Letters to the Editor
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Kid-free cafes
It seems like this is a combination of some kid-intolerance on the part of cafe customers and some naivete on the part of parents. I have a daughter around the same age (nearly 2) as some children of the parents quoted in the NY Times story -- it would never occur to me hang out with her in a cafe. Wouldn't be fun for her, wouldn't be fun for me. As staunchly pro-kid as I am, putting up a sign asking kids to use their "inside voices" doesn't seem unreasonable or hugely unfriendly to me.
All the same, I understand why parents are boycotting. The first woman mentioned in the story, who took her child outside when he started throwing a fit -- what did she do wrong? Removing the child was exactly appropriate. There are simply people who never want to encounter children in public, ever. Well, no sympathy from me for those folks. (Like adults can never be annoying.) People who are so anti-kid must loathe some fundamental part of themselves, the part that was once a kid.
So, customers, when people at the table next to you pull out a high chair, chill. Yes, kids sometimes act up, but a lot of times they don't. They might even be kind of cute. And, parents, have some sense when taking your kids out in public. Don't drag them every place you want to go or used to go before you had kids. Acknowledge the fact that sitting still is not a high priority for the under-5 set. Acknowledge the fact that, yes, your life does change when you have kids. For the time being, lazy afternoons in cafes are probably out (or hire a babysitter when you get the hankering). Children exist in this world, and we all have a stake in having them turn out well. A little sanity and reason on both sides will go a long way.
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I love my son but even I don't like dining with him sometimes
That's why there's take out. I wouldn't be offended at all if I came across a cafe that refused kids. Before I had my son, I didn't like screaming kids at the table next to me either. Eating out is a treat for some people, not an everyday thing and they deserve for it to be a pleasurable experience. If they wanted to experience a dinner with screaming kids, they are plenty of places that cater to that. I realize many parents, including myself, long for good food and loathe going to these specific kid friendly places with crappy food but get a baby sitter and enjoy a nice meal in peace, you deserve it as well. The time will come when you can take your kids to these places but only when they're older and can control themselves better. In the meantime, teach them how to behave in a restaurant at home, make a game out of it, so you don't have to risk a nice meal for being the training ground and bothering others in the process.
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my mother could have written this
I write as someone who used to be a child, and who used to dine out with my parents. In restaurants, I behaved exactly the way I behaved at home at table. My parents taught their children manners the old-fashioned way, through example and admonition. We never went to "kid-friendly" restaurants (haven't been to one still!), because dining was a civilized event in the day, where the family gathered, and we politely conversed with each other as we ate. No one - not adults, not children - screamed, threw food, or left the table until finished. We used our utensils, chewed with our mouths closed, and kept our elbows off the table. I doubt this was easy or simple for my parents to achieve.
Adults dining in an adult venue are entitled to adult behaviour. Kid-friendly venues have been created expressly to allow children to act out, although within limits even there. And there are even drunk tolerant bars where adults are allowed to act out, again within limits. No matter what self-absorbed, obsessed parents believe, there are standards of public behaviour differentially appropriate to different public spaces, and these deserve to be honored. This is universally true, although there are a bazzillion (sp?) cultural differences among standards.
As Americans, we prefer to believe that we personally may behave as we choose, and that only our neighbors should conform to social norms. As a nation of narcissists, we need to wake up to our social responsibilities. What happens in restaurants is merely a microcosm of our national & international entitlement and hypocrisy.
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Should cafes be kid-free?
When my own children were small, I always took them home if they misbehaved. One Christmas, my three-year-old was bored at church and asked if we could leave. I said that we couldn't. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Then I'll be bad so you'll take me home like you always do." The letter from Kate was the best on this subject. Don't expect your children to behave in situations they are developmentally unprepared for. Bring snacks, books,and quiet toys. I never had money for a babysitter (or cafes either for that matter)so my kids went with me and I simply didn't go someplace.
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May as well weigh in also
Since this thread has passed 30 pages I'll jump on in, what the heck.
I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old. We take them places that are age-appropriate, within the rhythms of their days, we keep them out of the way, we tip big if they make a bigger mess than we can clean up, and most importantly we pay attention to them by taking toys, books, walks, whatever. Limits and attention are the key; that's why well-behaved Euro kids or indeed any kids are tolerable in public spaces.
I don't want a medal; this is following through on the basics of parenting. All I ask in return is that you display courtesy in kind. Don't assume that they will be little swine, don't think that you get a blanket veto on where we eat -- the 3 year old loves cucumber rolls and if you're in a sushi joint at 5.45 on a Saturday you can live with that.
But most importantly, give me a [expletive-deleted] break on the plane. We put our kids in their own seats and I will, if necessary, read "mouse soup" from DC to Oakland to keep the peace. I don't want to be in a plane with loud jackasses talking about utter nonsense then reclining their chair into my lap, but that's life sometimes -- at least until I can afford NetJets. A lot of so-called adults could stand to display the behaviour that they (reasonably) expect from children.