Cary, your column is almost always amazingly insightful and always downright interesting, which is saying a lot. But, this time, I think you need to rethink your advice. As some other letters above have said, engaging in romantic fantasy and intimate friendship with someone who is not your spouse is a recipe for marital disaster.

It is not uncommon to have dreams of "what if" in your life, but those dreams are often the first step along the path to changing your life. If you are dreaming about a new house, a move, a new career- then, great, more power to you. These kinds of fantasies are worth investigating. Follow your bliss and all that...

But marriage takes commitment and work. It takes struggle through the bad times as well as holding onto the good. And it is well nigh impossible to give any marriage the investment it deserves if you are siphoning off libidinous emotional energy into another relationship. Matrimony only works well if it is a monogamy. And that means in your heart and soul, as well is in your body.

I agree with those who say that first, if you are unhappy in your marriage, you should settle that relationship. Either do what you can to repair the marriage, or be a man and face the music and leave. I think it's the coward's way out to hold onto your wife as a security blanket while you seek adventure elsewhere.

You can not possibly give either relationship its due if you split your affections between your spouse and another. Almost always, you end up betraying three people in such situations- your spouse, your amorata, and your self. And, in this case, children were involved. Which means that you risk destroying their worlds, too.

Cary, I find this article concerning two married people who have children surprising, given your extreme rejection of the man's behvaior who is in love with a prostitute. Sure, prostitution is really seedy and it is very unlikely to be love on both sides with a call girl. But at least only one family would be destroyed in that case, and not two.

In the end, you need to start off fresh and with a clean slate if you plan on allowing someone new to enter your romantic life. If you have no intentions of ever acting on your fantasy, then it is best not to pursue it.

I recommend deep soul-searching about why you are having these fantasies in the first place. Maybe something is missing in your life. Maybe it isn't even your wife. Maybe you just want a little variety. Or maybe you are unsatisfied with other aspects of your existence, and excitement over someone outside your marriage helps you to fill the void.

Whatever the reason, you have a responsibility to all concerned to figure out what's happening with you and why. Only then can you take steps to repair your life. Losing yourself emotionally in what could very possibly turn into an adulterous affair is not the answer. And pursuing your fantasies overtly with the subject of your desires- that's just playing Russian roulette with your life.

Cary hit a home run with this one. On every single point, he sounds just the right nuance of wisdom. Of course the kids need the stability of their current situation. Of course becomine married or moving in together or even just changing addresses would change everything. And, of course, it's perfectly normal for a feminist in love to dream of her wedding. Hey, even Gloria Steinem got married!

I am the mother of a teenage girl and I also married my boyfriend about two years ago. He had actually been living with us for about a year first. Things were good between my boyfriend and my daughter when we were sharing a home together. She told me she thought he'd make a "great" stepdad. She rejoiced when we got engaged.

And then something... happened. I really don't understand all of it, even now. But my daughter and my then-fiance began to fight. She started to hate him. His advice and input, previously regarded by her as a breath of fresh air, suddenly became controlling and unbearable in her eyes. Things went from bad to worse between all three of us for nearly a year.

Now things are smoothing out, but that is because my daughter chose to go to a boarding school this year. She loves her new school and has actually developed a fondness for her stepdad. She misses "home". Wow! But I still miss my daughter. I wouldn't have let her go away if she hadn't been so determined to leave home. I feel I have lost the last couple of good "family" years with my daughter in order to be with my husband. Not that I had any idea at the time that I would pay that sort of cost for my new marriage. If I had, I probably never would have married my husband.

But, all's well that ends well, I guess. We are all getting along much better now. My daugher is happy where she is. She actually *likes* coming home. And she has a new baby brother whom we all adore.