I especially like the part of NOT managing the butter - although it is tough to resist all of those years of social condition.

It definitely isn't the kids' fault, but without knowing more about the courtship situation, I wouldn't necessarily blame the LW, either. Sometimes kids are really nice during the courtship phase, or shared custody turned into permanent custody. This woman is having to invest time, energy and caretaking into kids who aren't hers - and may or may not be receiving any support or appreciation from her husband for what she does do.

What I would suggest to her is:

Get counseling and a safe place to discuss/uncover your resentment.

Consider joining a support group for step-parents, or maybe an online forum.

When you go the extra mile for your husband's kids, reward yourself, even with something small.

Try to bond with the kids over something that interests you - or, at least, irritates you the least, whether it's soccer games, household chores, etc.

If there is something in particular about your interactions with them that really drives you insane, ask your husband to take care of it (i.e. wiping the handprints off the wall) - or, better yet, ask the kids to help you get the house ready for dinner.

Remember that they're your daughters' siblings - as she gets older, she's going to want to be just like them. Maybe they'd enjoy activities with her, or showing her how to do things when she gets older.

Good luck!

She bought a condo as an investment and lives there three or four days a week and with her husband three or four days a week. She loves it.

I agree that eventually you might want to think about a duplex or side-by-side townhouses. In the meantime, maybe you can set apart a room or area in the house for you - where you're not to be disturbed unless the house is burning down. Maybe just knowing that retreat is there will help you take the pressure off.

In the meantime, I'd also suggest that you give yourself time (and space)to get used to being married. You've had a long time to practice being single - it stands to reason that being married would feel strange. Give yourself a break and go with what works for you.

This is directed to the person who thinks that because women don't say, "You should be a better wife," or "You should be more understanding," it means they hate men.

Far from it. They are expressing their feelings to, and getting validation from one another. That helps them process their feelings more quickly and then, usually, they'll be ready to think of a solution on their own. This so-called "bashing" is actually productive. If it's interrupted, though, by a "should" or someone telling the other woman what to do, it usually results in anger or the woman shutting down.

To Toshiro - I'm sorry that things are rough for you, but, as another poster says, it doesn't have to be a contest. It's wrong for people to rape, murder, objective, hurt or kill anyone, whether male or female, gay or straight, Asian, African or anyone else. Your trauma is real and important - and so is everyone else's. Wouldn't it be great if we could actually work TOGETHER to end these circumstances, instead of attacking each other?

To the original LW: If you really want to improve the "relations" between the sexes, stop paying attention to popular culture and start educating yourself. Either find more well-adjusted women to hang out with, or start listening as to why they're so angry, and maybe find ways to help fix that.

This is really sad, because it's obvious that the LW really loves this guy. In the abstract, there's nothing wrong with loving someone and wanting to make it better if you hurt them - or on working on things to resolve the solution. With a normal person, this would be a great strategy, and the guy would be lucky to have you.

The sad thing is, this isn't a normal guy.

Maybe he loves you. Maybe he doesn't. But, the fact is, he's flogging you with something you can't change - and basically, enjoying that he's making you feel badly. If he really loved you, he wouldn't be enjoying this gratuitous power trip. He would want you to feel good about yourself, not bad. If he really loved you, he'd go off, wrestle with his demons on his own and deal with them - or, if he genuinely couldn't (for whatever weird reason), would break up with you, as gently and tactfully as possible. Something is wrong with this guy.

This ignores the whole question of his hypocrisy. He had HOW many partners? Since when does he get to set your standards of conduct? Why does he get to determine what is or is not acceptable for men and women? Whether he loves you or not - something is wrong with this person, and it's NOT your job to fix him. Your job is to live the best life you can with a person who loves you and treats you respectfully - and this guy isn't it.

I add my voice to the general consensus and say dump him.