I always think of the teenage Joyce Maynard giving head to J.D. Salinger, over and over and over...

The very thought of blow jobs depresses me. But then a lot of things about sex these days depress me. It gives me a major case of anahedonia to think of all the crap people are up to in the sack these days.

... though in the rapid speed of the blogosphere, I'm probably about 18 hours too late. That's what I get for coming here via Nerve.

(you're all lucky i resisted the lame pun back there.)

Anyway, a few thoughts:

1) I agree with the people that say you gotta look at sex acts in context -- but I would say an even broader context than just that particular relationship, though that's important. In context of the society we live in, where men and women are not equal, where women are still treated as sex objects, there for the pleasure of men, and even their pleasure is so often celebrated, in songs and men's magazines and movies, as good not in its own right, but as a way to make the man feel good about his prowess. Women's sexuality has been suppressed, curtailed, channeled, and commodified -- what does that mean? What does that have to do with what we do in bed, what we "naturally" consider hot, or don't?

2) I also don't agree with the people that say nobody can make any commentary on any act that goes on in the bedroom. We neither can nor should want any bedroom police around, but do we really want to say that the bedroom is a sacred arena where we magically escape the relations in larger society, and somehow what we do there doesn't reflect or even reinforce that? Let's not kid ourselves. Does anybody really not notice, for example, that so many of the classic "role playing" fantasies are doctor/nurse; teacher/student; master/maid ... you get the drift. Roles where the dude enjoys power and domination over the woman. Should we not wonder what this means in a world where men do dominate over women? (And no, we're not on one of those boards where we pretend that's no longer the case.) Are pearl necklaces degrading? Do they reinforce treating women like sex objects?

I think there should be conversations about this, and they can happen without resorting to Puritanism or Republican/Christian Fascist outlawing of any sex act not in the Bible. And I think that those who say you cannot ever talk about whether what people do in the bedroom reflects male/female relations more generally .... well, how is it any different than "a man's home is his castle" -- meaning no feminist may criticize how he treats his wife behind closed doors?

3) All that said ... I don't think you should have that kind of conversation with an aim to deliver verdicts like some of the bloggers did that started all of this. And I think their methods are pretty damned mechanical : some women don't like deep throating --> blow jobs are all deep throating --> all blow jobs are degrading --> women who claim to like being degraded are deluding themselves. There's no point in making up lists of what has been Officially Declared to be degrading -- just as there's no point in pretending that degradation is not the whole damned point of some sex acts.

4) The anecdotal "but I like this" method isn't all that useful for figuring out stuff beyond ... well, yourself. This is the Internet, after all -- you can find someone who likes being tied up with shoelaces while being whipped with a 3-day-old bologna sandwich and watching reruns of "The Facts of Life", if you look hard enough.

5) And yet ... maybe to reward those who read this far, or to get down to it (hold me back, man), I'll share that I did not used to like blow jobs. It might have started with one night of making out in an alley with some dude I wasn't that into, where he just unceremoniously shoved my head down (and the alley wasn't that dark, and we were surrounded by frat houses and likely getting filmed by at least two of 'em.) After that, I couldn't get into BJs, didn't like 'em, and most of my lovers had to accept that. But I didn't accept them not going down on me. Why? because I'm a woman and most women don't come from intercourse alone, whereas most guys do. Put another way, by not getting BJs, he gave up one of his two or three (at minimum)ways to get off with me involved, but if I didn't get eaten, I gave up the only way for me to get off -- as with most women. I think that's a decent general principle and one of the reasons why you can't say a man who doesn't like to go down is the same as a woman who doesn't. Basically, a man who declares he won't go down on a woman is delaring his right to be sexually selfish. (Plus, he's missing out, especially if he knows what he's doing.)

And yet again.... thanks to one ex-boyfriend who I loved, who possessed a beautiful and talented penis, and who let me come to it (must ... resist ... terrible pun ...)on my own terms, I now LOVE, LOVE giving head. I won't even tell you how much, or I would if this were a different kind of site (but I won't.) All because he didn't pressure me about it, would have accepted it if I rarely gave head at all, and most importantly so enthusiastically loved it that I got all kinds of enjoyment from it - and I got damned good at it, too.

But what was the biggest reason of all? (I CAN NO LONGER RESIST ... PUN DEFINITELY INTENDED .... phew.)

It's that we were -- in the beginning, anyway -- in a loving relationship, and we treated each other as equals, and had love and respect for each other. I loved giving him pleasure, and I knew he'd do the same for me. I never felt used or diminished or that what we did would end up in some brag-fest in a locker room somewhere. That goes a long way .....

Anyway, I hope this conversation keeps on going, as it's pretty interesting ... and yes, the headline is classic.