My brother-in-law was previously employed at a casino. He had asked to be promoted to an open supervisory position and was clearly the most experienced employee for the job. However, the casino apparently wanted to bring in someone else from the outside.

Casino officials did a random urine drug test on him, which was OK because he had been informed of this policy when hired, and also because he had not done any drugs in years. However, they claimed that he tested positive for marijuana and fired him. He went to an independent lab and had a hair drug test done (a far more accurate test), which came back negative for any drugs. When he showed his former employers the results of his test, they insisted that they only accept the results of their own tests.

He did consult an attorney who specializes in employment, who told him he had no recourse because of the casino's sovereign nation status.

All casino employees, beware ...!

As I read LW's letter I found myself nodding in agreement. I know all too well the "living dead" environment of the corporate world.

So here's a practical suggestion of how to "find yourself": get an admin job at a local college or university. First of all, the staff in an academic environment, while not perfect, is a whole lot more nurturing and less back-stabbing than the corporate world. Secondly, not only will you still have benefits, they will include free tuition (in most cases). So you can take classes in anything that interests you until you find your calling and then get your degree. And who knows--if you really like it, you can just stay there through your daughter's college years and then she will get free tuition, so you can remain guilt-free about providing for that expense.

I know several others have suggested to LW that she explore getting tuition reimbursement from her currrent employer, but in my experience they will only pay for classes related to their industry, which she has decided she does not want to continue in. By working at a college, she will have far more freedom to choose from multiple subjects.

There are two downsides to this recommendation. First of all, colleges tend to pay much lower salaries than corporations. However, LW said that money was not her top concern. The other disadvantage is that you probably won't qualify for free tuition unless you work full-time, which is very difficult to do while taking classes and running a household and caring for a six-year-old. Thus full cooperation and support from husband is crucial.

I wish you the best of luck -- don't wait too long -- life is short!

This is just another outrageous example of our patriarchal society telling women what they should or should not do with their own bodies.

When I was born in the 1950's, breastfeeding was very much out of favor in America. My mother breastfed me at that time and encountered ridiculous opposition. The nurses in the hospital kept trying to give her medication on the sly that would dry up her milk supply; when she asked what it was, they became indignant that she would question her doctor's orders. After being released from the hospital she was told by many people (including her own in-laws) that she was actually harming me by breastfeeding -- it was not "hygienic."

Fast-forward 30 years: when my friend had her baby in the late 1980's and chose not to breastfeed, she was subjected to similar treatment by the medical establishment, family and friends.

OK, so at least the message has improved, but the delivery seems to be the same: women obviously can't be trusted to make decisions. Isn't it ironic that our society can make a 180-degree turn in opinion in 30 years, but women are expected to completely buy into whatever the current thinking is?

I have no training in psychotherapy – I’m just a layperson who’s been through a fair amount of therapy myself. However, I have a theory that I’ve seen played out empirically over and over in family and friends. My theory is that when people experience an emotional trauma of some sort and repress it, they end up stuck at that emotional age.

I’ve seen this with my parents, who were forced into a shotgun wedding at ages 17 and 18 and had two babies while still in their teens. My father became an abusive alcoholic, with my mother as his enabler. For many years I couldn't even spend time with them because they were so emotionally stunted, but now (50 years later) they’ve gotten help and are actually able to talk about it and ask for forgiveness.

I’ve also seen it with my sister-in-law, who at 15 had to endure not only her father’s open affair with a neighbor in their small town and the subsequent divorce, but also had to keep her mother from committing suicide through it all. She’s emotionally childlike and dependent, shifting from sweetness to vicious hostility with breathtaking speed--just like a child of 15.

So I concur with Cary’s advice: the only way to grow up and become a true adult is to process the trauma, i.e., feel the pain. At times the pain is excruciating and you think you won’t survive, but it truly is worth it to get to the other side. After all, who wants to be stuck at age 16 forever?

In our children's baby books, we carefully record all the "firsts": first tooth, first word, first unassisted step. And yet parenting's most poignant events, as Gary so beautifully describes, are actually the "lasts": the last time holding hands, the last tickle, the last public kiss. Because we usually do not know at the time that they will be the last, we must cherish each special moment with our children. Thank you for the reminder, Gary.