Letters to the Editor
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Big Love not pro-polygamy
Have you actually seen Big Love? I've enjoyed the first two episodes, but I disagree that it's "on their side." A more accurate analysis would be to say that it's an illustration of why having more than one wife would drive any sane man crazy.
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What is the problem here?
Why is the argument of "If Heather can have two mommies, but not two mommies and a daddy?" summarily dismissed? It makes sense to me... the government should stay out of the business of regulating how consenting adults decide to relate to each other.
That being said, I've noticed two kinds of polygamists. The first group is made up of those conservative, patriachial polygamists you hear about hiding out in Utah that seem to define polygmay as soley "one man, many wives". The worst case being that man that was on 60 Minutes and had several wives, including one that was "married" at the age of ten or so. These types make me cringe that they are even have one spouse, let alone several spouses and children. However, legalising polygmay means that they won't use their family relaionship as a scam, such as having the "unwed mothers" in the family collect welfare benefits to be shared for the whole group.
Then there are my friends who define themselves as "poly-amourous". Free thinkers that collect themselves in groups of different sizes and compositions... MFF, FFM, FFFFM, FFMM, etc. I would like to see it possible for them to legalise their relationship and gain benefits that a "normal" couple would have.
As much as I dislike the first group, I can't condem them while condoning my friends choices...
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Why Not, Indeed
The worst case being that man that was on 60 Minutes and had several wives, including one that was "married" at the age of ten or so.
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Then there are my friends who define themselves as "poly-amourous". Free thinkers that collect themselves in groups of different sizes and compositions... MFF, FFM, FFFFM, FFMM, etc.
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As much as I dislike the first group, I can't condem them while condoning my friends choices...
Sure you can. Condemn them for pedophilia (nevermind de facto slavery). Ten years old? Ick!
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Won't You Think About The Children?
Yeah, polygamy proponents are attaching to gay marriage. And they should.
Look, I've seen black people claim "well, sure you shouldn't discriminate against me on the basis of my skin color, but gay people? that's different." It's a damn shame we're looking at falling into the same trap.
There's nothing special about gay marriages -- and there's nothing special about polyamorous marriages (whether polygamous or polyandrous) -- that should require governmental interference and prohibition. Do some polygamous communities require children to get married? They sure do. And we already have laws in the books to deal with this, so it's a red herring in this context.
Love is a good thing. People in stable relationships are a good thing. Children growing up in environments where they are cared for and loved is a good thing. So ... what's the issue?
I have to admit I find it really abhorrant that we seem to be miserly in our allocation of civil rights. "OK, _I_ want to get married, but those weird people over there? Fuck'em."
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Wrong about "Big Love"
It's annoying when "journalists" write something when they know nothing about it. Feel free to like or dislike "Big Love" as you please. None of my business. But I've caught the first two episodes with my wife on HBO because we like "The Sopranos," which precedes it. It's clear Ms Richards has not seen "Big Love" or she simply has no powers of comprehension. The series is NOT pro-polygamy. It's true that the series does not take a hard editorial stand against polygamy, but what would be the point of that? They're trying to put on a TV show, not produce an essay for a women's studies program. A show with some nuance and depth is what they're after. [Whether they've achieved it or not is another matter entirely.]
What has been displayed so far by "Big Love" does not make polygamy seem attractive for men or women. The women bicker constantly like angry sister -- but with one pretty important difference. The husband is sinking into a feeling of despair as he tries to cope with the sexual and financial demands of three wives -- as well as an extended family of weirdos, reprobates, and blackmailers. All this while trying to hide his polygamous lifestyle from his employees, his neighbors, and the general public.
Here's a tip: Watch the show before telling people what it is all about.
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Unstable
Polygamous relationships are inherently unstable or coercive.
If it's one older man and several young women who've been raised like veal: the women are not there through free and informed choice, and the man is there because he had the right family connections to be allowed to stay and marry several women. Remember that polygamous communities drive off many young men, so that there won't be competition for the young women.
If it's a polyamorous relationship, jealousies will eventually cause it to fall apart. It's hard enough for a two person relationship to stay together, I don't think larger groups can last very long with all the personal changes the members will go through, as well as jealousies and egos. In a marriage of two people, each person changes a lot, and it can be hard to adjust to.
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Not all untraditional arrangements are coercive, and not all coercive relationships are untraditional.
I'm not comfortable with arguing against bigamy/polygamy/etc on the grounds that women in such relationships tend to be coerced or abused. There are already legal recourses available to right such wrongs that don't involve throwing the baby out with the bathwater, as it were.
If I were to want to enter into some kind of group arrangement, I don't see why a pair of people (same sex or otherwise) deserve special legal recognition over me.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not arguing for the legalization of everybody's messy relationships. If anything, I'm coun1ting this as another notch on the "save your religious marriage by ending legal marriage" stick.
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Polygamy & Children
While there may be laws that make marrying children a crime, those laws do no good unless they are enforced. Utah authorities have been extremely lax in enforcing statutory rape, child abuse, and incest laws against those in the polygamy community. Although there have been some recent improvements, most notably the decision to prosecute Warren Jeffs, there are still thousands of young girls who have been forced into early marriage by their polygamist families.
To anyone who wants more information on polygamy, I recommend Jon Krakauer's "Under the Banner of Heaven" and the A&E documentary "Inside Polygamy." Jon Krakauer makes a compelling comparison between the way Utah authorities viewed the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart and how they treat girls trying to escape from their polygamist families. Authorities pursued an intense manhunt for Elizabeth Smart, yet frequently return escaping girls to their families.
Another troublesome aspect of polygamy is that many male heads of families refuse to support their wives and children, instead leaving them to apply for government assistance to survive. Although they believe the government is evil, they feel that taking money from the government is good and call the practice "bleeding the beast."
It is very troublesome to me that practioners of this barbaric lifestyle are being aligned with proponents of gay marriage. Gay marriage is an act of love between two consenting adults who want to validate their love in the same way that heterosexuals can. Polygamy is a way for men to use the archaic teachings of Joseph Smith to validate their lifestyle choices of child sexual abuse, incest and profligacy.
Another resource on the true impact of polygamy on women and children is the website created by the anti-polygamy group, Tapestry Against Polygamy.
I have watched the first two episodes of Big Love. While I wouldn't say that it is a ringing endorsement for polygamy, I am concerned that it has not yet gone far enough to show how bad polygamy can really be. In the first episode, we saw glimpses of the child brides at the compound. I hope that the show continues to explore that storyline and how polygamists gain control over their child brides.