The poor gays. They are discriminated against, made fun of, and generaly unrecognized except ewhen they are being vilified.

Now they are encountering peer pressure to get married.

How horrible! They never get a break!

You had time to worry about gay marriage during your wedding. That's impressive. During my marriage I had time only to worry if my bride was enjoying herself [she was], whether my WASPy family was enjoying the lavish Italian-Puerto Rican reception [not so much], and whether or not I would embarrass myself during the first dance [happily, no]. All this despite the fact that I had a gay friend at the wedding and my bride's auntie is a lesbian. Maybe I should have felt guilty for not obsessing about gay marriage [which I support], but I figure I was entitled to take one day off.

Actually, I don't recall thinking too much about it during my honeymoon either. Oh, the shame!

I really appreciated this article. My wife and I have been married in Massachusetts now for over a year, but it is the only state in the union where our gay marriage is legal. Obviously, marriage isn’t a magical elixir, but I am surprised at how complete I feel. Also, for the first time in my life, I feel like a citizen of MA. I feel downright patriotic about Boston. It feels great to really belong somewhere, and know that you are not a second class citizen. I have deep anxiety about traveling to other parts of the country, and basically, we vacation in New England and Canada. That way I know our family will be protected. I hope to someday to feel like I am a citizen of the United States, but I am sure, that will be a long time coming.

How were you hoping to come off in your comment? As though you had your priorities straight? It's one thing to "take a day off," and no one should be made to feel bad about that, but it's another thing to be snide about anyone else bringing an issue up. Ms Harris' wedding day anecdote cast no aspersions on you, whereas your response was pitched to paint her as some sort of freak that worries about bigger issues when she ought to be content looking pretty as a bride. Some people run through a lot of reflections and emotions on their wedding day, judging from your comment you're not most people. Congratulations.

For the rest of us, this kind of message is useful. So much energy is spent on the legal ramifications of same sex marriage, we inadvertently leave the social ramifications to the social conservatives. But it isn't just "end of marriage as we know it," it's about preserving marriage as we know it and extending it to those who are disenfranchised. It's about ending the inherent disrespect in refusing to acknowledge members of our family, which is exactly who the partners of our relations are.

I felt this way when I got married a year ago, too. It's an absurdity that gay people who want to partner up can't be legal and have all those intangible benefits Harihareswara and Harris mention. One of my students was coming out around the time that I got married, really bringing the issue to my attention. Now he's fallen in love for the first time, and what he tells me about how wonderful it is to finally have a guy who he has much in common with and be able to openly explore his friendly/love/lust feelings with, after an adolescence of crushes on straight friends, makes me realize how much of a relief it is for him (and others) to find someone who is right for them, regardless of sexual orientation. His joy at being accepted for who he is for the first time is very poignant. Those feelings are powerful for a straight person like me, who has all the benefits of cultural approval; how much more powerful they must be in the context of growing up GLBT or Q.

Thanks for posting this, Lynn, Broadsheet, and Salon.

She lists some of the perks she gets to enjoy that they, mainly, do not: "Almost all legal, social and religious institutions in our country and throughout the world recognize our commitment and consider us a family. Friends, strangers, acquaintances, bureaucrats and coworkers just accept my marital status, no questions asked. He and I can sleep in the same bed when we visit relatives. My wedding ring fends off would-be suitors. My parents are happy for me. My presence at the funeral of my husband's relative excites no comment."

I think she misses the point almost entirely. I'm a woman, engaged to another woman. We've both got parental acceptance/approval, our friends are happy for us, we sleep in the same bed when visiting relatives, and we plan to wear rings. (BTW, I've been married before--I'm widowed. Rings do nothing to fend off would-be suitors so I hope she's not counting on that perk.) All of those listed perks are either our choice (rings) or aren't guaranteed to het couples getting married (parental approval).

What we don't have is legal protection for us, or health insurance for us and the kids we plan on having. And the one thing the original author got right is the bit about people just accepting your marital status. No matter how nice people are--and even some of those trying to be nice are uncomfortable--people ask questions in a way that they never do of an opposite-sex couple.

Same-sex marriage does not need to be made legal so people can wear rings.

The writer makes exactly the points you make in the rest of her article. I just had to resist the temptation to cut and paste the whole durn thing.

From "Goodridge Vs. Department of Health" by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations....Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance." ...

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family.... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition...

---

Not only does it align you in solidarity with others deeply in love, it's a beautiful statement about the value of marriage itself.

Personally, I have been conflicted about joining together in the eyes of the state, when our friends cannot enjoy the same benefit. It almost feels like joining an exclusive country club and saying, well, I can't feel guilty all the time. In my eyes, if anything these movements to "preserve" marriage has tarnished it, making it "exclusive" rather than an inviting celebration and commitment.