I'm an American woman, and I've never cared how much $$$ a man has
For me, compatible personalities and mutual attraction have always been more important. Also having similar values and interests.
My boyfriend and I are very active in the anti-Iraq-war movement. He doesn't have a car, has a housemate, and sleeps on a futon instead of a bed. I love him.
I used to be active in dating services, and I quit because I found the dating scene too much like a job interview for my taste, and decided to meet men in more natural settings. While I was in this scene, I would see many American women trying to find sugar daddies.
Unlike these women, I know I have no chance attracting rich, powerful men. Many of these men are Republicans or Clintonian Democrats, and would consider me sort of freak because of my peacenik politics.
These types of men are simply out of my league. And I accept this. I still like my life anyway.
In many ways, I don't blame American men for also getting fed up with the dating scene and going to foreign countries to find an SO. Our society is so full of expectations that I myself feel inadequate to live up to, and now I only just don't bother to try, I don't want to. Life is too short.
Thank you for hearing me rant. Wishing you all the best,
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Re: Advice to the Lovelorn
Extra points for using "spongeworthy."
What you say, that women hold all the power, may be true in that most men *think* women have all the power.
But AT THE SAME TIME, most women are running around thinking that all men hold all the power! Really! That's what most women I talked to felt, and I sat around "waiting for him to call" most of my life.
Part of that tendency in men and women is youth, not having developed healthy self-esteem, letting other people define your worth, But, part is just a inner child wanting to be picked for the cool team. REmember that feeling in gym, waiting for the cool team to call out your name? Waiting... waiting.. waiting.
The point is, we all feel it at some time. It's not exclusive a guy thing or exclusivly a girl thing. It's life. scary, frustrating, unfair, yet wonderful and the only game we have going.
I could preach the same lecture to guys: stop going after the pin-up girls who put all their time, money and values into their supervicial appearance and give the plain Jane librarian a chance.
And hopefully, two "spongeworthy" people will find each other!