"In SINGLED OUT, the excellent Bella DiPaulo noted that the more people prove that the American dream doesn't have to mean married-with-kids-and-a-2.5-SUV, the more frenzied matromania becomes--and the harsher the criticism gets of singles, single mothers, and those who are happy not being hitched."

Choice can be a scary thing. If there are multiple ways to be a happy, fulfilled adult, one is forced to decide which is the right way for oneself. It's a lot simpler, but not easier, if there are fewer choices.

Maybe what's really going on is that all this increased wedding complexity functions as a distraction from that wake-up-in-a-cold-sweat question: Is this the right choice?

"It's like society knows marriage won't instantly bring happiness without maturity/judgement, but people desperately need to believe it does--else what script can they let their lives be run by? What can they believe in?"

Interesting observation! But it explains the strident defense/glorification of *marriage* (to the exclusion of all other adult lifestyles), not weddings, and specifically the unreasonable demands some brides (and grooms) place on others.

There are several common elements to the bride-gone-berserk horror stories:

1) There's a sense of entitlement - a feeling that family/friends/the universe *owes* the bride not just a nice wedding, but anything and everything. It's as if the bride and groom have a blank check on others' generosity.

But if you think about it, that's exactly backwards. The main purpose of a wedding is to officially announce/sanction the legal/social union of two people and their families-of-origin. The main purpose of a reception is a party to celebrate that union. Shouldn't such a party be designed and intended to be about those being married sharing their happiness with others? Making unreasonable demands of others isn't my idea of sharing happiness.

The whole "I'm owed!" mindset may be partly driven by the fact that some brides may have spent lots of time/effort/money on other people's weddings, and now "It's *my* turn!". This too was described in the recent "Sex And The City" film.

2) There's a sense of duty/competition - the wedding has to have this, has to have that, etc. As if one's reputation will be made or ruined by the exact color of the centerpiece flowers. Or as if there's a "wedding critic" who will lambaste you forevermore if something isn't up to standard.

3) There's a disconnection from reality - the reality of what makes a marriage work, the reality of what people enjoy at a wedding, the reality of what is a reasonable request of one's friends and family.

Someone mentioned earlier that there's nothing you can do at a wedding to guarantee the success of a marriage, or words to that effect. That's the plain truth - I've seen too many examples of success and failure.

Maybe there's a belief that by expanding the ceremony and ritual, the commitment will be taken more seriously. But it doesn't work that way.