writes:

"I'm afraid you are completely missing the point. It's not about him not being ready and she's pushing him into commitment- because HE is already pushing HER into commitment but refuses to to treat her like a partner."

I don't see that as a fact.

LW writes:

"He still will not give me a key, and HE INSISTS that I continue to LIVE OUT OF A BAG."

OK, what exactly does this mean?

LW has her own place and her own stuff, yet says: "I do not want to be there when he is not there, but I spend a lot of time there between work and school."

So is he always there when she's there, or not?

LW: "He tells me to bring my things so that I can sleep over and then get ready for work at his place. I go over there all the time and stay there. I had a closet for clothes and a bathroom closet. But the more I made myself comfortable, the more often I would need to get into his place to get things: makeup, a suit, a book, a pair of sneakers. It became very inconvenient, not having a key."

Sounds to me like she was moving in, a little at a time. So much of her stuff was at BF's place that she couldn't function without access.

LW: "It got ridiculous. So I took all of my things back, and said that I need to "live out of" my own place. But he did not like that, either."

"He wants me to stay at his place, but pack a DIFFERENT BAG EACH TIME so that I never need to go inside without HIM OPENING THE DOOR. (my bolds.)"

"That's just batshit crazy."

No, it's just dumb. BF needs to learn about natural consequences: if he wants LW to be around a lot and have her stuff at his place, she needs access in the form of a key. And she will give him a key to her place too.

If BF doesn't want to give LW a key, she won't be around so much because it's not practical for her.

LW did the right thing getting her stuff out of there.

"I'm sorry, Jug, but this is bullshit."

We don't know how long LW and BF have been together, how old they are, how serious they are, how much relationship experience they have, who is pushing whom to do what how soon, etc.

In any relationship, both parties have to know how to set limits and say no clearly. And to learn they cannot have their cake and eat it too. It seems to me that both BF and LW

need a big bite of a reality hoagie.

"You don't tell someone that they need to live out of a bag just to be with you."

Agreed - but is BF really saying that? Is he saying he'll break up if LW doesn't do it his way? Or is he just saying

what he'd like her to do, and she needs to just say no because

it's too hard on her?

"If he is inviting her over, and telling her to bring her stuff, AND telling her that it's not acceptable for her to live at her OWN place, then she needs a damn key so she can USE her own stuff."

Is that what he's really saying? If so, then the crazy part is saying it's not acceptable for her to live at her own place, not that she can't have a key to his place. He cannot demand what he won't accept; doing so is the definition of a double standard.

"If he's "not ready" for the implied commitment of a key, then he needs to let her operate out of her own apartment sans ultimatums about seeing her less if she does."

It's not a question of what he "lets her" do. He's not her boss, she's not his. As long as they have separate places, they have the right to be masters of their own domiciles.

What Cary wrote, and what I agree with, is to not protect BF from the natural consequences of his choices. No key means

she's around less, because she doesn't have the time, and is

living out of her own place, not a bag.

That's all.

If he doesn't like it, tough cookies, that's the price of not

giving her a key nor spending time at her place.

Don't dump him just because he won't give up a key, but don't enable unreasonable double-standard behavior, either.

---

What I find curious is the readiness some folks have to make hard and fast judgements on so little factual information.

Ironically, one of the best sources of female heroines and villains are the past ~20 years of Disney animated films:

Ariel in "Little Mermaid" defies her father and goes to the surface. She is tricked but ultimately defeats the evil Ursula.

Belle in "Beauty and the Beast" sacrifices herself to save her father, then saves Beast and destroys the evil Gaston.

Mulan risks her life to replace her father in the army and ultimately defeats barbarian invaders.

Lilo in "Lilo and Stitch", plus her sister.

Fiona (and Dragon) in "Shrek"

See a pattern?