Letters to the Editor
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The rise of the yuppie urban family
This is an inevitable clash happening due to re-urban flight of professionals with families.
Gentrification usually goes like this: ghetto -> gay singles-> artist single straights -> yuppie single straights -> yuppie straight families
This is going to cause a mjor culture clash. Chelsea, West Village, East Village in NYC anyone? It's going on right now.
I remember walking into a restraunt on Bleeker st in new york down from where I live with 3 other gay men. When we got in for brunch, the hostess asked us if we wanted to be in the outer part of the restraunt or inner part. I shrugged: "I don't really care". Her reply: "Well, there are kids inside" I'm not sure if she was saving us from the kids or the kids from us, Either way, all 4 of us chimed in: "Outside!!" as Sunday brunch with queers usually involves loud conversations about the antics from the night before.
I chose to live in areas I do to stay away from families, where I can't offend them and they can't offend me. Now I walk around New York and mutter to myself, "I want my city back." For some reason the ghetto kids don't bother me, its the yuppie couple's kids that tick me off. I for one would be up for Adult Only cafe's.
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Kids in public...
This notice was apparently spotted at Crown Point, a historic overlook of the Columbia Gorge with a gift shop and snack bar:
"Unattended young children will be given an ice cream cone and a puppy."
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strategies that have worked for us
As a parent, I would die of humiliation if my screaming child was ruining people's nice meal out. And I can't possibly enjoy myself if my child is having a breakdown, either.
We have managed to have several successful dinners out, though, using the following strategies: 1) Go early. I have gone to a brewpub for dinner at 4:45! There are fewer other diners, the management's happy for the business, and you aren't pushing bedtime back (which is probably at the root of all the observed bad behavior in the article). 2) Go to places with patios. Any noise there is is a lot easier to tolerate outside. 3) Maintain a sane adult-child ratio. Go with the grandparents, who eat like birds and are happy to play with the kid, and will probably pick up the check to boot. 4) Order everything as one course. Getting out for 45 minutes is better than not getting out at all--be grateful for it.
Maybe a compromise would be for the restaurants to say that after a certain hour (like 7 pm) they are kid-free? Most little ones are (or should be) in bed by then.
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Kids and the world
I seem to remember that, as a child, I was left at home with a sitter until I was old enough to go to a restaurant with my parents. And once I was allowed to go to a restaurant, I understood that this was a privilege and I had to behave accordingly, or I wouldn't be invited back.
What the parents in my generation seem to have lost is any sense of a division between an adult world and a child's world. I didn't feel alienated from my parents because they went out at night sometimes and left me with a babysitter. In fact, those nights with a different person were fun. But today's parents (my friends) drag their small children to wildly inappropriate locations in a misguided attempt to include them in every aspect of their life -- cafes, restaurants, movies, parties -- places where other adults go and don't really want to see small children. It's not that we don't like children -- it's that we want to interact with them in appropriate circumstances, and then be able to interact with their parents in appropriate adult places. These parents may feel they are somehow enriching their child's life, but at the expense of establishing distinct and appropriate identities for both parent and child.
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I didn't...
Scream, that is.
And it wasn't that my mom had a ball gag in my mouth either. We just knew when it was okay to use our 'outside voices' and when it wasn't.
And on those (very rare) times when my sister or I got out of control, we were escorted out. No begging, no threats, no cajoling. Just-- game over.
But then, frankly, we're black. And then (the late sixties/early seventies) and now, we're held to a higher standard. In middle class black america, this is simply a non-issue. I see only a tiny fraction of the behvaiour we're discussing.
What's considered "spirited", "rambunctious", "inquisitive" in Caleb is "behavior disorder", "threatening", "mall security-calling" behavior when it comes from Jamal. So we make damn sure it doesn't happen.
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Should cafes be kid free?
As the parent of an intelligent, strong-willed four year old, I understand the difficulty that comes with keeping little ones in line. As a frequent cafe patron, I also know the value of a good cup of coffee in a scream-free zone.
Just this past weekend, my family (daughter, boyfriend) and I were out at brunch, and there was a two-year old that kept screaming bloody murder for at least half the duration of our meal. This kid also threw a glass of water at some unsuspecting patrons sitting next to him and the entire time, all his mother could muster was "Oh, Dylan! That was so not nice!" in this wishy-washy gosh-darn squeak of a voice. I dont' mean to imply that she should go militant on the kid, but I do think that either that kid should have been popped into his McClaren and walked around the block for a nap or just taken outside until he calmed down. My daughter did not enjoy her meal; she kept covering her ears, and exclaiming "That baby is too loud. I can't eat my food!". It's pretty bad when a four year old calls you out on your kid's obnoxious behavior.
I dont' think that the solution is to keep children from entering these places, but for parents to be more vigilant and less indulgent when it comes to their children--particularly in a public place. As I mentioned, my daughter is very strong willed, and at four years old, she's not always open to reason. On the rare occasion that Sara decides that it's time for a good scream, I take my bundle of joy outside and she usually calms down when she realizes that screaming doesn't really get you what you want, or when we reach some sort of a compromise. Sometimes I get comments from people like "well, she's little" and I want to spit back "well, are you going to deal with her when she's sixteen and she doesn't know how to act in public?". I think a lot of parents forget that their little ones are just that--little ones and they need as much guidance as we can give them.