To start, I was a young man who had his first sexual relationship with an older woman. I was 16, she was 21. It was almost 20 years ago. I had fun, she had fun, the breakup was a drag, but I certainly wasn't scarred by the experience, despite the illegality.

More interesting, I think, is why there seems to be such a perceived black and white cutoff point about a subject which can be strange even far beyond the legal age of consent.

What's so troubling about a 25 year old with a 15 year old that's NOT troubling about a 45 year old and a 22 year old?

Age of consent laws certainly needn't be changed. They weren't an issue for me, and generally speaking, with truly consensual sexual relationships that occur between young and older partners, they won't be.

I guess I'm just bored by any response asserting that everyone under an _arbitrarily_ set age limit is a developing child who can't make adult decisions about sex. In the USA, we can't make adult decisions about drinking until we're 21, but we can about how we're going to spend the next four years of our lives. We can't make adult decisions about older sex partners at the age of 16, but can at 17 or 18.

Realistically--what 22 year old would make an adult decision about a sexual relationship with a 45 year old? Is there not exactly the kind of power and maturity and development imbalance that's so problematic for the younger people?

I'd suggest, only half-joking, that maybe age of consent should be a continuously sliding scale until at least the age of 30, just to make sure everyone is sufficiently grounded by their experience with contemporaries before they start coupling with their elders.

This question is for the anonymous poster who said if he found out his 11 year old son had an affair with an adult woman, he would be "bemused" by this and "delighted" if his 15 year old son was doing the same.

Would you feel the same way if your 11 year old daughter was able to "talk her way into" having sex with an adult? Delighted that your 15 year old daughter was having an affair with an older man?

If boys don't think the way girls do, or the adult women speaking for them, there is something wrong with them and they need to be fixed. C'mon man, it's the 21st century!

Mike, the difference between a 15 year old and a 22 year old having consensual sex with an older person is that legally and developmentally, the 22 year old has reached the age where we can presume that she can be responsible for herself. Sure, we all live and learn, and not many of us would make the same choices at 42 that we would make at 22. And while a 22 year old may not make the smartest choices in the world, they are her choices to make. While it is certainly possible for a 15 year old to have the same level of maturity as a 22 year old, the point is that for legal and social purposes, the presumption is that she doesn't. And given how much changes on a developmental level in those years, it's a pretty safe bet.

Oh, and if that 42 year old does use a position of power to unfairly coerce sex from a 22 year old, that's every bit as dispicable as when the 30 year old teacher does it to a 15 year old. It's also usually legally actionable, either as sexual harassment or rape, depending on how severe the circumstances.

And as for those who are taking the whole "but boys don't take sex seriously so how can a fling with an older woman possibly hurt them and this is their greatest fantasy so why not indulge them" attitude: get a clue. As the old saying goes, the boy is father to the man he becomes. A boy who is taken advantage of by an older woman learns that power is an appropriate tool to use to obtain sexual gratification. A boy whose first experiences with sex are devoid of emotional connection becomes a man who glides through life expecting more of those shallow, one-sided relationships. A boy whose first sexual encounters resemble juvenile fantasies comes to expect that future encounters will be equally juvenile-ly fantastic.

Sure, those moments in the back seat of a car or on your mother's couch fumbling with a girl's bra strap are frought with anxiety and emotional turmoil, but they are important milestones that teach a young boy that sex can be complicated and frustrating, because it's not just about gratifying his extremely demanding penis. It's an important lesson in how the world really works. That's the problem with having your first experience with anything resemble a boy's fantasy scenario -- the rest of his life is simply not going to live up to that experience, creating a lifetime of disappointment where in fact there should be joy and discovery.

Because the truth of the matter is that most of us don't live in a fantasy world -- we have real relationships with real people. And if you've got your head on straight, you realize that the nitty gritty of those real relationships are ultimately more satisfying than any cartoonish fantasy you have in your head. Making fantasies real is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But if you are incapable of recognizing that a fantasy is a tantalizing and welcome exception, not the rule, then you're not ready for fantasy play. And a 16 year old boy who has no other sexual experience is most definately not ready for fantasy sex play.

are you talking about. It may be that you don't want the relationship to happen, for reasons which "others" have clearly explained but it's absurd to say that we have to prohibit and punish relationships which aren't real. How would people react if 99% of the girls who had relationships that they regretted later were told "you don't know your own feelings we think it was good for you".

8 years ago at the age of 16 I had a relationship with a teacher. Wow, after that my following girlfriends all seemed quite immature. She was a true master and I never learned so much so quickly. And the whole affaire being illegal made it that much more thrilling. Trying to avoid getting caught between classes was exhalerating. Making it legal or accepted would really have drained the fun out of it.

Frank