Not nearly enough on life thereafter.

I remember the tomes, wheelbarrows, whole libraries full of books, magazines, websites, and whatnot on pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Couples with eight-page birth plans. Water births, home births, drug-less births, and so on. Come on! Every detail managed, down to the Chopin on the CD player.

We dutifully went to the childbirth classes. The details of my particular delivery are irrelevant to this note (yes my husband was there, and yes we all survived). At the end of a few days we came home with a new live human being of our own. And there we were. Holy cow. Shouldn't we have a license or something? What the heck are we supposed to DO with the little nipper? He's ours? How did THIS happen? And we're UNSUPERVISED??

I'd like to see a whole lot less handwringing over labor and delivery, and a whole lot more realism about the overwhelming changes to one's house, life, sleep, finances, and outlook on the universe that arrive with the baby. THAT'S what we needed classes for, looking back now. That's what we were totally unprepared for--and what you can't learn from books.

If you think about it, it's really not reasonable to expect the father to do so much heavy lifting, so to speak, during labor; after all, it's very unlikely he has attended a birth before (and every labor is different, so even limited prior experience may not be helpful). Books & classes aren't going to teach too many people, male or female, how to immediately & effectively respond to various behaviors in a laboring woman, or even to read them accurately enough to communicate a partner's needs to the staff. A doula is a professional labor assistant who will typically talk with both parents-to-be in advance about their ideas about labor & birth, their own family medical & emotional backgrounds, and develop a comfortable relationship; she (or he, sometimes) will usually then come to the couple's home as soon as labor seems to have started to provide physical & emotional support for both, although obviously the woman's immediate needs come first. Having someone around, from beginning to end, who has been present for tens or hundreds of births and who has taken the time to assess what a given couple's basic needs are is wonderful. I have known a few men who became petulant at the thought of another person being involved in something so "private" as birth, but I have never known a single man who, after having a doula attend the birth of his child, wasn't grateful for the additional experience & support.

Having said that, the downside is that doulas aren't cheap-- fees are often a few or several hundred dollars-- but unfortunately our current system does not provide adequate support for women in labor or thir partners, beyond lots of catheters, IVs, monitors, and mechanical/surgical intervention. And to be perfectly blunt, I suspect that the father-as-labor-"coach" policy promotes this in that inexperienced and emotionally attached observers tend to be a bit desperate for someone to take control of what to them is an out-of-the-ordinary situation, and women seem to be much more concerned about how they behave in front of their partners (and hospital staff) than might have been common in less technical times*.

*yes, that's speculation, and no, I'm not apologizing for it; confidence and adaptability in childbirth is the exception more than the norm.

I'm a man. When it comes to something like childbirth, I couldn't care less about my feelings, or my memories. I want to leave the hospital with a healthy wife and a healthy child, and how that's accomplished isn't really my issue.

I have been through it twice. Caesarians both times, and the second was twins. I remember almost none of it. I was completely conscious, and very involved, but five years later, I remember almost none of it.

What I do remember is that during the first one, the OB went through a drastic personality change. About one minute before he started cutting, he went from being a very nice guy, which he was, to a complete asshole. By which I mean, he started barking orders, demanding things, and wasn't pleasant about it at all.

And you know what, ladies? I was glad. I was delighted. My wife was very drugged, and wasn't really paying attention to him. My take on it, man to man, was that this guy wanted our daughter OUT, in one piece, right then, and he wanted the OR team, which he was in charge of, to get, and stay, on their toes. He didn't want any mistakes, inattention, or other impediments to a fast, successful delivery, and that's exactly what he got. As did we. The minute our daughter was out and okay, he went back to his usual nice self. But during the part where the floor suddenly has a gallon of blood and amniotic fluid on it, and my wife has a five-inch incision, he made it clear that he was dead serious, that he would not tolerate mistakes, and that the outcome really, really mattered.

You guys get all touchy-feely and fluffy about this, which is stupid. Childbirth is a kind of surgery, and trying to make it into an emotionally uplifting experience is childish. It's dangerous, and it's tricky, and if the people who can make it happen act like Ted Bundy, fine. And whether you're there to see it or not is trivial.

someone somewhere, several someones if my experience is any guide, is likely to leave them lying around where I get to see them. Please, do it for the children, (and especially for the male adults). Does anyone really need pictures or a video to be able to clearly recall the exprience, or as clearly as they want to anyway.

I have never understood the ceremonial cutting of the umbilical cord. When did this practice start?

p.s. Unless you have watched a loved one in a lot of pain, you don't know how hard it is. Not as bad as BEING in a lot of pain, but it's rough. I don't know why people feel compelled to take pictures, though.