There are bigger fish to fry.

Let's get there, but let's pick our battles that are within reach.

Meanwhile let's live as if our gay friends who choose unions are married.

Soon.

I found Ford's article on Slate to be very interesting. I've always been a bit confused by those who I have met (friends or otherwise) who are not outwardly homophobic (have gay friends, support other civil protections, etc.), and yet still oppose gay marriage. When pushed on the matter, they never seem to be able to provide a valid justification and just fall back on "it just seems different". I appreciated the attempt to probe for the reasons for their hesitation.

I have to agree with the poster who said that the key to change is to live the truth day in and day out. It provides opportunities to start conversations that one would not otherwise have.

My mom is a very conservative woman. She is not a ditto-head, but in my view, takes some of her positions out of fear or lack of experience. She recently met a man who was the first openly gay person she had ever spoken to (she's 70). He is my sister's manager, and has befriended her socially and professionally. He also has a long time partner.

We got into a discussion of discrimination against gays, particularly around same-sex marriage. Although she was previously a passionate supporter of these bans, in this conversation, she had to allow that they were wrong, and expressed tentative support for a position similar to that taken with divorce. This would make state-sanctioned unions available to everyone, gay and straight. It would also allow some churches to choose not to provide religious marriage ceremonies for some couples.

It's not perfect, but it's a start. The more conversations that can be had across the coffee table rather than across the picket line,the more opportunity to really reach others. We each have more influence over those around us than folks like Karl Rove, if only we take the chance.

I don't know....the push to preserve traditional gender roles sounds like the feminists lock-step opposition to joint custody legislation for divorcing couples with children.

Bigots come from all sides of the ideoological spectrum.

Any heterosexual couple living together can file a joint tax return. In many states, this is the easiest way to establish proof of a common law marriage.

There is no bright side to bigotry, no matter how hard you look.

I wouldn't assume that liberals march lockstep for gay marriage - in fact, it's obvious that the left is split on gay marriage - as printed in the Times last week: even in liberal NYC, almost 35 percent of the population rejects gay marriage. In fact, if you look at the big names of the Democratic party, they all reject gay marriage, and poll after poll reveals deep splits: in MA, the only state that recognizes gay marriage, record numbers of voters signed petitions to get a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage - only parlimentary mechinations kept the vote from coming to the table -good thing: if it did, supporters of gay marriage predicted they would lose. Personally I'm neither for or against gay marriage - I think this is a concern of middle class whites - the same people who have health insurance and lawyers to secure the protections for their lovers and familes - for poor gays, I can't imagine this is a big issue because it does little to help their every-day lives and is probably seen as a symbolic victory - important in the abstract, but, aside from a few protections, accomplishing little. I think this is a loser of a political issue, alienating liberals who still respect the institution of marriage as between a man and a woman, and no amount of revealing the double standard of failed hetro marriages will change what many see as a basic definition of the family. I would much more respect a movement to get the government out of the marriage business all together, and instead grant tax benefits and protections to head of households - I envision that any two people could define themselves in this manner, but that, of course, would never appeal to the polygamists - and this I think is what really scares the masses: how far are we willing to go in defining a family?

These bans on same-sex marriage are remniscent of the bans on interracial marriage in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Whenever social change is imminent, reactionary idiots try to stop it. They always fail.

At first read, I scoffed at Richard Thompson Ford's theory...but reading further, there may be something to it. Every once in a while, someone straight will ask me, "Which of you is the man?" (We're both women.) They mean which one of us "wears the pants", does the traditionally male activities (primarily they're asking about non-bedroom activities, except for that one weird conversation with my ex...but that's another matter). Some seem genuinely puzzled. When I explain we share responsibilities based on our skills and talents and note that they don't always call into traditionally gender-segmented roles, some get it, others don't. (She's more mechanically inclined and has much better math skills, I'm better at cooking and I knit. But I'm better with the critters, playing sports and at carrying heavy items.)

All of this is neither here nor there. The bottom line is that people oppose issues such as gay marriage out of fear. (OK, granted a bunch are just mean-spirited jerks and others like Turd Blossom Rove are just political opportunitists.) Irrational fear to be sure. Which is why they usually just sputter when confronted with facts, figures and real gay/lesbian couples. Sometimes, such exposure can help them overcome these fears. Other times, the fears are just so deep-seated that, forget it.

The LGBT community has to continue to reach out to those who just may overcome their irrational fears. We have to continue to "live out loud"--there's Activism with a capital A and the daily-living activism of just being who we are day in and day out. Yes, we need the courts and legislatures on our side, but getting the people there is perhaps more important in the long run. Change begins at the grass roots. At the neighborhood level. In the workplace. In schools. Too often the LGBT community and our straight allies overlook the power of grassroots change.