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Saturday, Nov 7, 2009
psycprof
Published Letters: 280 Editor's Choice: 42
I am very annoyed when eloquence about what you just know is right is never backed up with any real information. I teach at a fairly expensive private college, and we all work every day with the offspring of those whose parents felt that their lives should revolve around the children. (We call the parents "helicopter parents" because they hover STILL when the kids are at college). The students are good kids, but they often are shocked that I don't care what their opinions are about the hypothetical relationship between autism and vaccinations; I want them to interpret factual information about studies on the topic. Once we expected that students would work at finding out what we expect of them in terms of writing, reading or academic integrity; now there is an expectation by many students that we are supposed to spoon-feed them all information that is important; else it's unreasonable for us to think they'll seek it out.
There is a level of mental illnesses and psychotropic medications at colleges -not just mine- that would be unbelievable except to someone in the medical field or in a college setting, which doesn't seem in keeping with the idea that staying home with your kids makes everything rosy.
I am not personally attacking students. I love my students and they're fairly fond of me. I want to be clear that letting a child think that the parents are totally focused on him/her and that they control the family universe is setting them up for a difficult time when they leave the family. If a person (male or female) likes the idea of staying at home or for undisputable reasons must do so (for a severely disabled child, perhaps), that's fine and dandy. I work because we need the money but also because psychologically I am not cut out for staying at home and I damn well know it, and because the sacrifices we make for our kids are just not going to include my organizing every aspect of my life around them.
Of course, my husband and I have declared our home a martyr-free zone.
-psycprof
Two thoughts/suggestions:
Tell the guy: "That's how it is. You'll have to figure out a way to deal with it, or move on, but there's nothing to discuss". If he resists this ultimatum, you'll know that he probably is the control freak that the other writers have described. If he wants you to be tested, fine, but other than that it's none of his business.
When a man (or woman) asks that question, smile sweetly, and say "Since (day you started dating), only one".
Having been way too close to this sort of situation, it is my bet that the boyfriend forced this ultimatum as a way of cutting his girlfriend off from a main source of support. He probably told the girlfriend that "I'm not going to marry you with that bitch friend of yours as a maid of honor unless you can get her to change her tune". Abusive men (and he sounds emotionally and possibly in the future physically abusive) thrive on the power they get from cutting the woman off from the rest of the world, so as to impose control more effectively. With this ultimatum, he wins either way: either the friend has to back off resisting the marriage or she's out of the picture as a friend and not a threat to him.
Amazingly, a few hours prior to reading this piece, a student was interviewing me for a class about bullying. We got into a discussion of verbal bullying and jockeying for status among girls in middle school...then we agreed that it still went on in high school...and college...and then she said "Does it still go on in the workplace?" Looks like the answer is yes, even in high-profile workplaces (maybe especially in high-profile workplaces). Pretty depressing!
Assuming fashionista is right (and why wouldn't she be, it makes sense to me)and "chicken cutlets" are actually cleavage-enhancing bra pads, it's pretty disingenuous for Ms. Balbirer to use that as an example of "shit" she was uncomfortable with. Is it honestly that big a deal to pump up the cleavage a little? Sure hope my school doesn't fire me for my attire at the Christmas party two years ago.
Setting aside all the plentiful other issues: when a person commits suicide, they do not improve the lives of those left behind. By killing yourself, you leave other people wondering for years "Was it something I did?", "Was it something I didn't do?"; they run endless scenarios through their minds trying to find the moment they could have stepped in and didn't; they are left with an awful anniversary and oh yes, they are furious with the person who left them this way. If the LW goes ahead with this plan, the man left behind is consigned to this fate, all for money that he will probably never quite be able to enjoy.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The Maine fight was supposed to be the dress rehearsal for repealing California's Prop. 8 -- but gay marriage lost
Once one obtains Seriousness credentials in the Washington media, they are irrevocable no matter one's conduct.
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