What is the fuss about, really? The whole point of positive reinforcement is to reinforce behavior you want, and ignore behavior you don't want. If it's effective in training a companion animal--and it is--why would it NOT help strengthen your relationship with your S.O.? Especially since it effectively trains YOU as well.

Look at it this way. If you resolve to ignore the behavior you don't want, and reward that which you do, a LOT of nagging is going to fall by the wayside. You'll learn not to sweat the small stuff, so when you DO get upset about something, your significant other will pay more attention--because they'll know it's important.

Hey it's great and we are animals by the way. I think it's so funny when people get all upset over being trained like some sort of animal, but firmly believe in evolution. I liked the Shamu article and have been using techniques like this on my husband ever since I was learning to train my dog, which kind of trained myself, I've got quite a quick temper, which never got me anywhere with the dog. I don't always get the results I want, but I don't get upset anymore when what I want doesn't work, quite yet. I've noticed he does it to me too, like hugging me and saying thank you every time I do the dishes(because I loathe that chore)and we are conscious to always thank each other for doing any household chore, any errand or making meals. Now there is no more griping over who does what and when which is where many grievences in a relationship come from and a lot of accusations of you don't do this or that and scorekeeping. Plus who wants to come home to some pissed off spouse who's bitter you left your wet towel on the floor. Many people avoid going home, grow apart from their spouse because of anger over stupid shit. I've watched relationships deterioate over the small things, that led to a big thing like an affair. Of course the flirty co-worker or aquaintance with no grievences against you is more attractive if when you go home you've got to hear a laundry list of complaints dealing with the mendacity of life and all the crap you don't do right or at all.

There's a farce we did in High School called "If a Man Answers" which had as a central theme the idea of a mother giving her newly wed daughter a book on dog training as a way to keep her husband in line. When the daughter asked if that seemed a little demeaning her mother replied, "Darling how many women do you know whose husbands have left them? How many women do you know whose dogs have left them?"

It’s simple, it’s silly, and yes it’s retro, but it does work. Among other things, what you have at the center of this notion is communication. When your spouse (it does work for both men and women) does something good, you let them know and reward them accordingly. When they do something bad, you let them know and with hold the reward accordingly.

Men, and women, are not idiots, but people often dance around the idea of what they can and can not say to their significant other. They are your significant other, if you can't speak your mind to them, to whom can you?

The thing that gets me about the Shamu article is that it is nothing new. I've been hearing that kind of stuff since I was an undergrad in Psychology. Not only that, but the book has even been written before! Don't Shoot the Dog, by Karen Pryor -- she teaches how to use reinforcement principles in general, and uses examples both of animal training (her field) and of 'training' people.

The shamu article is really about creating healthy boundaries inside of marriage.

It's hard in any relationship to keep your distance in a way that is healthy, especially when it comes to the things about the other person that drive you nuts. When you demand and nag a person to do what you want after not getting results, it subconscously becomes about domination - "I need you to do what I want." In the end, you just want to be happy with your partner in an environment that allows that. By complimenting the things they do right, it changes the way you think also - you start appreciating the good thing as opposed to focusing on the bad.

As someone who has volunteered at a marine mammal facility and watched these training techniques up close, I can tell you that they are effective not only with husbands, but brothers, parents, and kids. I don't understand why people think it's so objectionable. After all, bitching, whining and nagging are not only annoying to listen to, they are draining on the person who does it. Positivity -- focusing on the things you or anyone does right as opposed to what they do wrong -- makes for a more pleasant day, and a better relationship. You feel better about your situation and your partner. Training is as much about the discipline of the trainer as it is instilling discipline in the subject. Why is this surprising or controversial or objectionable? Sure, it's an old idea, maybe one which doesn't gibe too well with a generation raised to believe that bitchiness, selfishness and a sense of entitlement are all part of a healthy self-esteem. But one thing is sure -- you can't argue with success.

We all train one another all the time. Ever notice that with some couples, only one seems to answer the phone at home? The one who stays seated each time it rings has 'trained' the other person to get it. Ever notice that some men put dishes away in places unrelated to their 'assigned' spots, 'til the wives, exasperated, say 'oh forget it, I'll do it myself'. More training.

I have a tendency to yell when I am mad. When I do, my partner stops responding to me. It has made me much, much more conscious of yelling, and I make a concerted effort not to - if I don't, we'll never get to discuss the issue. He is training me. That's fine with me. And I've stopped yelling at him for being late all the time - I just leave and go do something else if he's more than 30 minutes late. Guess what - he's not late anymore.

The writer of the Times article never implied her husband is unintelligent, thus causing her to resort to 'tricks' to get him to 'behave'. She is manipulating her own behavior as much as his, in an effort to get a result both of them are happy with. This is a good thing.

We don't think of behavioral conditioning techniques as unfair and manipulative and demeaning when they are practiced on intelligent animals like dogs and dolphins and monkeys. They are simply learning techniques that work, something no individual or relationship can have too much of.