Letters to the Editor
micro ms.
Published Letters: 143 Editor's Choice: 6
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Be Part of the Solution
[Read the article: My brother left his girlfriend with a 5-month-old baby]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Your brother may be an "asshole" for leaving now, but would he be more of one if he pulled the rug out from under the kid later, when he is actually aware of it? It's hard to say.
The bottom line is that he has left, and now you can help him. Encourage him to be a great Dad. Encourage him to support the mother of his child, be responsible, help her out, keep the lines of communication open, be patient when she is exhausted and frustrated and take it out on him. Remind him to offer to take care of his son often, to help with the shopping, to pitch in when the kid is sick, or needs to be disciplined, or needs new shoes. Whatever it takes! Hell, do the same yourself. Be the best uncle you can be. Your brother and his ex have given you a gift! When you visit, offer to baby sit, or fold the laundry, or give her a foot massage. Remember how much you like her, and make sure she knows that you see her and her son as family, and that you have their backs. Remember to send them all birthday cards. Call at Christmas. Write often. Be supportive. Be the family you always wished you had.
Good luck.
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Parenting should prepare, not enable
[Read the article: My son is almost 30 and won't leave home]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I have to agree with so many of the posters who think it is time for the LW to move her son out. He isn’t contributing, he isn’t taking responsibility for himself and he isn’t showing any respect for his mother’s hard work or her financial well-being.
In terms of wondering why this seems to happen so much, I think we need to look at how many parents treat their children in a manner that prevents them maturing and taking responsibility for themselves. Once a child is an adult, it is in their best interests to treat them with the respect you would give an adult and demand the level of responsibility you would expect form an adult.
My mom and dad expected my sib and I to begin doing odd jobs for $ by the time we were 12. By 15, we were expected to make our own petty cash all together. We paid for gas when we used the car, bought our own pizza…. And we were expected to put half of our cash away for college slush money. They made it clear that once we hit 18, we were leaving home. Either a job of college, but we were out. Did they help with college? Hell, yes. Everything education related, and room & board within reason. Would they give us a little time to get on our feet for 1st and last when renting for the first time? Yeah. If one of us went through a really rough time, would they take us in, help us? Yes, but always with the understanding that we chipped in as much as we were able and paid rent. The bottom line is that my parents’ expectations were clear. It honestly wouldn’t even occur to either of us to try to leach off of them because self-sufficiency is ingrained in us, and we love them for it.
Is that the best way or the only way? I don’t think so, but it is a hell of a lot better than running around after your kids, doing everything for them (mistaking that for “love”) and sending them off to school with your gold card and no ownership of their own actions.
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Great Parents aren't so great
[Read the article: My sister is a famous designer -- and I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My husband's parents were very successful in their field of medicine. They were among the best, well known and revered. Hell, they named stuff after them and it is not uncommon to meet Doctors who know their names or patients who still send Christmas gifts.
Pretty cool, huh? Yet, it totally messed up their kids. Why? Because they thought that in order to do something, they had to be the best, the greatest... and it didn't happen for them. My spouse has more degrees than the local University, and it was getting him no-where. His brother endlessly bemoans the world not recognizing his skills for what he feels they are or because he isn't as great as he "should" be. It took me years to convince my husband that most of us are just doing the best we can. Work’s true purpose is to feed us and clothe us. It’s amazing how much happier he is now that he has accepted his best as good enough, independent of the validation of others.
The next time you feel the poison of jealousy and self-criticism creeping in, look at your kids. Do you think they don't pick up on your attitude? Do you want them to spend their lives crippled by self-doubt and unreasonable expectations? Do you want them to think, even if it is only in the smallest, darkest corners of their minds, that you are judging them the way you judge yourself? Think about it, get over it, and get your ass back in therapy.
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About the Parents
[Read the article: We're sick of Southern California! Should we move to the Midwest? ]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary's advice about your parents is sound, but he should have told you to think about your extended family when you have kids. I have a number of friends who moved and found homes they loved 10-15 years ago, but they never realized how difficult it can be to function without any extended relatives. People often find that the miss the support of a mother or father once they have kids of their own. They're torn by the fact that their kids are virtual strangers to aunts, uncles and grandparents, and they envy those of us who have parents within driving distance who can pitch in on occasion.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't move, but as you look into housing costs, jobs, social networks and the weather, think about how difficult it will be for aging (or financially strapped) friends and loved ones to visit you and you them.